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Old 01-21-2004, 01:05 PM   #1
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~TAZ~ HB User
Unhappy Not a Good Day.....

I am having a really hard time here and I guess that talking, or posting something online might help me cope with all of this. My dad was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer in September and he has been through many treatments of radiation and so far two rounds of chemo. I have been in the hospital with him (and my mom) three times this weekend (emergency) and he got admitted on Monday. They did a MRI yesterday and apparently the cancer has spread to his bones. He has three partially but seriously fractured vertebrae in his back which is causing him many problems, pain of course but also kidney and bathroom problems. He is also getting two units of blood daily or every two days, not sure cause it has only been two days to help get his blood up.

I have been really coping well but since the weekend, I have been having a very hard time of things. I have to be strong for him and my mom (who is taking this very very hard) and since I am the oldest brother (one other one) it puts alot of stress on my shoulders. A good friend of mine, his mom died of cancer not to long ago and he has been good to talk to. He always says that he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy and wow do I know what he means.

I just wish I has someone to talk to, I do in "real life" but it would be nice to talk to someone on here as well. I am not looking for sympathy but rather someone who has been through something like this and how they got through it. I know and have realized what is going to happen but how do you not loose hope? I am really trying my best but seeing him suffering so much and seeing my mom go through what she is, it's tearing me apart.

I guess I am just looking for some support or at the very least, something to read to help me understand all of this.

 
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Old 01-21-2004, 05:53 PM   #2
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Re: Not a Good Day.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~TAZ~
I am having a really hard time here and I guess that talking, or posting something online might help me cope with all of this. My dad was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer in September and he has been through many treatments of radiation and so far two rounds of chemo. I have been in the hospital with him (and my mom) three times this weekend (emergency) and he got admitted on Monday. They did a MRI yesterday and apparently the cancer has spread to his bones. He has three partially but seriously fractured vertebrae in his back which is causing him many problems, pain of course but also kidney and bathroom problems. He is also getting two units of blood daily or every two days, not sure cause it has only been two days to help get his blood up.

I have been really coping well but since the weekend, I have been having a very hard time of things. I have to be strong for him and my mom (who is taking this very very hard) and since I am the oldest brother (one other one) it puts alot of stress on my shoulders. A good friend of mine, his mom died of cancer not to long ago and he has been good to talk to. He always says that he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy and wow do I know what he means.

I just wish I has someone to talk to, I do in "real life" but it would be nice to talk to someone on here as well. I am not looking for sympathy but rather someone who has been through something like this and how they got through it. I know and have realized what is going to happen but how do you not loose hope? I am really trying my best but seeing him suffering so much and seeing my mom go through what she is, it's tearing me apart.

I guess I am just looking for some support or at the very least, something to read to help me understand all of this.
I Taz,
I just joined the board but am a long time reader. I am in the same position as you except we are waiting to see what kind/stage of cancer my boyfriend has. It helped me to read all the threads. I'm a graduate student in mental health counseling and the feeling of "universality" is when you realize you are not alone. The fact that someone else has survived the pain we feel is partially helpful. You can talk to me if you need. But I am in the same boat as you. We need someone more knowledgeable to talk to. Good luck and hang in there.
Stephanie

 
Old 01-22-2004, 12:05 AM   #3
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Angel77 HB User
Re: Not a Good Day.....

As hard as it might be right now, there may be some things that you and your dad want to share. He may not know how to start or if you would want to. Many people don't find out until their loved one is gone, things they wanted to know. Some of them are just silly, but when you move beyond the grief, you'll be glad you had them.
If your dad is looking at no cure, don't waste time. If you feel you dad is up to it or even without being specific, give him a journal for him to write his feelings and thoughts in. These will be invaluable to you later.
My dad died when I was 4, so I didn't have to go through the pain of watching anyone suffer, the innocense of childhood is so precious. I wish we could all be that way again. Not fully understanding the gravity of what's going on.
You may feel the need to be strong for your mom and bro, but you can't let yourself fall apart in the process. This board is great. So many subjects and so many wonderful people just waiting to talk to you. You may also want to introduce your family to this board if you feel they could benefit, without loss of privacy to yourself. On the board heading the cancer boards is a thread called Friends of Sophie and one that says something to the effect of "I have leukemia and I'm afraid I'm dying." Sophie was such a wonderful spirit and so insightful at such a young age. Your dad may benefit from using forums like this just the Sophie did.
You need to keep talking to people so you don't wall yourself off from the outside. You won't come to grips with this for a while yet. My guess is that you're still in the,"this isn't happening," phase of things.
Although I never had to watch my dad, sis, or bro die, I did have to watch one of my favorite grandpa's die. He was an oncologist of all things, and had prostate cancer. He was in remission for 14 yrs before it hit again. The hardest part was to watch someone who was sooo active and healthy fall apart before your eyes. You want to fix it but feel so hopeless when you can't. Your being there is going to make such a difference though to your mom and dad. Your dad will take that with him. I know people will tell you he's going to a better place, they mean well, just don't know how to help. Even though I believe that with all my heart, it doesn't stop those left behind from aching.
I have a g/f that works in a hospice and she said that every time she was there when someone passed away that they saw someone come for them. Most of the time it was a parent or really great friend. She said they were so peaceful, the pain stopped and most of the time they would talk to someone and give them some gesture they were ready to go home. Then they were gone. Many blamed it on the meds, but she's been there hundreds of times and it never fails.
The hardest part for me was when this person came for my Grandpa. I remember thinking I just wouldn't let them come in, they couldn't take him if they couldn't get to him...but they don't knock on doors do they.
I know this is more the after effects of it, but once you've moved beyond the watching them hurt, it just seems surreal and like it never happened that way. I still see it in my head and know it hurt, but feel so disconnected from it.
Your mom is going to need a lot of help too. She will be losing the love of her life and you a father, but it's hard for parents to be the parents when they're hurting like this. She's lucky to have you. There's widow support groups as well as support for people who are losing a loved one. I don't specifically what they're called, but you can find them.
Also, take this time to tell your dad all the wonderful times you had with him, the way he influenced you and what a great father he was. Don't talk in the past-tense, but it may help him know he's done a good job. The people who are sick also have fears. My aunt had breast cancer that metastized and eventually took her home. She was sooo worried about the kids knowing she loved them, remembering the funny things, wanting them to know that she will always be there, etc. It hurt them all to talk about it, but through the tears they all did. That was 2 yrs ago and they are still grieving, but glad they were able to share.
There are some great books out there on grief. You may want to get something that will help you with the grief of the here and now. They're nice to have around when you're feeling totally alone, it's 2am and no one to talk to.
I don't know...I'm just rambling, I just wish people never had to hurt this way and wish I could fix it. I know more about loss than I ever hoped to know. At 26 I've been to over 40 funerals, and they don't get any easier or less painful.
If I can help, please let me know. I don't usually ramble soooo bad, but it takes me back to places I don't like reliving, but hate to see someone living them alone.
Best wishes to you and your family. I will keep you all in my hearts and prayers.
__________________
If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!

 
Old 01-22-2004, 01:22 AM   #4
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kiddo HB User
Re: Not a Good Day.....

i know what you are going through. My Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer last month which has spread to various bones.

My thoughts are with you. Stay strong

Kiddo

ps. I have my up and down days. I'll be there for you

 
Old 01-22-2004, 05:52 AM   #5
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mephoto HB User
Re: Not a Good Day.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~TAZ~
I am having a really hard time here and I guess that talking, or posting something online might help me cope with all of this. My dad was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer in September and he has been through many treatments of radiation and so far two rounds of chemo. I have been in the hospital with him (and my mom) three times this weekend (emergency) and he got admitted on Monday. They did a MRI yesterday and apparently the cancer has spread to his bones. He has three partially but seriously fractured vertebrae in his back which is causing him many problems, pain of course but also kidney and bathroom problems. He is also getting two units of blood daily or every two days, not sure cause it has only been two days to help get his blood up.

I have been really coping well but since the weekend, I have been having a very hard time of things. I have to be strong for him and my mom (who is taking this very very hard) and since I am the oldest brother (one other one) it puts alot of stress on my shoulders. A good friend of mine, his mom died of cancer not to long ago and he has been good to talk to. He always says that he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy and wow do I know what he means.

I just wish I has someone to talk to, I do in "real life" but it would be nice to talk to someone on here as well. I am not looking for sympathy but rather someone who has been through something like this and how they got through it. I know and have realized what is going to happen but how do you not loose hope? I am really trying my best but seeing him suffering so much and seeing my mom go through what she is, it's tearing me apart.

I guess I am just looking for some support or at the very least, something to read to help me understand all of this.
Hi Taz,

I am so sorry to hear your story, unfortunately I have been in your shoes and you have a long road ahead. Please take one day at a time, it's the only way to get through. I just lost my dad on Thanksgiving morning to lung cancer which had spread to the bone, then back to the lung. Dad was diagnosed for almost two years before he passed away. He was a fighter, he didn't want this thing getting him. He was toooo young, only 60 and a non-smoker. When he was first diagnosed I gave him a journal to write things in, notes, dr. appts. thoughts, feelings. This might help your dad get his feelings on paper, it opens up for communication. I would visit my dad almost daily, I would rub his back, get him dinner, lunch, do anything he needed. During this time we became so close. But during this time I was also mentally preparing what it was going to be like with out him. My mom on the other hand was in denial the whole time. She got angry and mad, she couldn't understand why this was happening to them. He just retired and now this. I looked at it as...we can't change what is here, the doctors tell us the chances are null for a cure or recovery, so lets make his final months and days happy. Some of the best times I had with dad were at the end, I just had my third child and he was able to meet her. She and all of his grandchildren were around him a lot, that always put a smile on his face. And not once did dad complain of anything. We helped make his final days and his journey to the other side peaceful. My brother, sister, mom and myself were with him in the hospice unit of our hospital the full 24 hours before he passed away. And in a strange sort of way, it was a beautiful experience. Dad was so peaceful, he knew we were all there when he took his last breath. That was so important to him and all of us. When I look back there is nothing I regret and nothing I would have changed, I just look forward to keeping his spirit alive by talking to my children about him and showing them photos and videos of there PaPa. Love your dad, tell him you love him, hug him, laugh with him, talk with him, walk with him, comfort him and in the end you will feel so good inside knowing he is at peace. I think about my dad daily, I still cry daily, it's hard, but just knowing that we had such a wonderful time together the last few months softens the shock of him not being here. It's my mom that I worry about, she is having such a difficult time. My heart just aches for her. Your mom will need you too for support, just be there to hold her hand or lend a shoulder for her to cry on.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.
K.

 
Old 01-22-2004, 09:25 AM   #6
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Post Re: Not a Good Day.....

Dear Taz,
I read your letter and I can feel the depth of your pain so I felt compelled to respond. I just walked through what you are going through right now. My father also had lung cancer and from the time he was diagnosed until he passed on was only 2 months. I stayed with him throughout his hospital stay and witnessed all the hospital nightmares. I had never lost anyone I loved nor had I had experience with what goes on in hospitals. It has been the most devastating and traumatic experience of my life. My sweet, precious daddy that I loved with all my heart passed away in my arms. I am in the throes of grief so I completely understand your pain, your frustration, your feeling of helplessness, and how frightening this is to you. If you want to talk more in depth please feel you can send me a private message. Pammyjune

 
Old 01-22-2004, 09:59 AM   #7
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~TAZ~ HB User
Re: Not a Good Day.....

Thank you so much everyone that responded to my message. It sure is conforting reading the messages on here, knowing that people understand what you are going through, almost like they are right there with you. I had a better night last night, and today so far, just maybe realizing that instead of being angry, bitter, sad, frusterated, etc, it's just better to clearly understand what is happenning and keep as positive an outlook as possible. I had some very scary dreams lately, all of them with my dad dying and me not being there at the time, or not saying what I wanted to tell him, or knowing that I would never be able to talk to him again (in person). It really made me think and I have made sure before I head home each night from the hospital that I tell him I love him, among other things. It's sad to know that things will probably be getting worse but I do know that the doctors will make sure he isn't in any pain. After seeing him go through what he has (with the chemo, side effects, severe weight/muscle loss) and then the bone problems, as long as he doesn't suffer, I am ok with what happens. Sure I know he has suffered tremendously already, but knowing that I have the time to be there with him, I will take advantage of it and me there for him as well as my mom. I know it is going to be really hard on her, just like anyone in this situation, and your situations you told me about.

I never really knew what cancer could do to a person. I never thought it was anything like it is, I guess you can't really until you experience it with a loved one. Cancer doesn't only effect it's victim, but it effects everyone around the loved one. In a way, we are all fighting against it, and sadly for the majority of the people in the world, it is a loosing battle for one but hopefully a battle that the others can learn from, improve their lives from and know that each day really does count cause it could very well be the last.

Thank you so much for all your support, I really do hope others as well as yourselves still post messages on here, they really do help me alot. If anyone would rather email me instead of post things on here that would be great. My email address is [removed] and if one of you wouldn't mind a bit of correspondence in this matter with me, I would truly love that.

Again thank you all so much, I will be checking back on this board daily, hopefully to read more helpful and even inspiring (to some extent) messages. Your prayers and thoughts are very special to me. It's just so harsh that cancer is around in this world. I would give my life in a heartbeat to have a cure, for cancer so it couldn't happen to anyone in the world. I honestly would.

Last edited by moderator2; 01-23-2004 at 09:48 PM.

 
Old 03-01-2004, 07:03 AM   #8
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sawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB User
Re: Not a Good Day.....

Pammyjune, I am so sorry that once diagnosed you had such a short with your dad. What type of cancer and treatment did your dad have?

 
Old 03-01-2004, 07:07 AM   #9
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Re: Not a Good Day.....

Taz, my brother continually had bronchitus and pnemonia for three years before being diagnosed. It wasn't caught until he was stage 3b. Now he is undergoing radiation and chemo. I plan to spend as much time with him as possible. When I went to see him yesterday, I wasn't sure what to say. You are so afraid for them. We had a nice visit and just being there was comforting for him. Just show your family how much you care, don't be afraid to cry if you need to or have someone cry on your shoulder. I am new to this disease and we've only known about it for a few weeks so I can't offer too much advice right now. God bless you and your family.

 
Old 03-01-2004, 08:25 AM   #10
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~TAZ~ HB User
Re: Not a Good Day.....

Dad passed away on February 12th. Spend as much time with anyone that has cancer that you are close to as possible. When it starts to go downhill, it's quick and nothing stops it.

I do have some serious respect to the cancer doctors in the world, amazing job you folks have.

Good Luck to all that have relatives with cancer or those who have cancer. My dad didn't give up and neither should any of you, there is always a chance and you have to fight. I personally believe it can be cured and it definitely can be stopped. I guess it was just his time to go, it's hard......


TAZ

 
Old 03-01-2004, 10:27 AM   #11
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hope1220 HB User
Re: Not a Good Day.....

So sorry for what you are going thru-- I can definitely relate-- I won't bore you (and the other oltimers here) with the long story but short story....

Mom (65 yo- but acted maybe 40ish) fought this lung cancer for 18 months the cancer would get better and shrink then grow twice the size for no apparent reason other than the chemo had stopped working-- on and on this went meanwhile my dad (60yo and everyone said looked 45), who was still active at the gym went 3x a week jogged, swam didn't smoke, he started having back pain and a problem urinating-- I thought probably a kidney stone - took him to the dr. and you could have knocked me over with a feather when the doctor said lung cancer. Every week my healthy as a horse father experienced something awful-- fractures because the cancer had spread to the bone, his kidneys stopped functioning he couldn't swallow on and on and on.. it was terrible. We found out my dad had LC on 2/14/03 and he passed away after many painful days and nights on 5/3/03 -yes not even 3 months later. After loosing my dad my mom's will to live was gone I lost her 5/19/03-- thankfully he passing appeared to be painless. My point is I KNOW how you feel and it is undescribable to anyone (even your closest friend) unless they have experienced it. People will tell you it gets easier-- I will let you know when-- so far it hasn't for me. I will keep you in my prayers and I don't post much anymore-- after a yr I figure most have heard my sad sob stories, but I come here often to ck on everyone- and I have read your posts and hope you get some peace by knowing that we are pulling for you. Love, Hope B. Memphis, Tn

 
Old 03-01-2004, 11:18 AM   #12
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mephoto HB User
Re: Not a Good Day.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~TAZ~
Dad passed away on February 12th. Spend as much time with anyone that has cancer that you are close to as possible. When it starts to go downhill, it's quick and nothing stops it.

I do have some serious respect to the cancer doctors in the world, amazing job you folks have.

Good Luck to all that have relatives with cancer or those who have cancer. My dad didn't give up and neither should any of you, there is always a chance and you have to fight. I personally believe it can be cured and it definitely can be stopped. I guess it was just his time to go, it's hard......


TAZ
TAZ,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can relate to what you are going through also, my dad passed away this past Thanksgiving morning in our arms. It was and still is the most difficult thing I've ever experienced in my life. Just remember the good times and keep the memories happy. As long as you have the memories he will live on in your heart forever! I don't know if it ever gets easier, so far for me it hasn't, I replay the last days with him over and over and over again. I miss him soooooo much, his face, his smile, his voice. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Just take it one day at a time.
K.

 
Old 03-01-2004, 08:09 PM   #13
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farawaydaughter HB User
Re: Not a Good Day.....

Taz, I'm sorry about your loss. My mom passed away Feb 9. As you said, when your loved one starts to go downhill, it goes so amazingly fast, appreciate the good times you are able to get during this horrible disease. Like Medphoto said, I too replay those last 3 days with my mom, over and over and over again in my head. And I'm not sure why.

I pray that we all find a peace in our positive memories and those are what will get us through our days.

God Bless Us All.

Cathy

 
Old 03-02-2004, 11:36 AM   #14
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sawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB User
Re: Not a Good Day.....

Taz, I'll pray for you and your family. My brother was given 1 to 5 years with Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer Stage IIIB. You said your father had stage III. It is so elusive - trying to determine how long you have and what you should be preparing for. It didn't hit home with me until I saw my brother. Talking to him on the phone didn't show what he was truly feeling. You always pray that maybe your family member will bet the cancer and go into remission. I guess I should do some research because I'm not sure if this type of cancer can go into remission.

I appreciate you sharing your story as it makes clear to me that I need to SEE my brother - not just talk to him on the phone. He needs me and all of us right now. Thank you and God bless.

 
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