I just wanted to check on the two of you and make sure you are ok. How are your hubbies? Scott (my husband) is sleeping a lot, most of the day unless I force him to get up. Of course, I am not sure if I shoud be pushing him or not, but I try to keep him going. He is also starting to have a lot of stiffeness and pain in his lower back. I have noticed, he does not lay on the couch anymore, which he loved to do. He now sits straight up in a chair, or lays flat down on the bed. Other than being able to read his body language and his eyes, I am never quite sure how he feels. He is not a man that will complain, or let you know if he is feeling bad. I wish he would!
Chemo is scheduled to begin again on April 13th. However, he is not sure if he wants to take anymore chemo therapy or not, teh accumulative affect is now starting to make him very ill. It has been 11 days since his last treatment, and he stll feels bad (nauseau, weak, tired, depressed appetite). His Mother and I have talked about this and agreed, if he does not want to take the chemo, we will not try to persuade him to do so. His Mother agrees, they have not bough him any quality of life, they have only prolonged his life-maybe that is their definition of quality.
I have to work today, I wil check back here later. I hope things are going well for you. Pleas remember to try not to dwell on teh diagnosis, be strong, enjoy you husband and time with him. And ALWAYS thank God for each day. I am not sure about either of you, this is my own personal thought. But, I found myself blaming God for Scott's illnes (mistake!) but then as I though about it, I thought HOW could I blame God? God did NOT give him this illness. God did give us free will, and with that feee will, Scott chose to smoke. From everything I understand about this type of cancer, it is directly realted to cigarette smoking.
hi renee.. thank you for the letter.. we go back to MPLS tommorrow again for a follow up then Wes. he starts radiation local. He continures to smoke, I find myself getting so angry, last night when I lye thier next to him and he was wheezing I came unglued.,.. I cried, telling him its like watching a slow motion semi hitting him and I cant get thier in time....AND THE MOMENTS turn to days... *sigh* I want to take the smokes away.. He is taking his vitamins, and we are staying up beat, he has said the liquid o2 seems to give him energy also the essiac tea. The B's/C's also seem to help.(tuff giving up Coke though..sugar) I find myself reminding myself to "change the things I can".. But this is such an all consuming disease, all awhile I try to bite my tongue, keep our home running,working 4 days away then back home...trying to stay a step ahead in the medical part of it,and living a somewhat 'normal' life...I know I am greiving, at him leaving one day, and angry that he wont stop smoking, I told him it is unfair to want me to sit and watch him disenagrate before my eyes, watching him smoke so much.(fueling abnormal cells) When the Dr. told him his tumor will return, and spread if he continues to smoke, since he is suseptable to this type of cancer.On one hand I know many never know that they only have so long to live, we have a "headsup" But its so hard...Latley I have modified a verse my mom use to say to me..."I will give thanks in ALL things .. for this is the will of Christ Jesus concerning..... MATTIE".. I put my name in thier, and for me, It reminds me who is really in control, in my life. Not that it makes it less painful. But it lifts the weight off my shoulders and brings me some peace inside. I read the many letters in here and I see the human spirit is strong,compassion is alive,and love is all around us. In conclusion, we all have free wills to choose and do as we wish, but along with those rights come consequences we dont always have control over....this consequence' will touch more than the life that chose to smoke, its ripple will be felt and is felt by many. I am looking into joining a local support group for me (he may go too) and also a place the cancer society mentioned to contact, Phone Buddies 18002982436. I have to remember to take care of me, (and not feel guilty) Just soooo many new emotions,questions, demands,frusrations,expectations,persona lities,physical demands to contend with I feel overwhelmed almost on a daily basis..It brings to mind a song by collective soul...."How far do I have to run??...THEN I'LL RUN"......... keep me close, your all prayed for daily........Hugz Mattie
I AM SO HAPPY, thankful, ..... and so baffled... he was to start radiation today, he even had the ink "plugs put in last week,with ct.scan accuracy.. to mark the spots to radiate... But yesterday the oncologist came in and said.. NO radiation, it is not needed... They took out what was cancerous, and now he needs to do another series of chemo?? I was shocked.. they had told us after surgery he was still at stage3b and he had residual cells... we where so distraught, since they had said if they couldnt get it all they would never continue and do surgery.....then on day3 while still in the hospital they had back reports and came in with that awful news..The oncologyst left the room yesterday to call the three other dr's were involved with, returning to say, he cancelled the radiation, and that we had been misinformed....he was now at stage IIIA... "cureable" he said. I was numb... Then the surgeon who did the surgery came in and said the same thing (not what he had said to us at the beginning of all this, nor what he had said when he was in the hospital, after he had performed the surgery). We then flew back home, I packed, and headed out of town to get to work, I still sit here so puzzled, Im hearing so many different stories, and again Im fearful we will make the wrong choice, ... If we wait and he really needed radiation??? Will this next chemo series wipe it out... is this common?? He is still on allot of oxicotin and oxicodiene..and nausea meds along with neurontin for nerve pain. He takes his vitamins also, and trys to not use sugar. All the stuff we have learned from books people have suggested in here...Both doctors did remind him he has to stop smoking... My question is.. is this common to go from IIIB to IIIA with surgery? He still sleeps allot, uses a cane, probly due to all the meds...Do I have reason to wonder, why the sudden change in staging? after 6 months at IIIB?? The Dr. said all that showed was a few active cells in the frozen slices of the tumor and in one lyhmph node (of 8 taken out), But since thier was some still active he needs one more round of chemo to kill any seeds, and then return in 3 months for a ct scan. Anyone have any insight? Mattie
Mattie- I am so happy for you both, that is wonderful news. YES, misdignoses happen all of the time. They find out quite often that it was not as bad as they originally thought. Keep praying, and keep putting your trust in God. God will always lead you to always make the right decisions. Don;t worry dear, just believe!
I was so happy to hear your news, you have no idea! It makes me feel hopeful! Give your hubby a big hug and tell him to keep up the good work!
Keep me posted of his road to recovery.
Renee... How are you holding up? And how is Scott? I know from just in the last six months what a "test" this can be...Some days I had no words to mumble, just silent weeping... I think of you often, and Scotts mother, I wish I had a majic wand...or the majic words...I do pray for strength for you, scott, and his mother and the others in your lives. And that God will give wisdom and insight to those influencing/directing his and your choices ahead. Has he decided to do the chemo? Clint is not looking forward to the chemo again, he is still so weak from the surgery. He requires a large amount of pain meds to be able to be up and about, and that is short lived,eating remains an issue but the Dr's have assured us to give it time, his surgery was March 1st. He has yet to achive being pain free, and he is in and out of a 'fog',(I miss him) but till he is almost pain free they will keep him on the meds. We just purchased a cd on positive imagary (sp)it is soothing, and also helps him to see the body working to heal itself, fighting the cancer. I would like to suggest a movie (vhs) that fills me with a sense of peacefullness when I struggle to calm myself, and I feel my heart racing and agitation building... It is called "In his Presence" I purchased it a few years ago from readers digest, and it has had its use from me, and several in my family in times of restless uncertainty. It quotes a few simple promises from the bible combined with soft, gentle music,soothing rainfall and breathtaking scenery.....sometimes it has lulled me to sleep. Its a good addition to have on hand in times like these.
Please do let me know how things are going for you and yours. I will keep you close. Hugz Mattie
Hi Mattie- Just wanted to send you a quick update, and tell you hello. And, I am still praying for Clint to have 100% recovery. As for Scott, he has made up his mind, he will not be takig any further chemo therapy. As of yet, the Doctors are not aware of his decision. We will be going to the Doctors office Tuesday, he will tell them then. Also, I am going to ask them to be 100% honest with me. I am so afraid of his decision, but if death is innevidible (spelling?), I can not blame him. He is just now starting to feel somewhat "normal" since the last round, and it has been 16 days. His Mother understands his decision as well, but shares the same fears as I have. Scott still refuses to accept/believe that he has cancer.
He and I discussed the results of his latest CT scans (scans were about a month ago). The scans showed a decrease in the cancer in the lung and liver. However, it showed an increase in his thoracic spine (T12 to be specific). When I mentioned this, he said "oh honey, that is not cancer, it is just arthritis that was caused by the hip replacement". His back hurts him so bad, sometimes he can barely get up after he has been in bed for a while. I have a hard time believing that is just arthritis. I do hope he is right!
All I can do now is PRAY PRAY and then PRAY some more! At this point, I feel like I should turn my prayers to a request for a peaceful death, rather than healing. But, my heart says "don't give up".... I am not sure what to ask for anymore, I am just so confused, angry, depress.. you know the emotions all to well, I know you understand.
If you have any good advice, I am open to suggestions.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Again, I REALLY hope Clint stays on his road to healing, keep me posted on his condition. I will let you knwo what happens at the Oncologist's office Tuesday, and what the final decision is concerning Scott's treatment.
Renee... I am sorry, I DO know your pain, and struggle inside of wishing it to be peaceful, then feel guilty to even comtemplate not "singing" hope all the time. So many emotions, at times so overwhelming I was lucky to get through a entire sentance without looosing my train of thought (depression).
How did it go at the Dr's. ? Did they tell you all you needed to know? How is his pain?
Clint is smoking 3 packs a day again, wheezing, coughing, he is still taking allot of pain meds... even though the dr. told him to start "weening" himself.. he first told me, he was back to having to much pain to cut back, then said.. honey I dont want to come back and deal with all this..*shrugs* I again felt that hollow sadness of knowing I cant make him stop smoking,(he dosent want to) and I may never have him back mentally either.. as it use to be......
This past weekend, I sat in a smoke filled room spending time next to him,(like always) as he drank his healthy vitamin juices, and watching TV.. puffing away, then stroll occassionaly into the kitchen to refill his coke wallking with his cane stouped over.... all awhile thinking, where is this runnawaytrain' going? I felt angry, resentful bitter,I wanted to get in the car and leave, so I didnt have to watch anymore. Some days I feel trapped. I dont do anything anymore either, so when I am home from work Im thier for him (since I work 3 days outta town). But at times I hate having to go home, knowing its to the same helpless feelings, the smoke filled house ( what started and contributed to this nightmare)!!...
Im sorry, I wanted to check on you and here I go blabbing about me. Renee, I dont think thier is any answer to this process... no rhyme or reason. I would wonder to if it is ca in your husbands spine causing the pain...I know for me I fear that it will have spread, and I wont know or see the symptoms and miss getting him what he needs to have more time,or treatments.
Clint will start chemo after my son gets married April 24th. Please do keep in touch, I havent been on here for awhile do to working more over time to keep up. I understand how Clint feels, I do.. but I cant help but want him to fight to be able to live longer. I am frightened of what "my" world will be like without him. Does this desease do this to all of us.. so when the time does come we have worked through many feelings... and are more at peace to let them go??? Hugz Mattie