day 13 percocet cold turkey withdrawal, alcoholism
I feel really bad about myself. Why do I have to be an active addict and alky. I know why. I was sick, I got on percs, and that lead to drinking. i was depressed about losing my health, my job, everything. It all changed. And I thought what does it matter? If life is going to be like this, I might as well drink. And I did. I was at a Mexican restaurant kind of far from home, kinda high on percs, and I ordered a virgin margarita. And then I went up to the bar and asked them to put tequila in it. I was with my 16 year old daughter, who grew up with a sober mom that went to AA. Then I thought well, I drank this, I might as well have my drink of choice, so I drank and gin and tonic. I was too messed up to drive. I had to sit in the car and sober up before I could drive.
I got home and my husband who was 10 years sober was mad. But when I explained, he agreed and we both have been takin' percs and drinking since. That was 2004. I imagine our livers are messed up from all the acetemenaphen. And i know that in my head, and I swear off the liquor every day, but we always end up drinking.
I did 10 step inventory yesterday regarding some actions on my part that I needed to deal with concerning another person. And at one point, I thought what would my sponsor say if she knew all of this. (She is my best friend, or was) What should I do? Go to a meeting. throw out the liquor. read my big book. I read my big book some and then just set it aside. I know it front to back. Self-knowledge avails us nothing. I gotta hit bottom and ask a higher power to remove the obsession and compulsion and get back on the beam.
Today is my bottom. I can't go on like this anymore. I'm going to a meeting on Friday. Shoot. I should go today. I'm just not willing. I will pray for the willingness to go to meetings.
Life is just too short for this. I'm 51 years old. I am alone all day. Theres a great big world out there. i am stuck.