http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/ Health related message boards offering discussions of numerous health topics including allergies, cancer, diabetes, heart disease, exercise, attention deficit disorder, diet, and nutrition. en Fri, 24 May 2013 10:13:44 GMT vBulletin 1 http://www.healthboards.com/boards/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/ http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/1055-still-here.html Wed, 22 Dec 2010 04:52:26 GMT


I don't even know what to write. Yes, I am still here. I am still struggling with my addiction but I think I am about to bring it to a close. At least I hope so.

I gave someone some advice earlier and I really think it would be to my advantage to follow my own advice for a change.

I hope to write the next time that I am on at least Day 7 but there I go projecting instead of staying in the now. ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/1055-still-here.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/991-journal-addiction.html Fri, 19 Nov 2010 22:24:41 GMT
It has been a little while since I posted here. I am about three days clean. I made it seven days, used, clean two days and then used again. This stuff, meth, is a b---h. I can quit I keep telling myself. But a lot of the time I don't care about any of it. That is my addiction talking to me! So, I guess I will write from my journal and hope that it might help someone else.

They will plead, beg, and guilt trip you. If only you would come out and see yourself the way we see you. If only you could feel a portion of the sorrow, pain, and fear that we do for you, dear one.

They are the ones who used to surround you with laughter and well being. Your family, your loved ones. Do you realize family members often take the blame for what is happening to you? They think, oh if only I had done this or hadn't done that.

And in madness you will indeed let them take the blame and you will tell them it is their fault. ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/991-journal-addiction.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/955-journal-addiction-number-one.html Fri, 05 Nov 2010 04:11:25 GMT

You have changed and not for the better! You can not even fully see the spectrum of it all. Do you have insight into just how uncontrollable it has really become? Keep on keepin' on until you drop. Your body is rotting and you bleed from orifices you didn't know you had. Yes, you will bleed in many ways.

And you will waste so much time...and life itself.

You grow angrier and more irrational as it goes. You are sullen. You got a glance of it, noticed a change and shrugged it off. Just blinked and then it was gone. People, friends that were will say that you are no longer recognizeable. And you give them, especially family that nothingness, that empty lost look that comes staring from eyes that no longer see. You just do not see. ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/955-journal-addiction-number-one.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/945-my-journal-addiction-number-one.html Wed, 03 Nov 2010 19:44:53 GMT So, was it good? A question often asked. What's good about it? Can any part of drugs be deemed good? Some would say yes, but only those who have not seen hell yet. Deeper and deeper and more maniacal it becomes. Poisoned thoughts and poisoned veins. The sicker it becomes the more you like it. So you fall in love for awhile and when the break up comes it's oh, so hard and twisted and ill. You've forgotten where you started and you know you just cannot forsee an end.
One day it knocked at your door and you let it come in. You let it come in. ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/945-my-journal-addiction-number-one.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/944-my-journal-addiction-number-one.html Wed, 03 Nov 2010 19:37:32 GMT
Ever go scuba diving? Now that is a real high. That is freedom. Nothing in btween you and the great ocean but a mask, an oxygen tank and some fins. The ebb and tide of the water pulling and pushing you...now that's an addiction I'd like to keep. ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/944-my-journal-addiction-number-one.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/943-my-journal-addiction-number-one.html Wed, 03 Nov 2010 06:35:36 GMT Thought I would write from my journal and maybe it will interest someone. More and more. That is how it alway's must be in that sickness of yours. (I tend to write third person a lot) Perhaps you have not seen a real day in quite some time. Have you forgotten how fresh the breeze blows? Have you taken any walks on a quiet country road?
No. You have lost yourself in that blur of hurry up and waste your life. Notice how you never reach your destination. It was a fleeting idea too hard to concentrate on. There you stand, sit, or squat in one position and it has been hours since you moved at all. Another wasted day in your taunted ways of addiction.
Then...I am trying to think. When did I sleep last? I know I have been up for at least forty-eight hours. Oh to have regular insomnia again but this was chemically-induced, no question.I don't think I saw one sunny day this summer. Only from a glance through a dirty window and could not make myself go outside.
The summer of meth and I am so pale. I lost myself in that blur of hurry up and do more dope. Hurry up and hallucinate more likely. Hurry up and waste what you have left of a life. Running yet never reaching a destination. It was a fleeting idea too hard to grasp. ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/943-my-journal-addiction-number-one.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/942-cant-ask-why.html Wed, 03 Nov 2010 06:14:56 GMT
Well here I am again. I was not talking about people in my last blog who take meds for legitimate pain. I have legitimate pain that I take pain medication for. I am talking about the one that uses to get high. It doesn't matter, an addict is an addict. So I couldn't take the sick feeling and I am tired of lying in bed all week only to get up and go get drugs. It is as if I can not do anything if I am not using. I am sure there is some depression there. Using tends to make you forget to take your regular meds. I just want to cry and I can not because I am numb. I know I need to relieve some burdens but I can't even muster up a tear. Perhaps I need to pray? On a good note I guess I should be glad I can go for about six days in between using. I only made it four days this week. My husband is fed up and I am thinking about going to treatment to get a longer amount of time on my belt. Do I want to quit? Well, I do not want to die of an overdose or just because the drug is so lethal. I can't ask why because it just is. I do not even want to look at my deeper issues alone because I think it would just be too much for me. It just is...because I am an addict. ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/942-cant-ask-why.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/939-do-you-think.html Sat, 30 Oct 2010 09:18:26 GMT I wonder, is there anyone out there that thinks he or she is not an addict just because they are on some pill. I see all kinds of people on here wanting help and advice for getting off xanax or vicodin or other pills but no one that wants help or... I wonder, is there anyone out there that thinks he or she is not an addict just because they are on some pill. I see all kinds of people on here wanting help and advice for getting off xanax or vicodin or other pills but no one that wants help or support for methamphetamine, cocaine, crack addiction. Am I the only one that thinks that I am an addict or that you pill poppers are addicts?
I am so sick of myself and getting so depressed lately due to this meth addiction. I have beat a lot of other addictions before this. I don't want to keep doing this but it seems that I just can not get that last bit of strength to go ahead and say to h--- with this stuff. Yes there are significant withdrawals to be had but I hear no support from anyone. I didn't choose to be an addict and have had a hard time accepting it for sure. God, I want to scream but I can't I can not even cry... ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/939-do-you-think.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/912-trusted.html Wed, 20 Oct 2010 09:28:33 GMT No, the addict in your life can not be trusted. They have lied, cheated, stolen from you, abused you... An addict, you say, can not be trusted while they are still using. I know I would rather say anything, even be a failure to avoid that look on... No, the addict in your life can not be trusted. They have lied, cheated, stolen from you, abused you... An addict, you say, can not be trusted while they are still using. I know I would rather say anything, even be a failure to avoid that look on your face. The look I get when you know I am lying, avoiding. That look you get when you find out I am struggling. That look when I fall off the pedestal you had me on. I would rather look at this as a learning process; a work in progress. A process that leads to strength. Progress that leads me back to you. It's okay if you want to tell me that I have hurt you in the past and am hurting you now. You need not be afraid. I welcome your truth. Hearing how you feel may get through to some part of me and make me think of others instead of just me, me, me. My hope that the work I am doing in recovery will allow me to accept what you say. If you are accepting of me as I struggle I will learn that I can come to you... I can push aside my trust issues and fears. Understand that I really do want to rebuild trust. I would like you to know that I am doing the very best that I can. Know that regardless of my day-to-day battles that you are so important to me and I want to do better. I want what you want and that is recovery.
The child can heal. The adult can heal. The family can heal. The addict can heal. ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/912-trusted.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/860-i-put-smile.html Wed, 06 Oct 2010 14:56:52 GMT
I feel bad about what I am doing. I put on a smile when all the while I'm runnin' on an emptiness and real feelings I dare not display. I am out of touch and if I could just take a moment I would be able to peek at what is really bothering me. That is the thing, it is not all about me.

I am manic and unable to sort out anything. So why punish and get the guilt trip going? That only allows my head to hang and I have been practicing holding it up. All the bs needs to stop. Just stop. And think... ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/860-i-put-smile.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/812-avoidance.html Wed, 22 Sep 2010 05:11:25 GMT Here I am on my third day off of methamphetamine. I am doing Ok . I am dealing with the cravings and trying to make up for lost sleep. What happens this time when I do get caught up and do begin to feel better. Or will I feel better? I stayed in bed... Here I am on my third day off of methamphetamine. I am doing Ok . I am dealing with the cravings and trying to make up for lost sleep. What happens this time when I do get caught up and do begin to feel better. Or will I feel better? I stayed in bed all day today and just got up a little while ago. I am noticing I have trouble typing. My brain isn't functioning as quickly as I would like it to and I hit keys that I didn't mean to hit. I crave sweets, mainly chocolate, like there is no tomorrow. My friend has gotten kicked out of yet another place to live because of her meth use. My husband tells me he doesn't want her around. She is my only friend. She isn't really much of a friend but she is someone I can talk to. Anyone else out there trying to stay off drugs or alcohol I would love to hear from you! Sincerely, searchin ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/812-avoidance.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/806-sleep-me-ha.html Sun, 19 Sep 2010 11:37:09 GMT I am trying to think when I slept last. I think it was Wednesday night? I know I have been up for at least 48 hours. Sometimes I just have insomnia but this time it was chemically induced by methamphetamine. I don't think I saw one real day this summer. The summer of meth. I lost myself in that blur of hurry up and do more dope. Hurry up and waste what is left of your life. Running and never reaching a destination. It was a fleeting idea too hard to concentrate on. There stand I, in one position not even realizing it has become another year gone by, another wasted daydream in that taunted daze of addiction. ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/806-sleep-me-ha.html http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/800-tired-being-me.html Fri, 17 Sep 2010 19:34:44 GMT [[IB][/B]FONT="Trebuchet MS"][/FONT]I am just tired of being me. Whoever that is... I am either depressed, manic, on drugs, off drugs, or a number of other diagnoses. I have never blogged before so I hope I am being appropriate.I guess I just need--what? I do not even know. Encouragement? I am bi-polar. I do not respond to therapy so there is no need to mention that. I miss life. I am stuck here in this house day after day without transportation and my husband just does not see what it is doing to me. All truth told I am detoxing off of meth so these mood swings are probably due to that. Ugh. ]]> Searchin http://www.healthboards.com/boards/blogs/searchin/800-tired-being-me.html