Iam a 42 yr old female who completed radiation-chemo , brachytherapy.1 yr ago. Since then I experienced a lot if bone and spine pain. A lot of pelvic pain. A lot of fatigue. Depression and anxiety. A lot of tests have been done, the remarks from the Oncolog.and GP said I am cured. But every bone in my body feels like I slept in a rock tumbler.I am so terrified that iam recurring. Anyone out there feeling the same? I feel like its back and no one can find it.
That's the most insidious thing about cancer, especially gynae cancers.
Because that part of our body regularly experiences transformation, and pain - every bloody two weeks.
And it was hiding there, and we didnt know.
So who can say its not still there in a way that makes us truly believe it?
The rug was pulled out from under our feet - the world changed, we changed.
And that fear, well, it never truly goes away.
I had AIS. Not invasive disease. My smears have come back clear, but with no endocervical component present. Adenocarcinoma, unlike squamous which is a continual growth from one place, can appear in any of the glandular cells, they don't have to be adjacent.
And so for me, 12 months on from a cone with positive margins, I still can't relax, can't believe its over.
But what that does give me is a solid kick up the bum. I refused the hysterectomy because a) it wasn't invasive cancer, and b) I wanted to have kids.
I put off trying for kids due to now being a petty pivotal time in my new career - graduation and then commencement of my graduate program in nursing and I freaked out that I was losing it all.
So, even if it looks trashy to the outsider - or unfair that someone who got a much coveted grad role is pregnant, I'm going to start trying now.
My TD- the professor, has already said he will do a csection and hyster at the same time to deliver my babies. I'm going to get IVF support to TTC twins.
This time next year I won't be freaking out about results. I will be home, with a baby or two, and bloody sore, recovering from a hysterectomy.
But then, oh god I hope then, I can feel like its truly over. That I'm safe.
Brachytherapy is a conclusive treatment, much like the hyster.
I hope you can find some peace soon - but please know that you're allowed to feel this turmoil, that you're allowed to be scared.
The Following User Says Thank You to Allanniah For This Useful Post: jenpet (07-22-2013)
I hope that you have children. I hope you grow old and wrinkilie.I have a friend that had the cone.she has a child and no recurring cancer.the precurcer adenocarcinona if cancerous is very scary. I feel for you. Please keep in touch if anything changes.hugs.
The Following User Says Thank You to jenpet For This Useful Post: Allanniah (07-04-2013)
I remember feeling EXACTLY what you are feeling. I went through the same treatments, excluding brachytherapy, which was attempted, but apparently my pelvis is too narrow, so I was hit with super doses of radiation until the cancer disappeared.
It's been six years since I went through all of that, but I can still recall the fear I experienced after the treatments were done. I was constantly afraid of a recurrence. The pain and fatigue did nothing to help the fear either.
Six years later, I'm in the best shape of my life and I feel wonderful, most of the time. I still have fatigue and some joint pain every once in a while, but overall, everything is good.
So...my advice to you is...relax, allow yourself to rest and take it easy. It DOES get better! It may not feel like it, but it does.
Congratulations on being a Survivor!
The Following User Says Thank You to monallistorm For This Useful Post: jenpet (07-22-2013)