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Old 03-06-2007, 04:13 AM   #1
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Unhappy please help dads dying

i am finding it quite hard at the moment my dad has colon cancer with multiple liver mets the cancer has also spread to his lymph nodes outside his liver. he has had had 1/3 of his liver removed chemo and the cancer still came back within 4 mths. we have been told he has about 9/12mths left and i cant seem to take it in i am an only child so i feel i need to keep strong for my daughter who is 11 and my mother as we are the only family they have i am 34 yrs of age and feel i am not coping v well at all if anyone is going through the same thing and has any advice i would be grateful,also i dont know what will happen to my dad maybe its just the uncertaintey ,thankyou for reading this.

Last edited by jeanette34; 03-06-2007 at 04:16 AM.

 
Old 03-06-2007, 04:57 AM   #2
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Re: please help dads dying

Hi jeanette im so very sorry to hear about you dad i lost my mum 4 weeks ago after a 8mnth battle against the same terrible disease,i still cnt believe mums gone but i couldnt bear to see her suffer no more.
All you can do is be there for your dad tell him u love all the time and hugs n kisses,its very hard i know jeanette.
My thoughts are with you all (((hugs)))

 
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Old 03-06-2007, 05:01 AM   #3
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Re: please help dads dying

oh sorry im 33 by the way from lincolnshire,please keep me informed i know its very painful

 
Old 03-06-2007, 05:02 AM   #4
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Re: please help dads dying

I am so sorry to hear about your father. It is no wonder that you are feeling so overwhelmed. Is he still getting treatment? I realize you feel a sense of responsibility in staying strong for your family but you have to also recognize your personal need to express your fears and other emotions. Be there for each other and try to spend as much time with your father as possible. The prospect of losing a parent is always so frightening. At the same time, do not give up hope.

My heart goes out to you and your family.

Love and prayers,
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Husband dx July 2003, advanced rectal cancer stage 111C; myself dx July 2006 indolent lymphoma; husband dx February 2010, stage 2 prostate cancer.

 
Old 03-06-2007, 05:07 AM   #5
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Re: please help dads dying

thankyou for message I know nothing takes the pain away and I am very sorry for loss, I have so many emotions from feeling guilty I cant do anything to v upset and also very angry is this a normal thing to go through,we dont seem to have much emotional support from anyone so it makes me feel that I may not be coping myself. Mum and Dad are on the holiday of a lifetime time at the mo , he seems to be enjoying himself although tired but that seems to upset me as well as it seems to be a final thing,everything is so confusing at the moment. My dad turned 60 yesterday he is just too young,it really isnt fair is it. My thoughts are with u ,jeanette.

 
Old 03-06-2007, 05:16 AM   #6
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Re: please help dads dying

hi, my dad is not having treatment anymore as his chemo madde him so ill,the surgeon he is under says nothing will really help now so try to enjoy every moment, so taking his advise mum and dad are in egypt on a cruise,but again this seems asad as it will be there last holiday as dad is feeling v tired.I think I am just v confused over all the emotions I feel,I also have a daughter who is 11 and very close to her grandad She is not aware of how serious my dads illness is but it is getting harder to keep my feelings in do you think this is right too protect her or is it going to make it worse for her . thanks for taking the time to read this it helps to talk. jeanette

 
Old 03-06-2007, 05:46 AM   #7
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Re: please help dads dying

ALL your feelings are quite normal. Have you thought about getting counselling for yourself if you feel you are unable to cope. It is an awful lot to be going through and counselling may help you to express your feelings. It is great to hear that your parents are taking a holiday even though it seems to you that it makes it all so final.

We all try to protect our children from the sad events of life but they have to be exposed at some time. Your daughter is witnessing and experiencing another life event, or the prospect of it. She is seeing her mum feeling the pain and fear of her grandfather's illness and the love that goes with those emotions. Even though you do not want to overwhelm her with all your fears, encourage her to express her feelings too.

When I was 13, my grandmother became sick with terminal cancer and I have never felt so alone in my life. My mother and I did not have the kind of relationship where we felt comfortable sharing emotions. And I have always felt saddened by that. When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer herself, we were able to talk a little more about it, but still not as much as I would have liked. I have made sure that the lines of communication are much more open with my children.

Be there for your daughter, your parents but, most of all, be there for yourself. Make sure you are doing everything to help you through this.

Love,
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Husband dx July 2003, advanced rectal cancer stage 111C; myself dx July 2006 indolent lymphoma; husband dx February 2010, stage 2 prostate cancer.

 
Old 03-06-2007, 05:49 AM   #8
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Re: please help dads dying

hi just to say not sure if i am repling ok to your message new to this and unsure if you got the reply thanks

 
Old 03-06-2007, 05:54 AM   #9
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Re: please help dads dying

Quote:
Originally Posted by alison hamilton View Post
ALL your feelings are quite normal. Have you thought about getting counselling for yourself if you feel you are unable to cope. It is an awful lot to be going through and counselling may help you to express your feelings. It is great to hear that your parents are taking a holiday even though it seems to you that it makes it all so final.

We all try to protect our children from the sad events of life but they have to be exposed at some time. Your daughter is witnessing and experiencing another life event, or the prospect of it. She is seeing her mum feeling the pain and fear of her grandfather's illness and the love that goes with those emotions. Even though you do not want to overwhelm her with all your fears, encourage her to express her feelings too.

When I was 13, my grandmother became sick with terminal cancer and I have never felt so alone in my life. My mother and I did not have the kind of relationship where we felt comfortable sharing emotions. And I have always felt saddened by that. When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer herself, we were able to talk a little more about it, but still not as much as I would have liked. I have made sure that the lines of communication are much more open with my children.

Be there for your daughter, your parents but, most of all, be there for yourself. Make sure you are doing everything to help you through this.

Love,
thank you for your advice it really helps , jeanette

 
Old 03-06-2007, 05:57 AM   #10
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Re: please help dads dying

Hi jeanette i know it isnt fair my mum had just turned 51,i still cant understand why,i have to be strong for my younger sister shes only 17 and finding life quite hard,i go over to mums this saturday as its time to scatter her ashes not looking forward to it.
I also have an 11 year old daughter.
I really do feel for you jeanette,sometimes i want to run away and scream even now but something keeps yoo going love.
Im always here if you need to scream and shout take care

 
Old 03-06-2007, 06:15 AM   #11
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Re: please help dads dying

Quote:
Originally Posted by mabo_lisa View Post
Hi jeanette i know it isnt fair my mum had just turned 51,i still cant understand why,i have to be strong for my younger sister shes only 17 and finding life quite hard,i go over to mums this saturday as its time to scatter her ashes not looking forward to it.
I also have an 11 year old daughter.
I really do feel for you jeanette,sometimes i want to run away and scream even now but something keeps yoo going love.
Im always here if you need to scream and shout take care
thankyou verymuch it helps to know someone understands if you dont mind me asking did you tell your daughter quite soon about her grandma or did you wait I really dont know what or how to start to tell my daughter the extent of her grandads illness, any advice would be a help. I hope you allget through the weekend I cant imagine how you must feeling, you keep going you seemto be a strong person I suppose life does that to us ,my thoughts r with you .love jeanette.

 
Old 03-06-2007, 06:36 AM   #12
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Re: please help dads dying

Jeanette,

I am so sorry for all you are going thru. I am right there with you.

My dad is also terminal. I too am an only child and I moved my dad into live with us for now. I think it may be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I have three kids, 12, 17 and 20. We told them all just about as soon as we found out. I guess with him moving in I had little choice in the matter.

All of the kids seem to be dealing well with it. We know it is hard on them and hubby and I spend extra family time with the kids now. It is amazing how well the kids are taking it, and how willing they are to help with the little things for grandpa, make a sandwich, fill a cup.

I know the feeling of wanting to be strong. That is how I walk thru most of my day. Some cold stone figure that walks thru life going from one task to the next. I know it is not good for me and don't think it is good for my kids or my dad.

My kids need to learn to come to grips with feelings such as this. I can't protect them forever. As for my dad, I don't let him see it all, but I don't want him feeling like I am just waiting for him to kick the bucket.

I wish the best for you and your family.

Natural Peace

 
Old 03-06-2007, 06:47 AM   #13
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Re: please help dads dying

thanks for your message hope you look after yourself it is not easy is it,I know what you mean about going through each day,it all seems sureal,thankyou for telling me about your children it helps to know they do cope,take care jeanette.

 
Old 03-06-2007, 07:59 AM   #14
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Re: please help dads dying

Hi i had to tell my kids because i got a phone saying my mum was terminal and i collapsed on the floor heartbroken,they took it quite well,i think its better to be honest kids are quite resilient.
I know you will get through this jeanette,i dont mean it will be easy im having a real bad day today crying etc and still angry but something keeps you going no matter how bad you dont want to keep going.
My kids have there own little memmorys especially my 11 yr old daughter who was close to mum has mums picture beside her bed,even speaks to her in some way,i just got told to leave her to it - her way (susan my daughter) of dealing with it love.
i feel very upset for you as i know exactly what you are going through.
I didnt take my children to see my mum in the last couple of weeks because i knew they wouldnt be able to deal with how my mum was i just wanted them to remember the way she used to be.
speak soon jeanette and try keep your chin up its nice to meet you by the way (((hugs))) lisa

 
Old 03-06-2007, 08:54 AM   #15
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Re: please help dads dying

thankyou for your help,I hope I didnt make today harder for you, look after yourself love jeanette. nice too meet you too.

 
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