Thanks Renee...I havent had time to log in in awhile...tOMORROW WE GO IN FOR ANOTHER SCAN, THEY FOUND A NEW SPOT ON THE RIGHT LUNG (THE ONE THAT HAD THE UPPER PART REMOVED) so we will see.. In the mean time... eatting is getting less desirable.fatigue is still an issue. But we are Laughing often. and like that new song he has adopted from TIM Mcgraw...Live like he was dying'..... Ive been a lil weary trying to keep up working 2 hours away 3-4 16's a week...otherwise we try to rest, laff,and make a memory every chance we can when we both have the energy to. Ill keep ya posted,..... Aug. 6th they tell us the updates, and new choices. Hugz.... Mattie How are you doing??
Mattie- It sounds like you and I are pretty much in the same boat. With Scott, they also found new spots, some significant. Currently, he is back on chemo and radiation. The 1st concern was getting his left lung open, it was completely blocked, and moving into the right. This treatment is strictly for comfort, as it has always been. I will list the new info below. Scott first heard the new Tim McGraw song last week on the way to radiation (I listen to country, he does not). He said "turn that up a little" and when it was over he simply said "good advice", with tears in his eyes. I am so sorry that you have to go so far away to work, I knwo it is very difficult for you, and tiring. I am glad that God is blessing you and Clint in spite of everything, and that the 2 of you are still making memories. That is what we have to do! I think of you often and continue to pray for the 2 of you.
New report, from July 12th, 2004
There is a 4.0x3.8 cm diameter lymph node located between the superior
vena cava and trachea that measured only 10x12 mm in diameter on the
previous CT scan. This lymph node has quadrupled in size since the last scan and could impinge on the superior vena cava restricting the return flow of blood from the upper half of the body, as well as compressing the trachea increasing breathing difficulty.
There are multiple new lymph nodes in the anterior mediastinum
(Anterior mediastinum is the area in the center of the chest, between the
lungs that contains heart and large blood vessels entering and leaving
the heart, trachea, esophagus and several lymph nodes). This mass is surrounding and decreasing the blood flow to the left lung as well as the blood flow returning to the heart from the left lung. Furthermore it is "clogging' the main airway supplying the left lung (left mainstem bronchus). This essentially means the right lung is doing most, if not all of the breathing.
There is a tiny pericardial effusion that is new. This means the sac which contains the heart and usually contains only a few drops of fluid has filled up with fluid. When severe enough this can limit the ability of the heart to expand properly.
There is a new mass in the left upper lung lobe
There is volume loss in the left lung and there are patchy
reticulondular opacities throughout the left lung that appear
essentially unchanged and remain suspicious for lympgangitic tumor
spread within the lung. The left lung can't hold as much air as is used to. The opacities means the cancer cells are traveling through the lymphatic sytem forming densities in addition to distince masses. This was already known based on the bulky mediastinal lymph nodes.
There is a metastasis to the rib that has eroded the rib causing a blood clot to form adjacent to the sac the lung is in. Rib # 6 is broken, metastasis in rib #4.
There is tumor metastases in the pelvic bones which are destructive and increasing in size.
pre-existing tumor nodules in the liver have doubled in size and new nodules have appeared.
There is small, approximately 1.5x1.3 cm diameter enhancing mass in the
left adrenal gland that is new and suspicious of metastasis lesion. The
right adrenal gland remains within normal limits. By enhancing they mean it takes up contrast dye which indicates increased blood flow, and likely indicates a tumor metastasis.
..... I am so so sorry... all I could do was cover my mouth and cry when I read your letter.....It breaks my heart.. I will be praying God gives you both the strength and the insight to endure this final journey together...while not allowing the grave sorrow to steal your prescious moments....
Clint had his scan done, now we await the results Aug.6th.. he has been so very tired, and shorter of breath, he no longer takes the vitamins...
I go in and out of being so angry... we have so much ahead we had planned to do... and Renee, I dont want to be here without him.......Thier will never be another 'him'..... I know I have no choice in what is in Gods plans, but it still angers me... to find someone I love so much, and have him snatched away to early....I got the gift of knowing what true love is.. and DAMMIT I want more, and longer.....I waited so very long to have it....is that being greedy when many never know unconditional love? Its as though we share the same "skin".....an extention of one another.....*hangs head*..... Its a bad day.....I am sorry, I feel YOUR hurt, your pain... I morn with you....I dont want him to leave here...as you with Scott.... It is the longest goodbye I will ever live through....and the utmost painful. I will keep you close....Mattie
Hi Mattie- I am crying with you sweetie. I do not think it is selfish of us to wish Scott and Clint could be with us longer. I do not understand it, it is so unfair. Not only is it unfair for us, but mostly for them. I can not imagine the thoughts they must be having, and the fears. I know they share thoughts with us, but I believe they have a lot of thoughts/fears that they keep all to themselves. I am like you, I just DO NOT want to be here without Scott. He is my reason for everything I do. He is my soulmate, my best friend, my strength and weakness. But like you, I know I will have to let him go. When the day does come that Scott passes on to be with our heavenly father... I know that Heaven, Scott and the Lord will await my arrival, and cancer will NOT take that from me. The promise of heaven will be the only strength I have to continue. Scott apologized to me, because he has cancer. And he apologized to me because he knows he will have to leave me. That broke my heart! Like you said, it is a long goodbye, and a very painful one.
You and I are very blessed. We have been blessed with "true love". My heart aches even more when I think of all of the people who will never know a love like that. Everyone tells me "Oh, you are only 32, you can start over". I bite my tongue, because that comment makes me very angry. It is said as though, because I am only 32, it is no big deal, I can just find someone else. Scott is the only true love I have ever known. I met him when I was 19, and I knew he was the ONE.. ONLY ONE! Before ever speaking to him, I told my friend "I am going to marry him". She thought I was crazy, but I really did know it. And I did, 9 years later. From the very 1st day I saw him, we were the very best of friends, we could not be seperated. I will never find another like him, I won't even try. The way I see it is, if I can't have him, I do not want anyone. God gave him to me, he was a gift. And now, cancer is taking him away (not God). I was blessed with the time I did have with him, and I continue to be blessed with him, despite of this horrible disease. He may not be able to hold me, or walk with me, or go places with me. But, the look in his eyes still says "I love you". And, I still feel his love. Because like you and Clint, Scott and I are connected, we are as one. I can feel him, and he can feel me. I experienced more love in 13 years than most people will experience in a lifetime. I want to treasure it, not try to replace it. I will pour my energy into God's work. I have 2 beautiful nieces (1 and 2 yrs old) whom I will help raise.
You hang in there. Make as many precious memories with your sweet hubby as you can. As you know, every day TRULY is a blessing. I continue to pray for the 2 of you.
thank you Robin..... Renee.. I as you feel the same way... I will look no more.. I had the very best...I am content...I will focus on my grandson and others.....and I will now have a different perception of my own death, no longer will I fear it.. Clint was chosen to be the brave one and go before me,.. it will be a reunion, when the times comes I will await him to come for me (as in the book) And shame on that person to speak so shallow of the value of life... *shaken her head* I hope Scott will not suffer and be miserable... I hope he wont fight for breath ( a fear we all share)...God bless... Mattie