I have come to realize that life has to be complicated for me,for it seems to be a distraction at points,from my daily ailments.
There is this intense anger felt inside,which I must admit,has gotten the better of me and my relationship with my family members.
I realize that my decisions have paved the way towards my current destination.
PTSD and Depression,along with chronic pain,for me,brings about anger but it doesn't simply end there.
I'm not about to make this a pity blog but I have to get this out to move forward.
When I say i've "been there and done that," i'm not bragging but simply stating i've been through more than my fair share of unfortunate situations.
For instance,i'm in pain right now and working through it while typing this.It actually feels like i'm in a boxing match with myself.The healthy part wants the best and the unhealthy,the worse.
Unfortunately for me,there's no on or off switch for what ails me,so i'm going to try something different.
This morning I used my phone's camera to take a few pictures.
One of them I even used to change my avatar.
Wow;there's actually more fight in this dog than i've given myself credit for.
Son Of A Blog!!!!!
It takes way too much energy for me to post and I end up drained.
I actually have come to the realization that this has never really been about the views(even though it was nice to know a few people were paying attention).
My inability to continue blogging on a daily basis doesn't bring me down as much as I thought it would.
I have come to the realization that I have to do things at my own pace.If this were a sport's facility(with a track) it would show me that I am in need of some intense training......
One thing positive that this has done for me,is take away the inherent need to vent angrily(even though it was in a respectful manner)on a regular basis.
I don't want to stay that person who is constantly bitter.
I want to try and forgive myself for the inability to create as constructively as I once did.
My disorders plague me like a swarm of locusts and some things i'm going to just have to accept and live with.
I want to try and do things without placing a negative spin on things.
My therapist finally admitted that she gets frustrated with me at times.
I explained to her about being easily distracted,as I hear everything that she says. More often than not this occurs.
She even tires of me mentioning the accident;so much so,that she often doesn't even include it in her notes.
The mere fact that I can go on for hours, non-stop,speaking of said accident and little else,is a bit over the top;even by my own standards.†
Viewing this from the other side of the fence is surreal. It forces me to take inventory of my own actions and overall demeanor.
Being this way has cost me volunteer jobs and plenty of missed opportunities over the past 7 years.
Seven years............time I will never get back or be able to make up for.
I must learn to be kinder to myself and accept my disorders (and all of their sub-components).
When I begin doing so,maybe,just maybe,i'll be able to begin moving forward steadily;without backing up from time to time.
If I can find it within myself to forgive others, it would be monumental.
I understand that people have a job to do and some may lie to protect their own interests but fair is fair and enough,most certainly, is enough.
How much should one have to endure,at the expense of other's tactics;especially when they've done nothing but tell the truth from the beginning?