Trying to cope - Cancer: Lung Message Board

copinginky · 02-10-2005, 10:11 AM

Hi, new to the site, recently and suddenly lost my dad to small cell lung cancer. He went into the hospital on a Wednesday and died the next Thursday. He has been gone a week today. Any suggestions on how someone gets through not only a loss like this but one so sudden? He showed many symptoms throughout the year but refused to go to the doctor, he hadn't been to the doctor since 1964! When they found the cancer, it was in his liver, lungs, adrenal glands, brain and possible bones. He was diagnosed on Sunday, drifted into a comma and died on Thursday. For him I am happy that he didn't suffer, but that doesn't leave my heart with any comfort or my mom with any comfort and support.. just need someone who has experienced a loss of this type of someone who is going through an experience like this to write back. Thanks Heather

The_Rose · 02-10-2005, 11:14 AM

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Hi Heather .....sorry for your loss. I lost a loved one last year and the suffering he had to endure before dying is just unbeleivable .....six months of pure hell. Since I was not the #1 caregiver I could not get involved too much with the doctors. I've seen people suffer but this was the worst case. He died weighing 50 pounds and they did not manage his pain which for me is the worst thing that a human has to endure.
Now my Mom is slowly dying from the same cancer. The only thing I'am praying for is that she doesn'T have pain. I'am hurt and angry but I have to remember the most important thing is not ..ME....it's my mother's pain. I know when she'll be gone I will be so lost .....I'am 40 yrs old and my house was attached to my parent's house so I will be living the seperation that usually happens at age 18 + the grief of not having her near me......I'll miss her I know. She has been my friend ,my confident .....
At this point her pain is managable with codeine ...and she blames her weight loss to her heart condition (lost 45 pounds) Oh I forgot to tell u she is in complete denial ......it's as she did not hear anything about the lung cancer.
Again this is so hard because I know that her hours are counted but she doesn't have a clue. Her doctor told me that it's the best thing that could happen to her and he respects her denial. You can just imagine that I hide my pain and again I have to forget myself and think of her welfare only.......
So, I'am grieving, I have to keep my usual happy and joking personality and it's so so hard .....but for her sake I can't think of myself for now and I know that after she will be gone I will go get help ...it can't be healthy psychologically to act and behave the complete opposite of how I feel ...
I can't encourage you too much except to say try to remember we all have to go and if your Dad went so fast it's a blessing for him ....and think about how he would want your Mom and yourself to go on ........he would want u to enjoy life ......
maybe if u find a group where u can talk about your grief .......
bless u and ur Mom

tangirl · 02-10-2005, 12:26 PM

Hi Heather,
I'm so sorry for your loss. My middle brother passed away in September 2004 from non small-cell lung cancer. His case was so mystifying because he was not a smoker and was in good health - and the doctors have no idea how he got this terrible disease. I spent the last week of his life with him (he was discharged to hospice care out of his home), helping his wife as another caregiver (my husband and sister were with us as well). Taking care of my dying brother was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life, and I thank God for giving me the strength to stay strong.

The first few months after he died I was a complete wreck. My advice is to let yourself go through this grieving process, whatever it happens to be for you - everyone reacts to this type of situation in their own way. I was going through life as a robot, working by day and even able to talk about what happened to coworkers in a calm, non-emotional way, and then I became a crying mess once I got home from work.

It has been six months since his death now, and I am starting to feel better. I am able to smile at the memories, and he even came to see me in a dream and was completely healthy and happy in Heaven - that was great to see! And yes, I believe that the deceased can and do visit you in your dreams.

In summary, just let yourself go through the grieving process, because it's going to hurt for a long time. Don't think you're crazy because you think about him every minute of the day, and play through the weeks, days, etc. leading up to his death. One of my best girlfriends had lost her father several years ago, so it was helpful to talk to her about what I was going through. I felt like she was the only one who could understand besides my parents and siblings. If you start to lose hope, get some help! Find yourself a counselor, a support group, a good friend/neighbor, etc. Keep your head up...eventually you will start to notice again how beautiful our life on Earth is, and you will get in and join life again!

copinginky · 02-11-2005, 03:39 PM

Hi tangirl and The_Rose,
Thank you for your replies, sometimes you feel so alone out in the world. I work for Hospice and even though I know people loose loved ones everyday! and I have supported those families that have lost loved ones! When it is your own family member, you feel that you are the only one that has those feelings. I know it will take time but with support from family and friends I will make it through. Do you know of any way that I can become active in cancer research etc. Let me know.

Lloyd · 02-11-2005, 09:38 PM

That happened to us in aslightly different way and now we are going through it again. I'm sorry.
In a way your dad was lucky he went so fast after his diagnosis, my father had nearly two years of treatments before it spread and he was really worn out, though he fought ALMOST to the end.
Now its my mother in law.
Fgihting the disease by helping pay for reasearch, being involved with other sufferers and their families helps, the grief groups help. A personal memorial family project might ease the pain too- we are working on that through our church. He was born in that church and served all his life in some capacity there.
Talk about him, cherish the memories. People understand and if they don't .....eventually they will.