What is the husband suppose to say and do? - Cancer: Breast Message Board

Kattie43 · 03-31-2004, 06:02 PM

I'm asking this for a friend:

His wife just found out yesterday she has breast cancer. They are 37 with two small children. Not only is my friend devestated, he feels at a loss on what to say and how to act around his wife.

Any suggestions would be so helpful.

Johncar · 03-31-2004, 10:19 PM

Hi there, and WOW, what a tough question to respond to. I think people are all so different that we will all have an opinion that may differ. If it is any help, I'll tell you what I wanted to hear from friends, family and my husband when it was me. 1) I wanted people to cry with me, laugh with me, and swear with me. It put people at a disadvantage because as my moods swung, I wanted people to swing with me... you know, 'don't cry while I'm laughing' kindof thing. 2) I wanted to know that NO MATTER WHAT, everyone person who ever knew me would go to the Nth degree to take care of my kids. I found out later that my kids worried about the same thing. "Who will take care of me if.....?" 3) I needed people to let me state my worries out loud without them pooh-poohing them. 4) I needed my husband to tell me how he was feeling too, because sometimes he was so "brave" that I felt like he wasn't near as scared as I was. I found out after some tough conversations that he was scared too. I needed him to be my spokesperson when I couldn't be in many situations, but I also needed him to let me speak for myself when I wanted to. Again, I put him in a tough spot and I had to be honest about my feelings.

Finally, I went through all of this in various stages. At the beginning I was in such shock that I couldn't talk to hardly anyone and he was spokesperson. After the first few weeks I was a little better at talking about it with others, and months later I was able to have honest conversations about feelings with others beyond family. It's so scary and hard to try to reconcile yourself to something at the same time others are trying to reconcile themselves to it... you are all bound to go through various stages. I certainly did denial, mourning (I did, I mourned the life I didn't think I would have for a while), and I did anger, and I did joy for new days.

Please tell your friends that I will be 37 this year too, and was 33 at diagnosis. It is as difficult as any family crisis is and all you can do is love each other through it.

By the way, I think you are a great friend to ask this question on behalf of them.

Deb

jeopardymom · 04-01-2004, 03:31 PM

I think the most important thing the husband can do is let his wife know they are in this together, and that he didn't marry her for her breasts, and that all that matters to him is that she get well. And he should do all he can to make her load easier; caring for the children more so that she will have the time she needs for herself with zero guilt, for she is probably as worried about the effect her illness will have on her kids as she is for her own well-being.

Kalie · 04-02-2004, 09:21 AM

Well, everyone's relationship is different, so that's a tough question. For example, if she needs a shoulder to cry on, he should provide it. If she wants to carry on with their daily activities as if she isn't sick (while taking care of herself of course) then he should be sure not to bring up her diagnosis every 15 minutes. Knowing your partner is the most important thing.

My husband was as perfect through my cancer b/c he knows me and took the time and spent the energy on doing what was right for me. He came to every Dr's appt, and asked me about how I felt, not just about treatment options, but about how I felt as a person.

One of the first things he told me after I came home from the hospital after my mastectomy (I was 25 years old) was that I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I don't think I realized it, but at that time I really needed to hear that. When I would make a joke about the cancer he laughed. It's the little things.

I think the most important thing is that he always treated me like his wife, not a cancer patient.

Best wishes for your friends!