shadow1972

I am a 31 afro american female who contracted hiv/aids when i was 19yrs from my now ex husband. Until this year, I have not had any serious problems. I go for regulare checkups, take my meds, etc.
This past march i was diagnosed with breast cancer, stage 2 right breast. I had opted to have a bilateral masectomy with reconstruction. All my lymphs nodes under my right arm where removed also. Test they performed on lymph nodes all came back negative. I was not a candidate for any of the drugs they give females after having breast cancer. My oncologist suggested 4 treatments of chemo therapy. He said there was only 10% chance I would be cured. I opted not to have the chemo for several reasons, my hiv status, and the fact that I cant afford to be out of work anymore and not to loose insurance. My doctor who treats me for the hiv said he understood.
Now just now I had my 6 mos pelvic exam and I was told I hae moderate to severe dysplasia. In april I had one and it came back normal, and all test I have had done in the past 5-6yrs every 6 mos have been normal. Does this have anything to do with the breast cancer? and how can it go from nothing in a matter of 6 mos to severe. I have a coloscopy scheduled.
Even though I have no children and may never have any, even though i would love to(please dont judge me for this) but I want to in as good of health as I can. What are my chances of getting this treating without letting them rip my insides out, which is how I feel. I feel like Im not a whole person as it is, and to have to go through a hysterectomy, right now Im not sure if I can handle this. I am alone, I have no support, or friends to talk to about this.
I feel after 11 yrs of hiv/aids and no major problems, that now my years a very numbered. I havent thought I would die in months since I was diagnosed 11yrs ago. Now I feel my time has come. I feel fine physically, not ******d signs of anything wrong other than the test i have performed. I wouldnt know anything was wrong if I didnt have these checkups, but mentally i know Im not stable. There are days I just want to die and get over this, get rid of all this deppression and loneliness. support groups havent been able to help much, as i cant find anyone who has been through the exact same things only one or two of my problems.