My mom passed away four weeks ago on this coming Tuesday. She had been diagnosed three years ago with lung cancer but had minimal symptoms until this past January. I think that the reason for her well-being was because she was in so much denial that she believed she was going to beat this dreadful disease. She had two good years out of the three that she lasted. The last year she started having aches and pains here and there especially in her neck, back and shoulder area. Her doctor put her on pain meds and muscle relaxants. They worked for a little while but then her pain kept getting more unbearable as the days and weeks went by. She kept thinking that she had arthritis since she was 81 yrs. old. On January 8th, she called me and told me that she wasn't feeling good. I took her to the doctor and he gave her some antibiotics and cough medicine for her chest pain and cough. The meds were not working at all and she couldn't sit or lay down without excruiating pain. I called the doctor and he put her in the hospital where she stayed for 10 weeks. The cancer started to rear its ugly head and had spread to her spinal cord which caused paralysis in both legs. Since there was nothing that they could do for her except operate with a dim outcome, I had to make a decision as to how I would care for my mom. I wanted to take her home and get home care but the doctor said that my mom would need nursing care 24/7 and that it would be very hard for me that way due to my mom's deteriorating condition. I was so upset and I didn't know what to do. My doctor suggested nursing home care but I didn't want to do that to my mom without giving it a try my way. My mom wanted so bad to come home and die. But I was scared when the doctor told me that my mom would be having oxygen deprivation problems because of the tumor on my mom's spinal cord, skin breakdown, sepsis and pneumonia. I told my mom with choked up tears that I couldn't give her the kind of care that a nursing home could and asked her if she wouldn't mind going there for the rest of her care. She said " whatever you want is okay with me". My mom lasted about three weeks at the nursing facility and 4 days before her death, hospice stepped in. I was there the night that she took her last breath which was March 14, 2006.
I miss her so much and although I knew that her life was ending, I realize now that I was the one in denial. I was not prepared to say good-bye to her. I can still feel her presence all around me even though she is physically not here. My mom is gone but her love remains forever in my heart.
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