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Old 08-04-2011, 09:24 PM   #1
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Fiance burned severely and has shut me out

I can't seem to find any help online. I am looking for advice from someone who has been burned or in a relationship with someone who has.

Long story short; My fiance was severely burned on legs and arms primarily, its been months but he won't let me help him with compression garments or even take him to therapy appointments. Instead, he turns to his family and consequently, this puts a significant strain because we are dependant on their schedule. Not to mention, I feel like the truust and intimacy is really shaken because he won't allow me to help him.

This may not be the forum to post this but I'm reaching out anywhere I can possibly find any help or referrences for help.

 
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Old 08-05-2011, 02:41 PM   #2
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Re: Fiance burned severely and has shut me out

He might feel embarrssed or ashamed of the way he looks. While trying to heal from severe burns it is extremely painful and the skin looks very, very bad. It is not only uncomfortable their is a certain smell too. He might be trying to protect you from the way his skin looks, or he might not have come to terms with the way his burns look himself. Their can be many reasons as to why he does not want your assistance. But, it probably has to do more with him then you. He cannot come to terms with it himself, so he thinks nobhody else will either.
Severe burns in the healing process takes months to get better , and then their is the emotional part. When I was severely burned I could not look at it . I had staples holding the new skin together that all had to be removed, and everything hurt. I was embarrased too. but, needed the help. So I had enormus pain and humilation. I can only guess as to what your BF is going through . Try talking to him about it. but try and know that if he has not come to terms with how he is healing or looks then it will be impossible for him to let you in right now. He also may not want to be a burden to you. I do think that this is about him and how he is feeling more then it is about you.

 
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Old 08-06-2011, 12:36 PM   #3
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Re: Fiance burned severely and has shut me out

Thank you very much for your response. I have tried talking to him and he basically has told me the same thing that you said. I just worry because he refuses to get counseling and is determined to do this on his on. I don't want him to fall into that downward spiral of depression. Let me ask you, did or does it do any good to keep talking or is it best to back off?

I am trying to be patient and understanding. I haven't seen him in weeks due to his family schedule etc.... He also says that he feels badly because he isn't "good" company. I tell him over and over that just being with him is all I want. That he doesn't have to be anything he isn't right now. I guess that goes back to him feeling like a burden.

I just want to do what is best for him so any advice is much appreciated.

Last edited by mod85; 10-14-2011 at 04:16 AM.

 
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Old 08-06-2011, 02:27 PM   #4
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Re: Fiance burned severely and has shut me out

When you are severely burned and getting better their is no way that you can do it on your own. Either a nurse or people close to you have to help with bandage changes ... And that can be very painful while healing. your not sure how to react . Let him talk to you and tell him youi are there for him no matter what. The healing process makes it hard to reach out to others because your skin looks unsightly , and you don't even want to look. Your BF will do better after he reaches the healing stage and is over the worst part. Right now he is in a lot of pain and probably very tired. Try to stay at his pace and reassure him that you are not going anywhere . He might be afraid of losing you . But trying to keep you at a distance at the same time.

Last edited by mod85; 10-14-2011 at 04:16 AM.

 
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Old 10-13-2011, 11:26 PM   #5
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Re: Fiance burned severely and has shut me out

From what i can tell he likely has post traumatic stress syndrome to some degree as well, he thinks he has to do it on his own or he will be less of a man.

He needs some counselling to get over it, i was hurt bad, before too, you think you can get over it. But then something in the future will trigger the memories to come back and it will be like going through again.

Get him to talk about it, how he feels. Support him and let him know you love him for what is inside him not what people see outside. That you want to try and understand his pain, to be able to empathise with him, if you have any kids, ask him how he felt when he saw you in labour, tell him that is how you feel now. That you want to help go thru it with him.

That is best comparison i could think of.

 
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Old 03-13-2012, 11:52 AM   #6
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Re: Fiance burned severely and has shut me out

Hi. I understand he has some pretty severe injuries. As a burn patient, the shock of the extreme changes to our bodies can sometimes over ride our feelings for a loved one such as yourself. I can not speak for him, however I know in my case I was extremely ashamed of my burns, felt ugly and pushed my husband away. At one point he asked me for a divorce which even made me angrier. I am curious, how long since his accident? Over time once the physical healing catches on, the emotional healing will occur. Alot will also depend on what pain medications he is currently on. Morphine and alot of narcotics "NUMB" our emotions along with numbing our pain. So he may never be the man you once knew. Just be there for him, do not abandon him, and let the "healing process" take its course. I was burned 14 years ago from my knees down. The burns at the time seemed small, however the doctor butchered my legs. It was not until years later that I learned my husband DID NOT REALIZE how serious my injuries were at the time. I almost died, lost over half the blood in my body, and he had no clue. At the time I was angry because he was more concerned about punishing one of our sons than showing concern for me and my condition. He had no idea how serious it was until he actually SAW MY LEGS. By then, I was so angry with him that no one could reason with me and I was angry with myself for burning my legs. I PUSHED HIM AWAY. And your guy may be doing the same. I am happy to say we ARE still together so just hang in there. TIME HEALS ALL.

 
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