Re: Cervical cancer stage 1b2 aftermath...
That's the most insidious thing about cancer, especially gynae cancers.
Because that part of our body regularly experiences transformation, and pain - every bloody two weeks.
And it was hiding there, and we didnt know.
So who can say its not still there in a way that makes us truly believe it?
The rug was pulled out from under our feet - the world changed, we changed.
And that fear, well, it never truly goes away.
I had AIS. Not invasive disease. My smears have come back clear, but with no endocervical component present. Adenocarcinoma, unlike squamous which is a continual growth from one place, can appear in any of the glandular cells, they don't have to be adjacent.
And so for me, 12 months on from a cone with positive margins, I still can't relax, can't believe its over.
But what that does give me is a solid kick up the bum. I refused the hysterectomy because a) it wasn't invasive cancer, and b) I wanted to have kids.
I put off trying for kids due to now being a petty pivotal time in my new career - graduation and then commencement of my graduate program in nursing and I freaked out that I was losing it all.
So, even if it looks trashy to the outsider - or unfair that someone who got a much coveted grad role is pregnant, I'm going to start trying now.
My TD- the professor, has already said he will do a csection and hyster at the same time to deliver my babies. I'm going to get IVF support to TTC twins.
This time next year I won't be freaking out about results. I will be home, with a baby or two, and bloody sore, recovering from a hysterectomy.
But then, oh god I hope then, I can feel like its truly over. That I'm safe.
Brachytherapy is a conclusive treatment, much like the hyster.
I hope you can find some peace soon - but please know that you're allowed to feel this turmoil, that you're allowed to be scared.