eva1964

Krisy, I am so sorry for your lost, I will be facing this soon with my father, I get angry sometimes, he has been such a great man, my mother has always been so resentful, angry, and cold. I just got yelled at because I couldnt find a phone number in the book fast enough and she grabs the phone out of my hand and said let me do it, flash back from child hood, never good enough , always being told how much of a ---- up I have been, My dad turned to alcohol to escape her abuse and no matter what I will always be here for her, She is cold hearted and doesnt forgive anyone for any thing they have done, though she says she does, well her father was the same way and when her mother died he became bitter, and disowned the family and I can remember as a child listening in on his phone calls to her, and she has repeated the cycle to all of her four daughters, Daddy is so afraid we will do that to her, and I said daddy I never will, she will be the one that shuts all of us out, She last spoke to her father in the early 70's she was 40, he was on his death bed and the hospital contacted one of my sisters, and we contacted her and I said mom you must come and make ammends, and she said I burried my dad years ago and hung up on me,. I never had even seen my grandfather, this quarrel started before my birth, but I went to hospital where he was at and he was in a coma but I let him know who I was and that I was with him. She resented me for that, now she has a brother passed away and one still living and written him off years ago because he left the priesthood and married. My dads last wish is to try and get them to make peace, and he feels he has to do it. And I told him that was not his cross to bare. Your soul is free and you are at peace with God, that is moms cross to carry and let it go. Oh I am venting sorry to all of you, wrapped up in my own frustration. But my father cries and says honey dont get mad at her and I say it isnt anger dad its pain. I find myself in her home at 38 years old and afraid if I dont make the bed right, or what ever she will jump on me and she does. She gripes about everything and I finally told her gripe about anything but when it comes to dads needs you keep your mouth shut, he needs no guilt for his illness or whatever time it takes for us to bathe him or whatever he needs you gripe out of this house, lay no guilt for this , the other day while he was sleeping she was yelling about not having no room in this house cause of all this **** in the house. meaning walker, wheelchair port a toilet an so on. She has a big house but the dern thing is full of her ****, Dad aint never had room for his stuff. I came so close to saying well he will be dead soon and you can have the whole damn house by yourself. But I bit my lip till I thought it was gonna blead. Well I have to vent or I am gonna take a broom and knock her flying, believe me she has done it to me. And then not giving him his pain meds cause if he stays on that **** he will just die, well he is dying, and thats why he is in pain, right we all on this board know that. I thought well okay then, one day when your in his shoes I will remember this and deny you your meds and make you suffer, cause pay back is hell. Oh anger has taken over my heart, please pray for me Thank you for everyone listening. I am sorry but I am about to go nuts. If she wasnt here it would be so much easier. God Bless all of you and I am sorry for being self centered this morning, please forgive me.