Went to the cemetery. - Cancer: Lung Message Board

04-25-2003, 07:58 PM

This was the first time going alone. I really think I can talk to Danny and Gene without going to the graves but Danny used to visit his parents a lot so I know what it means to him. My brother's girlfriend already had the headstone on his grave. She got him to put his bank accounts in her name so as soon as she got the death certificate, she got the money. I on the other hand had to wait for insurance before I could pay for the headstone. She NEVER told me it was there and I totally lost it the minute I saw it. I saw flowers in the vase on Gene's grave and on Danny's parents graves and poor Danny had nothing but dirt. I took some flowers and buried the stems to keep them from blowing off and I sat there and cried. I have pretty much been crying ever since. I have lurked here pretty much not able to respond. I'm so mad at life for taking Danny from me. I'm mad at Ford Motor Co. for filling his lungs with asbestos, I'm mad at the cigarette companys for making it 'Cool' to smoke, I'm mad at the doctors for not catching it sooner. I'm mad at myself for not appreciating what I had, and for not being stronger. I'm mad at Gene for dying just when I need him the most. I'm mad at Danny too. For leaving me alone.
I'm sorry...Now I'm mad for sounding so stupid.

NancyEllen · 04-25-2003, 09:06 PM

I sit here and try to type something that will help you feel better and I feel like I can't say anything to help. I, too, read the messages and find it hard to respond. Anger is part of loss. It actually is a normal feeling and a good thing. It makes you move on however long it takes. I wish I could be more help. I hope you feel a little bit better tomorrow.

Nancy

krissykjw · 04-25-2003, 09:44 PM

Cheryl, I'm sorry about your brothers girlfriend's thoughtless acts. I hope you at least feel a little better or relief from blowing off some steam. Your posts have really helped me and they have been very informative. They have helped me to understand why I feel the way I feel. I know I didn't lose a spouse but I did spend about 4 Hours a day with aunt Katie for the last 31/2 years. I kind of feel lost now and am very sleepless. The extreme business has just stopped so abruptly. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go on. You are in my Prayers!!! You can vent any time, I know I am listening. Take care. Krissy

ann203 · 04-26-2003, 01:59 AM

Cheryl, you sound off as much as you like, you need to get all this anger off your chest. It's all part of the healing process. After the initial shock of losing a loved one, anger always sets in, and yes, we even get angry with the loved one we have lost because they have left us. It's only natural, so you sound off to your hearts content. Soon the anger will go, and you will begin to accept what has happened. You'll always love and miss Danny, there's no denying that, but you will slowly come to terms with what has happened and there will come a time when you can look back without all this pain in your heart. The pain does get easier, I promise you. God bless you Cheryl, and Danny too. You have helped so many people on this board with your kind words, and I just wish that we could help take your pain away. I feel as if I know you personally now, and it hurts me to think of you feeling this way. I pray for the day when I log on and see that you have left a message to say that you are beginning to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel you are in. God bless and take care, Ann.

littletinkerbell · 04-26-2003, 08:03 AM

Cheryl
I feel for you your such a brave lady but we can't be brave all the time. Cheryl my mum is going through anger just now my dad has only been gone 5 weeks and she hates the world she has shut me her only child out won't answer the door or the phone she's so angry at losing her partner of 38 years life is do unfair I've lost my dad but feel I'm loosing my mum too. You don't know cheryl how many people you have helped here on this site you have explained so often how my mum must be feeling just by reading your post on how you feel so i can jusify my mums feelings. Your sister-in-law is such an insensitive person but you are not you are such a caring person with a lot to give and I thank you for being that person, you should be so proud of yourself because you know Danny will be thinking that of how you have coped and also all the great advice you have given. You mean a lot to the people on this site and I know I'm not alone in saying this so you hang on in there because we need you here we need your kind words to get us through yore such a special lady. My thoughts are with you Cheryl ...
Maggie....