I have come to realize that life has to be complicated for me,for it seems to be a distraction at points,from my daily ailments.
There is this intense anger felt inside,which I must admit,has gotten the better of me and my relationship with my family members.
I realize that my decisions have paved the way towards my current destination.
PTSD and Depression,along with chronic pain,for me,brings about anger but it doesn't simply end there.
I'm not about to make this a pity blog but I have to get this out to move forward.
When I say i've "been there and done that," i'm not bragging but simply stating i've been through more than my fair share of unfortunate situations.
For instance,i'm in pain right now and working through it while typing this.It actually feels like i'm in a boxing match with myself.The healthy part wants the best and the unhealthy,the worse.
Unfortunately for me,there's no on or off switch for what ails me,so i'm going to try something different.
This morning I used my phone's camera to take a few pictures.
One of them I even used to change my avatar.
Wow;there's actually more fight in this dog than i've given myself credit for.
It's Not Easy Being Me
Aromas of illegal narcotics wreak throughout the hallways and it seems that way too many individuals that I live around are getting high.
People down the street,around the corner;it's as if i'm surrounded by the same people that i'm not supposed to be associated with(people,places and things).
Yes,i've been there but I realize that my neighborhood pools very little positive reinforcement,if any.
Everyone's out for themselves and back-stabbing seems to be rampant around here.
I refuse to go back to the world of illegal narcotics.
I refuse to abuse the pain meds I am prescribed.
I'm not running anymore;nowhere to run to.
To me,cocaine and its derivative crack are so far away from my life,in my mind;where it really counts.
I don't look down on individuals but at the same time i'm not condoning their behavior.
I just don't want any drug abusers in my path and have to look out for myself.
There are actually people around,who are still waiting for me to relapse;wait on people,wait on.
Why is it that people rather concentrate on other's situations than examining their own?
I try my best to stay out of people's way but there are times where it's unavoidable.
I'm here watching the cable series Intervention while composing this,as it can't be any more real for me.
I am under no delusion that i'm better than anyone else around me;i'm just different.
So if anyone is jealous,the only reason I can(or rather want to)envision is that people are peeved at me because i'm facing life head-on.....
not that it's easy,dealing with life on its' terms but my physical and psychological issues are enough to deal with....
I can do bad on my own and don't need anyone to help bring me down further.
I look back and say to myself:12 years;wow but what is taking over or derailing me from being grateful is the accident of 2005.
It always seems to come into play.
I try to help when and where I can...putting in the effort will hopefully have it's own rewards;someday,as I do it with sincerity;not wanting anything in return.