Coping through the days---through the holidays - Cancer: Lung Message Board

Tjr123 · 12-21-2004, 09:25 AM

Wondering how everyone is coping over the holidays. My brother in law passed away in August from having lung cancer and from the day he was diagnosed to the day he died, he only live about 7 weeks. It was all very shocking and sudden and my sister in law is still in shock (my husbands sister). We are very close and wish I could help her more. The sudden loss has been devestating and she has not even come to terms with the fact that he is gone. She is constantly telling me that she dreams he is only away on business. We are not religious and don't plan to be, but please offer suggestions of how to help her cope through the holidays and really through each and every day. She struggles with herself, mentally, physically and financially ....

renee_ky · 12-21-2004, 09:35 AM

The Holidays are very difficult, probably the hardest point that I have personally come to in this horrible journey called grief. Unfortunately, she has to grieve her way and in her own time. For me, there is not anything anyone can do, excpet just be there. It is just something we have to get through on our own. It is good to continue to be there to support her, but she will have to do it her way, that is the only way. I have learned, the dreams that she is having is not uncommon, it is part of the denial stage.

I wish your family the best through this Holiday season. Just be patient with her, and let her go through this however she needs to, and just be there to pick her up when she needs it.

Others may have better advice. But, this is my personal opinion, being a widow. As bad as it sounds, I think we just don't want to feel good right now, because it hurts too bad to get through all of the "firsts" without our loved ones here with us.

Renee

Tjr123 · 01-07-2005, 02:09 PM

It has been a couple of weeks since I last wrote. Thanks Renee for your advice. That is what I have been trying to do.. just be there for her. The hard part for her is that not a lot of people call because I don't think they really know what to say or do when she gets upset/emotional. They change the subject which makes her feels worse. What should I say to her when she is crying??
She is not coping well and hardly sleeps. She misses him very much and can hardly go through each day. I call her everyday to see how she is feeling. Christmas was hard. She was crying through dinner. I told her to do what she felt was best for her. Her mother was pressuring her to eat with us and I told her if she didn't want to, is wasn't a big deal. Her mother isn't so great about everything. It is hard for her not to have that support from her. The thing I am having the hardest time with.. is that financially she is very bad. She lives in subsidized housing and is spending money that she is getting from the government from her husband government retirement saving plan...she spends it like water. In a month it will be gone and she will hardly be able to afford to live where she is. I know if I say something she will be upset so I can not. I have talked to my husband and he told his parents so that maybe they would do something...They have not. On top of that, she wants to get a dog. In a way I think it would be a good companion but she has an old cat and training a dog is hard work, as well as the obvious--additional money will be needed which she doesn't have. I don't really know what to do. I know I shouldnt worry about these things, but I am worried about her not thinking properly about this stuff.

shadowrose40 · 01-14-2005, 06:50 AM

HI

She needs to talk- and to be upset. One of the worst things people do in their effort to 'help' is to cut off the person that is grieving. Needing to talk is normal- and she needs it to heal. People are so afraid of grief. Of death. They think it's better to just not talk about it or think about it. But that simply isn't true. She needs people who will listen to her. Let her rant and rave. Eventually, she will start to heal.

Good luck