Lovelace

I've been struggling with papilledema (optic nerve swelling) and vision problems as a result for month. I was also struggling with headaches, and an unusual whirring sound in my ears that went along with my pulse. Went to the opthalmologist to have the papilledema confirmed. Have had 1 CT scan and 2 MRI's. All clear. The consensus seems to be Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (or Pseudotumor Cerebri), and though this has yet to be confirmed via lumbar puncture, the doctors and I are almost certain that this is the case.

I decided to do a bit of reading on what I'm in for, figuring I should educate myself on the disease. I wish I hadn't. I've been worrying nonstop and having nightmares for days from all the horrific things that are most likely going to become a part of my future. For one, there's the LP's: from what I hear, it's not uncommon to suffer from agonizing spinal headaches for up to five days after an LP, especially after going back for multiple LPs, which is one of the treatments for IIH. Then there's the medication they're considering - diamox - which is notorious for making you so drowsy you can barely get out of bed, making it impossible for you to concentrate on anything, and causing painful tingling in your fingers and feet.

I can't deal with this. I can't live like that. If I don't get treatment, I risk losing my vision and developing worse symptoms. If I do get treatment, I lose my entire future. I'm a straight A student. I was going to become a professional composer, majoring in piano. I can't get the grades I need if I have to put up with the side effects of the medication. I cannot afford to miss days or even weeks of school to leave for treatment, given that they need me to do multiple LPs - and there is absolutely no way I am going to chance getting a spinal headache by returning to school too soon. I'm scared the tingling will make it difficult for me to play the piano anymore. It seems like the only good thing that can come out of this is a chance that my vision will slowly improve, and I'll probably lose a considerable amount of weight, considering the medication makes some foods taste awful and kills your apetite. And before you say, "Well, you don't know for SURE you'll get those side effects," almost 90% of people who take it have the awful side effects very severely for a very long time.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so afraid and helpless. Nobody understands how afraid I am or why I'm afraid, and everyone seems to think that I'm overreacting by being so upset. And I know I am overreacting. There are people with cancer and other diseases that have to go through way worse. I just wish this didn't have to happen to me. I just want a normal life, without all of this pain and constant fear. I don't know how to cope with this. I feel completely alone. Nobody even knows what this disease is, except for the doctors and I. Not even my parents can seem to wrap their heads around it or grasp why I might be afraid. This is the most important part of my life. I have one more year of high school. After that, it's college. If I don't get this under control fast, I can kiss all of my old ambitions goodbye. I will drop out of high school if this becomes too much of a hassle or has too much of a negative effect on my grades. I cannot handle having anything under a 4.0, I just can't. Knowing that I'm going to have this permanent stain on my record forever because of something that I can't control is driving me insane. And if the treatment is as bad as they're saying it is, I doubt I'll be able to keep my grades up.