We found out yesterday Clint has a lymph under his arm and in the midsternum that is "Hot" on the PET scan...*deep sigh* Im numb....they want to send one more test to the Mayo, from their they want to do a brain scan. The dr feels he wouldnt benefit from radiation because it has "metastisized". And Chemo is if'y because if it is in the brain, chemo wont cross the blood brain barrier...
He has restarted vitamins,iseac tea, no sugar, apricot seeds and is determined to fight it...I know God is in the miracle buisness, and thats what its gonna take.
He had worked 1 month since this all began, and it wore him out. My gut told me something was wrong.. he moans and huffs with all movement...
As like everyone in here.. my heart is breaking...
I became angry, as the words "your cured" that the Dr's had said rang loud in my mind.. how unfair, when really it had only been in remission...
Now the "panic" is back, wanting to make each moment count, the feeling of impending doom lurking, trying hard to fight it...
Please add us to your prayer lists... Mattie
OH Mattie, my shoulder is here. It has been a while since I have been on...dealing with day-to-day episodes of depression, pain, hope, love, fear....
Bud went in and they told him that the chemo was coming to an end...as it turned out he could not finish the last round. Was in bed for 4 days after the last treatment. The doctor...bless his heart for honesty, told him that there is 80-90% chance that it will recur...that nsclc has a bad habit of doing that.....from that day, I could tell that his whole perspective changed. Five months of chemo went down the drain...so to speak. I could read it in his eyes...."all of this...all of the needles, the pain, the fatigue, all...for nothing". How can you change someone's mind that has reached that point? I know that he has reached a level of remission, but I too Mattie, am expecting any day to go back for a physical....and hear the words "it's back". He knows it too. I cannot change what is happening to any of us, but know that we are walking with you and hang tough for him and yourself. Bud has already made me promise that I will not force him to undergo anymore treatments if he decides to not continue with them. I am not so sure I would not be the same way....
God walks with us when we don't see him, his presence is always near....try to see the sunshine a little bit every day, and breathe in the air.
Thank you Jan, I know you know inside how I feel, and the emotional rollercoaster Im strapped to...the littlest thing makes me fall apart and cry, one minute I want to be strong- unwaving and grab my pom-poms , the next i want to just hold him and beg him not to leave me (as if he can change it) Its such an awful terrifing feeling, waiting, watching..All awhile him trying not to wence or complain (being the man).
I work out of town so Im gone 3 days/4-5nights a week. I hate leaving him, but we have bills and "life goes on".....Tonight when he called, I wanted to freeze his voice in my head to always have his soothing deep tone and that laff that has always been my strength.
Thank you for sharing Jan, Clint just turned 55, his surgery was march 1,02part of his upper r lung removed.. and chemo ... he hasnt had one day since then, that he hasnt been in pain. He has been such a trooper. I am in awe of how even though he has suffered up to this day I can count on one hand the days he has been owlie.
How old is Bud? Did he have surgery to?? Mattie
HI there girl...been a few days. My baby is avoiding telling me about his chest pains....he always does, but I can tell from the gray pallor that takes over his complexion...that so...that pain exists. So, I pull out my "clown" self and rouse him to laughter and playfulness....I know our time is "measured". So does Bud. We do believe in miracles...on Oct 18th we celebrate our first anniversary.....Woohoo...<note to self: take out frozen cake>....this year has been such a hodge-podge of events. He got down on his knees the other day.....and professed his love...and thankfulness for all of the hours, days, weeks, months...that I have dedicated to his cause (like I would do any differently) ...and that he dedicates our second year of marriage to our "honeymoon" that we never had. You know Mattie, looking back, I would not have done anything different. We are what we are dealt with and we grow stronger by each life experience. Sometimes the unfairness of it all catches me unawares, but I remember that I am no different from anyone else. Truly, I have to say this. Thank you my God for sparing me the agony of seeing one of my children suffer from cancer. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would not have been able to handle it. Live your life to its fullest my dear friend, and know that we are here...anonymous faces on a white screen...but all share the same story...of love and frustration, hope and prayer, defeat and love and care and suffering and again....HOPE.
Try to have a good weekend...the weather here is really balmy...we are going to be moving to a new house in the next week or so....and it is going to be the last place either of us moves to.
Mattie- I am soooo sorry! I prayed so hard that you would never go through this again. I wish I could take it away! I have not been on here much, but I will check on you. Please keep us posted.
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