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Old 10-04-2005, 05:27 PM   #1
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Central Minnesota
Posts: 163
Lady_J_1_01 HB User
Its Back...

We found out yesterday Clint has a lymph under his arm and in the midsternum that is "Hot" on the PET scan...*deep sigh* Im numb....they want to send one more test to the Mayo, from their they want to do a brain scan. The dr feels he wouldnt benefit from radiation because it has "metastisized". And Chemo is if'y because if it is in the brain, chemo wont cross the blood brain barrier...
He has restarted vitamins,iseac tea, no sugar, apricot seeds and is determined to fight it...I know God is in the miracle buisness, and thats what its gonna take.
He had worked 1 month since this all began, and it wore him out. My gut told me something was wrong.. he moans and huffs with all movement...
As like everyone in here.. my heart is breaking...
I became angry, as the words "your cured" that the Dr's had said rang loud in my mind.. how unfair, when really it had only been in remission...
Now the "panic" is back, wanting to make each moment count, the feeling of impending doom lurking, trying hard to fight it...
Please add us to your prayer lists... Mattie

Old 10-04-2005, 07:13 PM   #2
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Evansville IN
Posts: 504
rockie HB User
Re: Its Back...

OH Mattie, my shoulder is here. It has been a while since I have been on...dealing with day-to-day episodes of depression, pain, hope, love, fear....
Bud went in and they told him that the chemo was coming to an it turned out he could not finish the last round. Was in bed for 4 days after the last treatment. The doctor...bless his heart for honesty, told him that there is 80-90% chance that it will recur...that nsclc has a bad habit of doing that.....from that day, I could tell that his whole perspective changed. Five months of chemo went down the to speak. I could read it in his eyes...."all of this...all of the needles, the pain, the fatigue, all...for nothing". How can you change someone's mind that has reached that point? I know that he has reached a level of remission, but I too Mattie, am expecting any day to go back for a physical....and hear the words "it's back". He knows it too. I cannot change what is happening to any of us, but know that we are walking with you and hang tough for him and yourself. Bud has already made me promise that I will not force him to undergo anymore treatments if he decides to not continue with them. I am not so sure I would not be the same way....

God walks with us when we don't see him, his presence is always near....try to see the sunshine a little bit every day, and breathe in the air.

Take care,

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Old 10-04-2005, 08:10 PM   #3
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Central Minnesota
Posts: 163
Lady_J_1_01 HB User
Re: Its Back...

Thank you Jan, I know you know inside how I feel, and the emotional rollercoaster Im strapped to...the littlest thing makes me fall apart and cry, one minute I want to be strong- unwaving and grab my pom-poms , the next i want to just hold him and beg him not to leave me (as if he can change it) Its such an awful terrifing feeling, waiting, watching..All awhile him trying not to wence or complain (being the man).
I work out of town so Im gone 3 days/4-5nights a week. I hate leaving him, but we have bills and "life goes on".....Tonight when he called, I wanted to freeze his voice in my head to always have his soothing deep tone and that laff that has always been my strength.
Thank you for sharing Jan, Clint just turned 55, his surgery was march 1,02part of his upper r lung removed.. and chemo ... he hasnt had one day since then, that he hasnt been in pain. He has been such a trooper. I am in awe of how even though he has suffered up to this day I can count on one hand the days he has been owlie.
How old is Bud? Did he have surgery to?? Mattie

Old 10-07-2005, 06:03 PM   #4
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Evansville IN
Posts: 504
rockie HB User
Re: Its Back...

HI there girl...been a few days. My baby is avoiding telling me about his chest pains....he always does, but I can tell from the gray pallor that takes over his complexion...that so...that pain exists. So, I pull out my "clown" self and rouse him to laughter and playfulness....I know our time is "measured". So does Bud. We do believe in miracles...on Oct 18th we celebrate our first anniversary.....Woohoo...<note to self: take out frozen cake>....this year has been such a hodge-podge of events. He got down on his knees the other day.....and professed his love...and thankfulness for all of the hours, days, weeks, months...that I have dedicated to his cause (like I would do any differently) ...and that he dedicates our second year of marriage to our "honeymoon" that we never had. You know Mattie, looking back, I would not have done anything different. We are what we are dealt with and we grow stronger by each life experience. Sometimes the unfairness of it all catches me unawares, but I remember that I am no different from anyone else. Truly, I have to say this. Thank you my God for sparing me the agony of seeing one of my children suffer from cancer. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would not have been able to handle it. Live your life to its fullest my dear friend, and know that we are here...anonymous faces on a white screen...but all share the same story...of love and frustration, hope and prayer, defeat and love and care and suffering and again....HOPE.

Try to have a good weekend...the weather here is really balmy...we are going to be moving to a new house in the next week or so....and it is going to be the last place either of us moves to.

Hugs and love to ALL of you...

Jan in So. IN

Last edited by rockie; 10-07-2005 at 06:05 PM.

Old 10-10-2005, 09:01 AM   #5
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 283
renee_ky HB Userrenee_ky HB User
Re: Its Back...

Mattie- I am soooo sorry! I prayed so hard that you would never go through this again. I wish I could take it away! I have not been on here much, but I will check on you. Please keep us posted.

Love, XoXo

Old 10-12-2005, 12:27 AM   #6
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Central Minnesota
Posts: 163
Lady_J_1_01 HB User
Re: Its Back...

Renee... thank you dear friend.. I will always keep you as a kindered spirit, because we walked the same road for a season....
Jan, I am happy in a sad way for you with your move to a new home...and all the emotions that toss us about daily. Clint has been coughing more and more. We go back on the 31st. To see what mayo has said, if any suggestions...We are back and forth between the denial stage and anger stage..One minute I want to yell STOP! and put life, work on hold and just be with him, and the next I want to work and be away from having to hear the moans, grunting, coughing,his olive skin tone going grey...,he has changed.. Somedays I want to watch from a distance, and get my barrings..*sigh*
I know many times he is here, but not...his mind is off wrestling with all the unanswered questions..
He said "well baby the boat is ready to purr for ya next year, think of me". I replied Ill be looking atcha driving silly...besides it is named "the best times" and we have many yet to go. Just those statements take me by surprise, little blips of goodbye, that damn near drop me to my knees....
Is this where I begin to bargin?... Ill trade everything for extra days with you....pleading, God if you'll only....Grasping, lets go to mexico.....
I close as always, Know I m praying for everyone in need....Gods grace to us....Mattie

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