happy916

Hello.

I found this board last Friday while searching for Iressa updates. Its the first bit of relief I've felt in a while. Its strange but the comfort of strangers can do just the trick sometimes. =)

Well I guess after reading many of the posts and eight months of "silence" I'd just like to vent a little.

My dad was diagnosed with non-small cell squamous Stage IIIb lung cancer. He was a heavy smoker and drinker for over 40 years. (He'll turn 63 next month) I grew up loving my dad, but always wishing he would quit smoking and quit drinking. When my parents sat me down and told me the news, I wasn't surprised but I was in disbelief that so much crap could knock me upside the head and hit me harder than the last time. Don't get me wrong. I'm not under the impression that my life couldn't be worse or that there aren't some really things in my life. But Ive come to a point in my life where Ive finally learned that an unexpected worse is waiting out there.

Well back to my dad...doctors wouldn't say much as far as what to expect. Our 1st and 2nd opinions disagreed on what dosage to do the chemo and sequencing of the radiation. We chose to do full doses of chemo and radiation concurrently while also adding a vegetable juice to each meal, tons of vitamens, other herbal meds and a moderate dosage of prayers. He wasn't able to finish round of radiation because of a "mysterious" pneumonia. They didn't know what it was for almost 6 weeks. They just kept trying different drugs until finally he started to get better. We thought his days were numbered. All of the sudden he was able to breathe a bit easier, eat normally again (with the help of steroids), walk around eventually with no assistance and his hair drew back. My mother and I thought it was the Christian healer that had come to our house to prayer for my father. I swear my perspective and the pure joy of thinking that God had shown such mercy upon my dad and my family was made my body tremble. Doctor told us the cancer was gone. My prayers had come true and God was giving my dad a second chance.

Two weeks later, our doctor shattered us. It was a mistake. She misread the results of the pulmonary doctor. The cancer was still there. More of the lymph nodes were showing cancer. Not only had it not dissappeared but it was spreading. Correction...it is spreading quickly.

He's back at chemo. Doctor says not to cure...rather just to slow it down. Hopefully to add a few months to the few months she expects him to live. This time the chemo is a bit more daunting, possibly because the doctor has taken much hope that we had left.

At the present, I look back at the last few months. Its been more than difficult to watch my dad start to become such a small, helpless man. There have been so many worst parts...Watching him heave up 4 stairs...cleaning the pieces of his hair off the pillow...wondering if the pause in his endless coughs means that he has finally fallen asleep or something worse...being so scared but not being able to share it with family because the pain is just to overwhelming to let out...not being able to share it with friends because they got their own problems...imagining the fear of facing death.
Looking forward...I wonder will my dad make it past the first year (September)?...will my dad see his first grandchild in November (my sister is pregnant)...if my dad makes it past september, how will figure out a way to fund his treatment when our insurance expires? (mom lost her job a few months before we discovered the cancer)...will my dad go the hard way or the quiet way?...will a better life await him?

I know my story is in no way unique. People suffer. People die. Please tell me the good that I have to look forward to! I'm 23 years old. I'm very angry. Angry that I can't deal with all this. Angry that life has just become so cruel. Angry that I'm forced to live mine. (Dont worry I'm not suicidal.) Just overly frustrated.

Thanks for listening.

I sincerely pray that we will somehow be miraculousy relieved of our current sufferings.

Take care.