msuria

I am so encouraged to read all of the bulletins on this board! Some of you are describing exactly what I am feeling now...guilt, pain, hurt, loss, grief, anxiety, stress, much sadness. I have never been through anything like this before with someone so close to me. My grandmother had ovarian cancer a few years ago, and she had a surgery and it was removed. Back in the fall she was diagnosed with lung, liver, and bone cancer. They told her that she could do chemo and live longer or just wait and let time take its toll on her and pass at anytime. It was unbeleivable to hear that, but I guess I did not take it too seriously that she would "ever" die. I tried to call her as much as I could, but I could have called her and gone to see her more. THat is my guilt coming on strong! she said over one month ago, that the cancer was contained and dr said it looked good. then a couple of weeks ago, she called and said it was back and i still did not see "death" close by. So, i put everything that "i" had to do above her, so much guilt. even 2 weeks ago, my husband and i fit her into our "busy Sat" schedule, and we barely stayed 1 hour before we ran off to the next place. So much guilt! I told her "I will call you tomorrow" and we will discuss when you can come over to have more time with us and lunch soon. Did I forget to call? YES! So much guilt! Last Sat, Dad told me that she had called him Friday, walked with him to the car from her apartments for elderly people, and he took her to his house so he could take care of her. Sat, she did not walk, eat, or drink, she slept all day long. I came over that night to my parent's house and held her hand while she slept and cried. Eventually we put her in bed and it took one hour to take off her clothes and get her into bed. She still had reflexes though. Sunday Dad called ambulance, she stayed in ER all day, I came up to hospital late Sun afternoon, held her hand and caressed her head the whole time I was there. Monday, she said my name and I told her "i love you" and she said "i love you" back to me. I flooded with tears then. I held her in the hospital bed, touched her, played with her hands, and did not want to leave. She was hallucinating i guess b/c of morphine drip. Monday before I came to hospital, dr came by, said nothing we can do, she had the most aggressive form of cancer around but she never told us that! He said, let's just make her comfortable and it is a matter of days or weeks. PAIN set in for me, so horrible to lose a loved one! So horrible to see them suffer! So horrible not to recognize their face, their body, and their life being taken before your very eyes! The pain is indescribable. Yesterday I got off work, spent all night until 10pm at hospital, then went home. Could not handle it anymore. She is not talking any longer, she is not gripping my hand, the color is all gone in her body, and she looks like a corpse laying on the bed, but the morphine is still dripping and she is still trying to breathe. I want to go see her today, but honestly, I am not strong enough to do so. she is all i can think about. I loved her so much. We had some hard times. Do you think she knows that she told me " i love you"? My sister said that it was a gift from God and very much a "god thing" that she told me that...the last couple of years of my relationship with grandmother had been really minimal b/c she was so negative and hard to be around. can anyone tell me how much longer she will suffer? she started to have fluid build up in her mouth now where she "gurgles" when she breathes. This pain is so unbearable. So like a nightmare! i wish i could just get her to talk to me one more time! but i know that it will not happen.