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Old 06-05-2004, 08:42 PM   #1
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Smiles78 HB User
Worried....

Having a difficult time dealing with my mom who is 53 yrs old - chronic smoker forever at least 30 plus years. My sisters 30, 28, 21 and me 26 are at our wits end. I know my mom has to do what she wants but its getting very difficult to be around her - we ve talked to her in the past about quitting smoking so she could see her grandchildren grow up or see my younger sister and I get married - with no luck - she took it as a personal attack and shut down - "Her house - do what I want" kinda thing - needless to say the grandkids do not come over - small house - stuffy - she wont smoke in her new car - but will smoke in her house while my dad my younger sister and I live here. I have developed allergies and eye slime - she says the smoke doesnt travel downstairs - hahhahaha - please.

Anyways - lately - shes put on alot of weight (looks red and swollen - bright red hands)- eats after midnight - has high blood pressure -and you cant even talk to her without her coughing up gunk every few seconds - which shell blame on a "tickle" or a perfume smell - allergies - or some annyoing excuse - I cant even talk to her anymore - She wont go to the dr - she sees her regular dr - who does nothing - hasnt been to the woman dr since my 21 yr old sister was born - its a mess - not to mention she vacumes 8 times a day - when the house is spotless - vacumes the same thing over and over again - not leaving the house - not visiting her grandkids - my older sister just had her second baby 2 weeks ago (other son is 2 ys) - has only been over the house 1 time and lives only 20 min away - would rather stay home and vacume and iron curtians that were cleaned only a month ago - sitting in her kitchen watching Lifetime TV - god for bid you interupt her show.
We have all tried - I am noticing I am disconnecting myself - I am mad and hurt - and she has been giving me the cold treatment and mad at me - when i havent done anything wrong - hasnt said a word to me in days and just threw a bag of clothes in my room and slammed the door - (clothes for good will ) my room is in the basement.She says she doesnt want to be a burden but she will only become one if she doesnt take care of herself -
I dont know what to do - we want to talk to her - but she shuts down - anyone have a similiar prob - sorry for long post needed to vent a little.

 
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Old 06-06-2004, 03:19 AM   #2
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Location: Kingston, On, Canada
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Mich4 HB User
Re: Worried....

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I know first hand how you feel. My mother was very similar. She smoked heavily for years and died just over a year ago at the age of 59 from lung cancer. I miss her so much. I'm not saying this to worry you, I just want you to hear my story.
I was very frustrated with my mom. She always complained about being sick but wouldn't quit smoking, and many times she was just looking for attention. It became the "boy who called wolf" scenario. Well, ,one day she didn't come to my boy's hockey games (she always did) and I thought she was just looking for attention. THis was the in the beginning of December. She only lived 5 minutes away from me so we talked regularly, but I noticed she wasn't coming over as much. She told me on the phone she had the flu and a bit of pleurisy. I called her everyday up until Christmas day. I kept telling her if she wasn't feeling better to go back to the doc. She wouldn't, said she was scared, etc. I would get angry and think it was just an attention ploy. Christmas day she showed up for dinner with her husband who had just finished cancer treatments himself six months prior. I couldn't believe the condition of my mother and this had taken place in just one month or so. She had lost weight, was visibly in pain and talking nonsence off and on. I immediately called my brother in Florida (26 hours away) to come home. I had begged my mom on Christmas day to let me take her to emergency, but she wouldn't go unless my brother was home. He drove the full 26 hours and I took my mom in by ambulance. It was lung and brain cancer, she lived until January 31st, 3 days after my birthday. My brother and i spent everyday with her. I still had to work and look after my family, but my brother would go over all day and take care of her ,I would go over in the evenings. I miss her. I feel guilty for not believing her this last time. I feel sad that she must have known she was dying and just couldn't face it. I'm angry that she didn't really tell me how bad it was, nor her husband. Her husband didn't see it though. It's hard to explain.
Anyway, if you can get past your frustration (which I understand) try to just enjoy your mom for who and what she is. How old are you? Maybe you could stay with a close relative who doesn't smoke. I can understand not wanting to be around that smoke, but it doesn't sound like she's going to give it up. My mom coughed and sputtered every morning terribly, but just couldn't quit.
Best wishes to you and I hope everything works out for you. My heart goes out to you.
Take care, Michelle
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Old 06-06-2004, 03:20 AM   #3
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Re: Worried....

Oops, sorry I just read you are 26. Again, take care.
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