I have come to realize that life has to be complicated for me,for it seems to be a distraction at points,from my daily ailments.
There is this intense anger felt inside,which I must admit,has gotten the better of me and my relationship with my family members.
I realize that my decisions have paved the way towards my current destination.
PTSD and Depression,along with chronic pain,for me,brings about anger but it doesn't simply end there.
I'm not about to make this a pity blog but I have to get this out to move forward.
When I say i've "been there and done that," i'm not bragging but simply stating i've been through more than my fair share of unfortunate situations.
For instance,i'm in pain right now and working through it while typing this.It actually feels like i'm in a boxing match with myself.The healthy part wants the best and the unhealthy,the worse.
Unfortunately for me,there's no on or off switch for what ails me,so i'm going to try something different.
This morning I used my phone's camera to take a few pictures.
One of them I even used to change my avatar.
Wow;there's actually more fight in this dog than i've given myself credit for.
If It Isn't Broke..........
For me,things have become broken but repairing takes so much time and energy.
Like in therapy;sure it's helping but the one step forwards and another step back...............
It's all part of the process.
I have amassed 7 years worth of issues.
I've been carrying them ariund like a metal ball and chain.
OK, the first part is recognizing that there's a problem.......next is doing something about it,which I've done time and again.
I'm not comparing myself to others but I work darn hard on my issues.Sessions three times a week,see my pdoc bi-weekly and the other doctors....man,it can all get to be a bit much at times.
No one really understands that i'm in pain 24-7,while I walk with cane,even when I talk to others briefly.
I stay with my pain,away from the public at large because there are times that I just don't want to be bothered.
Yes,I am in victim mode and i'm told not to take things personally but i'm a person and personally I can't help it most of the time.
Get this film from playing over and over in my head.Stop my hypervigilence and overall uneasiness.Allow me to play the radio in the car while driving.
There's so much more I can say but i'll save it for my next blog.