Hello to all, I sort of took last week off from posting to spend part of it working and part of it at my parents as both of my sisters came down for a visit. I say sort of took off as while I did not post I did read all of your posts everynight before I went to bed. I silently shared in all of the loss, heartbreaks and what seemed like such sad news in many cases so all of you were close to my heart all week and stayed there in my prayers.
I think I posted at the start of last week that my mom's CEA was way up and that the doctor called and said no more chemo until after he sees her on the 25th. Well she has been gaining strength and is back to eating very well ( so well that when we all went out to lunch my one sister was amazed at the fact my mom ate everthing on her plate while she herself could not finish her meal!). She felt well enough that she really enjoyed the visit with my sisters thou she was not yet up to full speed in the energy department.
My sisters and I would go on 4 mile walks every morning and talk as we walked. My one sister kept saying that the family therapist she and her family see told her that while we were all together that we needed to discuss things like hospice, funeral plans and all those other end of life issues with my mom. Both of them seemed to want me to be the one to bring it all up and I told them my mom knows all about hospice and that I think her doctor should be the one to bring it up WHEN it is time. I feel us doing so at this point may make her feel that we are giving up on her and then she may give up on herself..Both my parents are members of the neptune society so what happens to her after death is also covered.
My sisters seemd to have other issues they wanted to ask her about but seemed to feel I should be the one to bring them up thou I kept telling them to talk to her about them and to quit being such chickens as if she does not want to talk about them she will tell them so. I think they left without ever discussing those items with her. I feel sad about that but I am tired of being the one that always has to drag the reality that this cancer will kill her into her life.
We are all thinking that the reason she gets no more chemo until we see the doctor is that he feels the chemo is not working and has nothing else to offer her. If that is true my dad wants her to try an alternative treatment at a clinic in Newport Beach. They were all wondering if she would consider trying it and my sisters kept saying that they thought that me or my brother or sister in law should be the one to discuss it with her as if my dad does she will probably say no as she does to most of his ideas. One day when just she and I were in the room I asked her what if the doctor says there is no more he can offer her would she be willing to at least check out the alternative treatment? She told me perhaps as she is not totally ready to give up yet. Yes alternative therapies could be quackery but some of that could also be the goverment and drug compaines protecting themselves. If some of what they convince us as being quackery were indeed true look at the billions of dollars they would stand to lose.
Someone at work said those alternative therapies could kill you and probably not work but hey that sounds alot like chemo to me.Is there really that big of a difference between the two? My mom's doctor and I discussed an alternative theraphy once and he said" Oh that could kill you". I found myself laughing as so could chemo as look at how many people die as a result of chemo and how many oncologist say they would not take chemo themselves!
My Mom still has that fighter attitude and she takes her immunopower everyday so perhaps it is helping her as she looks good and feels pretty good. So good in fact that I am torn about what if there is more chemo he can offer her as from day one he has said he could not save her life instead could just try to offer her time. At this point in time is that horrible fatigue and general not feeling too great that the chemo causes worth an extra month or two? Or is this where you say I have dealt with three different chemo attempts and Tarceva and at the moment of now being off chemo for 2 weeks I feel pretty darn good and would rather spend what little time I may have left feeling as good as I can for as long as I can verses spending it sick from the chemo knowing you may never be strong enough to have a really good day again? I want my mom around for as long as possible but I also hated seeing how the Taxotere/ gemzar made her feel and would hate to see her feel that way again until she does die. I think the good nutrition and prayers, positive attitude may be as good if not better then chemo at this late stage.( of course there is the irrational part of me screaming take anything he can offer you and fight until the end as that part of me can not imagine how life will be without her in it..it is the selfish me).
What ever happens this Saturday when we see the doctor I will always know in my heart that my mom gave this cancer one heck of a battle and that by trying Tarceva she was one of the very lucky ones as having lung cancer without any lung involvement for over a year now thanks to Tarceva has been such a blessing. When I read all of your posts about shortness of breath and coughing up blood ( or when I am at work seeing that!) I say a little thank you prayer that my mom has been free of that for the past year.Our battle has been so different then the battle most of you have been having that I do feel we have been blessed.We will see what the doctor says on Saturday.
As usual know that all of you are in my prayers and thoughts everyday.Sending internet hugs to you all from Santa Barbara,JanMarie