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I've been in this "funk" if you will,for over 7 years now.

I have come to realize that life has to be complicated for me,for it seems to be a distraction at points,from my daily ailments.

There is this intense anger felt inside,which I must admit,has gotten the better of me and my relationship with my family members.
I realize that my decisions have paved the way towards my current destination.
PTSD and Depression,along with chronic pain,for me,brings about anger but it doesn't simply end there.
I'm not about to make this a pity blog but I have to get this out to move forward.
When I say i've "been there and done that," i'm not bragging but simply stating i've been through more than my fair share of unfortunate situations.

For instance,i'm in pain right now and working through it while typing this.It actually feels like i'm in a boxing match with myself.The healthy part wants the best and the unhealthy,the worse.

Unfortunately for me,there's no on or off switch for what ails me,so i'm going to try something different.
This morning I used my phone's camera to take a few pictures.
One of them I even used to change my avatar.

Wow;there's actually more fight in this dog than i've given myself credit for.
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I Should've Seen It Coming

Posted 04-03-2013 at 01:33 AM by Phoenix

At this point, I should've known better but some innate,unresolved childhood insecurity still left in me,caused this.

Let me rewind this a little....

Early February of this year,I decided to enter into the world of stocks.
I explained this to my father and explained to him that I did the research and all but was met with "be careful" then and every time since.

One of my picks is outperforming the rest,so I had to share this with my father,right?
I was met with: "all the others should be doing the same."

As we ended our conversation,I was met with a myriad of emotions but I should've known better.
He's been that way with me since I can remember.

I use to make excuses for his comments: maybe he's trying to bring out the best in me and is trying to get me to strive for better.

Wait one;it just dawned on me while i'm never satisfied.

Here's the thing though....I can't blame him for the way I cling to his words as if he is the ultimate authority.

It bothers me;less than yesterday and the effect has dissipated dramatically.

The disappointing reality of it all is that i'll never get a genuine "atta boy" or anything close.
Truth is,when he does say it(in the rare instance) his timing is so off that it comes off as being less than genuine.

Yet and still he'll call up everyone and probably take credit for the way i choose my picks.

Life goes on though..........
Total Comments 2

Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Sometimes anger can be a great motivator. You cannot be responsible for what others say or who they are. You have the right to feel hurt or angry and give yourself permission to feel what you do. We are all human, not perfect, we were not handed instruction booklets on how to live this life. Toot your own horn when the picks you make, come out winners, you deserve the credit. Living with chronic pain sucks, but it does not define you. I can already see you are intelligent enough to understand the stock market. Hop on that, and make your dreams come true. If you have a bad day, tomorrow could be so much better. Good luck, chin up, make your choices count.
    permalink
    Posted 04-05-2013 at 06:30 PM by Chrisy63 Chrisy63 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Phoenix's Avatar
    Chrisy63 thank you and welcome.

    I am humbled by your words and need to try and take more stock in certain accomplishments.
    All these years,I blocked out the compliments of others,awaiting for my father's sincere compliments.

    No longer will I allow that to be the case;i'm learning.

    Sincere Respect
    Phoenix
    permalink
    Posted 04-06-2013 at 04:27 AM by Phoenix Phoenix is offline
 

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