lost my dad :( - Cancer: Lung Message Board

Sassybrat · 02-11-2004, 03:15 PM

well i have been a reg reader of this board since april of last year when i first found out my dad had lung cancer i've shared many tears with you all here but have never written to this board..
~heavy sigh~ my dad got diagnosied with lung cancer last april 19th..when he found out it had already spread to his liver..before he was diagnosised he had started stumbling loosing sensation in his hands and legs so around the same time he was in a wheelchair..which that in itself broke my heart seeing the man who was always so invinisble and strong in my life suddenly totally dependant on my mom..so he starts chemo had a few rounds then it was at a contained stage where it hadnt grown or spread so they stopped chemo for a few weeks to let him rest..then it grows doubling in size in his lungs and liver..so they start stronger treatments a big dose once a mth and a small dose every week along with procrit and since he was losing blood and his hemogobin kept going down by now he was usually in the hospital getting 3-4 units of blood every couple of weeks...he stopped eatting a couple mths ago and since he was also diabetic he went into a coma his blood sugar went down to 17...so we rushed him to the er and they gave him a shot they was gunna let him come home and then retested him found out he was in renal failure...done a couple things of dialysis....he done well for a little while long...no complaining of pain nowhere ever...then his leg started constantly bothering him that was the only place he complained of pain...but where he was always in his wheelchair his mucles was drawing in his leg making it hard to lay straight ya know?...he starts turning yellow again so we know 1 his blood was going down and 2 his liver was messing up again..so off to the dr he goes to have an xray and we find out his liver is totally shut down..his kidneys are failing again...
he stopped eatting maybe a bite everyday of jello or something...and for the first time since this all started he started to vomit and we noticed he was a deeper color of yellow and out of the corner of his eye (which was scary to look at in direct light where they was so yellow and bloodshot) he had some bleeding ..next day his nose starts bleeding (never done that before) and we notice a place on his head ..by now he was hurting so bad cause of his leg and stomach he basically got up and went back to bed each day...the last day he wanted to go to the hospital cause he was in so much discomfort...(and we been though this so many times by now i guess i let myself get lulled into a sense of ok hes going to get some blood maybe have to do dialysis for his kidneys and then hes gunna come home and be ok for a few more weeks) about an hr after they left mom called and i figured she would be telling me that they was keeping him but they was doing a chest xray and he told them to turn him over he was gunna be sick and he just died...they said his potassium got so high it stopped his heart...i have never hurt so much in my life then losing my dad...the hardest days of my life was those last few mths i spent there with him watching him hurt and suffer with this cancer...he didnt have any feelings in his leg or hands and they was always ice cold..and i tell you if i had the choice of bringing him back to the way he was or being without him ...i wouldnt bring him back to that pain and torture for anything...I miss him so much i dont know what to do without him or how to even look at the days ahead to think about upcoming holidays or just going back home to visit now...i know will never be the same without him...just want to say for those of you who are still going through this with your loved ones....love them everday and be thankful for each moment you have I wish i could have another minute with my daddy just to make sure he knows i love him so...I live 3 1/2 hrs from my mom and dad..and married but i couldn't rest here so i went to stay with them a week before thanksgiving i wouldnt trade a day of that time for all the money in this world...
i know this is long ...i just needed to sit down and vent and cry.....you all are in my prayers and thoughts daily......

Jaya21 · 02-11-2004, 03:33 PM

I have not lost my dad, but I too need to vent. Write as much as the computer allows you if it makes you feel better. I am brand new to this board.

God bless you and your family. (Whatever God you pray to)

Regards,
J

Sassybrat · 02-12-2004, 06:03 AM

Jaya thanks for replying it feels like forever has went by since jan 28th (the day he passed on) I just keep reliving each second wondering if i could have done something different to help him ...ya know?..mommy keeps teeling me we done all we could we kept him warm and comfortable and done everything he wanted to do..and I came when they needed me to be there and he knew that i loved him...that he aint in pain anymore and that he would want me to start living again ...that we are gunna have lots of bumps in the road that makes us cry and hurt for awhile but it will be ok it will get easier...some days i only cry half a million times others i will think i am gunna be ok then like yesterday i found pictures stuck above my computer i didnt even realize were there of him before he got sick and got a package from my mom with his favorite cap and pins and his medical braclet he wore and watch so i had a cry fest...i'm gunna take his braclet and make a charm braclet out of it...find me a pretty charm to put on it..I cant complain about his care he got from the drs cause i thought he had a wonderful dr and the nurses there were all great to him and mom both ...the dr told mom the day he passed that if he hadnt passed that morning he would have in a couple days cause his blood platlets had started breaking down thats why the corner of his eye and nose and that place on his head was showing up the blood vessels were breaking under his skin and he woulda bled to death in a couple days cause he had no clotting factors left by this time cause of his liver shutting down...I just dont understand why they havent found a cure for this out of all the money they use on research why why why??...i'm a member of the grid that does research over computers i make donations online to all sorts of charities i just get so upset and mad some days cant sleep at night for having nightmares...sheesh just driving by his favorite places to eat or seeing the tv shows he used to love to watch breaks my heart ...a lady from church said she was going to bring me a copy of a book that hospice gave her family a couple yrs ago when she lost her dad called final gifts ...well i guess i have wrote enough this morning going to go compose myself again....hope things are well on your end believe me i know the emotions you are having ~sends you a warm loving hug and comfort~

mephoto · 02-12-2004, 06:40 AM

Hi Sassy,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I would love to tell you that it gets easier as time passes but I cannot do that. The more time that goes by the more I miss my dad. (passed on Thanksgiving morning). The holidays are difficult, obviously Thanksgiving was tough, two weeks after that would have been his 61st birthday, then Christmas, and on Feb. 4th would have been my mom and dad's 37th wedding anniversary. It's tough. Something that helps me get through it are the memories, the photographs, take them out, remember the fun, remember that your dad is not in pain anymore and he is in a special place in heaven now. He is with you everyday, he watches over you everyday, he will be your guardian angel for the rest of your life. When I hear a certain song on the radio that reminds me of him, I smile, it brings me comfort knowing that he is with me, just in a different way now.

Keep your chin up, you'll be OK, and remember we are all here for you anytime you need to talk. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!
K.

Jaya21 · 02-12-2004, 12:53 PM

Your are quite welcome, please take care.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sassybrat

Jaya thanks for replying it feels like forever has went by since jan 28th (the day he passed on) I just keep reliving each second wondering if i could have done something different to help him ...ya know?..mommy keeps teeling me we done all we could we kept him warm and comfortable and done everything he wanted to do..and I came when they needed me to be there and he knew that i loved him...that he aint in pain anymore and that he would want me to start living again ...that we are gunna have lots of bumps in the road that makes us cry and hurt for awhile but it will be ok it will get easier...some days i only cry half a million times others i will think i am gunna be ok then like yesterday i found pictures stuck above my computer i didnt even realize were there of him before he got sick and got a package from my mom with his favorite cap and pins and his medical braclet he wore and watch so i had a cry fest...i'm gunna take his braclet and make a charm braclet out of it...find me a pretty charm to put on it..I cant complain about his care he got from the drs cause i thought he had a wonderful dr and the nurses there were all great to him and mom both ...the dr told mom the day he passed that if he hadnt passed that morning he would have in a couple days cause his blood platlets had started breaking down thats why the corner of his eye and nose and that place on his head was showing up the blood vessels were breaking under his skin and he woulda bled to death in a couple days cause he had no clotting factors left by this time cause of his liver shutting down...I just dont understand why they havent found a cure for this out of all the money they use on research why why why??...i'm a member of the grid that does research over computers i make donations online to all sorts of charities i just get so upset and mad some days cant sleep at night for having nightmares...sheesh just driving by his favorite places to eat or seeing the tv shows he used to love to watch breaks my heart ...a lady from church said she was going to bring me a copy of a book that hospice gave her family a couple yrs ago when she lost her dad called final gifts ...well i guess i have wrote enough this morning going to go compose myself again....hope things are well on your end believe me i know the emotions you are having ~sends you a warm loving hug and comfort~