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Darlene-CA 02-07-2007 10:48 PM

I lost my precious Mom today....
 
Hi...I've been lurking here for over a year, my Mom was diagnosed in September of 2005. She had NSCLC and had surgery 12/05 without Rad/Chemo. She was in pain from that day forward....every day! We're not sure exactly what took her beautiful life, as she would not go back to have the follow up tests, as she was in such pain she knew she couldn't tollerate anything else. She was so tiny and frail and had lost so much weight. We found her 8 days ago, barely breathing. To make a complicated story short, after a roller coaster week of ups and downs and many tests, we sat with her today as she took her last breath. I'm absolutely devasted and filled with guilt. Devastated because I lost my favorite person in the entire world. She was my rock. I don't know what I will do without her. She was the one person who loved me regardless, she was my best friend, I feel so empty and lost without her. I want to pick up the phone and call her. She is the one I would call just so I could hear her voice. I can not believe I can never talk to her again!!! I feel guilty because I respected her wishes so much that I wouldn't force the medical issue on her. I knew how much she suffered the first time and I knew she couldn't handle it anymore. I know she knew how much I loved her and I am grateful I was able to tell her but I watched her suffer for the past year and these last 8 days of suffering were unreal to me. Her tiny and frail little body just wouldn't let go. I kept telling her it was ok and how much I loved her. I just can not believe she is gone. I'm sorry to ramble, i just miss her so much and need support from anyone who has been through this. I have a husband and two children. My husband has no clue or much consideration for what i am going through, as he is tucked in bed as I sit here falling apart.......God Bless My Mom.........

serinity 02-08-2007 04:36 AM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to lung cancer also. Feb.18th will be one year for me. It is still so hard. In my heart I know shes out of pain and in the arms of the angels, but I still long for her. I pray for god to be with you through this time.

mbaresi77 02-08-2007 04:53 AM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
hi darlene,

my name is toni and i definately know what ur going through.. my mom was diagnosed with nsclc on october 12, 2006. she went through so much with the radiation and kemo they told her she was in the final stage my mom lost her life on december 19, 2006.. she only lasted 2 months... so i say to u dont put it on urself about putting her through the treatments because she might have been the same way... my mom suffered through her treatments, it was the hardest thing we had to go through in our lifes and there is nothing u can do to make them better... my mom was my best friend and 2 months after her dying, i still cant believe she's gone. there are plenty of times i pick up the phone to call her but realize shes not there... i cry almost every day and so far the pain of losing her is probably gonna be with me for a long time... i just miss her deeply... well your in my thoughts and prayers.. anytime u wanna talk just post on her and ill respond..

toni

Darlene-CA 02-08-2007 07:04 AM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
Thank you both for your kind words. I'm also sorry for your loss. I always knew losing her would devastate me and I woke up this morning wishing I could have had a nice long conversation with her just one more time. I saved a few of her messages on my answering machine and hurts and feels good at the same time to hear her voice. Today, we will make her arrangements. I lost a baby 13 years ago and we were able to find a place close to him. I'm happy she will be close to her grandson. I just feel so empty.......I can not stop crying.........

tayreb 02-08-2007 08:05 AM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
I am so very sorry for your loss,my mother was sick for many many years, (not cancer) but just about everything else, she had her first stroke at the age of 44 and several after that . anyway that stuff is not important now, what is however, is that you must not feel guilty for allowing your mom to go the way that she wanted to. you were there with her when she took her last breath as i was with mine, it has been 13 yrs since my mother passed away and there isn't a day that I don't miss her, I still cry for her, that void in your life will never go away, but you will get used to it being there and it will simply become a part of your life everyday.Eventually it won't hurt as much as it does right now. Remember she was your mom and she always will be, Honor her life and be grateful for the time that you had with her, and take comfort in knowing that although you are suffering now, she is not.
Hang in there Tayreb

lorriem 02-08-2007 09:21 AM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
I am so very sorry for your loss.A mother is such a special person to all of us no matter how old we are.I lost my Mom in 1989 and she was according to the doctors doing fine. She did not have cancer but did at one time this was a valve replacement.They had her sitting up so I went to grap a bite and when we came back there was a code blue in the ICU . I never thought it was my mom but it was and I sat by her bed for a long time just looking at her and stroking her hair.I felt so guilty that I wasn't with her and still do and yes even though it has been so many years I still find myself thinking I have to tell mom that.
My prayers for you and your family.

Janmarie2 02-08-2007 03:18 PM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
Darlene, I am so sorry to hear about your mother and I know no words I can say will bring comfort . I lost my mom to NSCLC on Nov 25th 2006. Like many here she was my mother and my best friend. I miss her more then words can say.

What I can say is that like me and many others here you were blessed to have such a wonderful mother, not everyone has such a good relationship with their mother. I know people that have not talked to their mother in years ( now that is sad!).

Grief is a very individual thing and if you need to cry for weeks or months do so and don't let anyone tell you to " get over it". I don't think you ever do get over it but you learn to live with it. Take extra good care of yourself for awhile as the stress from grief is hard on the body.

I have days where I feel blue and cry but because I had such a sense of relief that my mom will never suffer again and actually was lucky and did not have to suffer too much in her 2 1/2 year battle I find I am much less depressed then I though I would be and have wondered am I supressing my true feelings? But I don't think I am it is just as I said we all grieve differently. I choose to take that part of my mom that lives within me and let it shine as she was such a loving happy person that yes she can live through me. I talk about her alot both her illness and her life in general and am lucky as my friends are good friends that listen and several of them have also lost moms so we share stories and that too keeps them alive.

No I will never talk to her again and not picking up that phone or sending that e-mail is hard. Driving down to visit my dad is hard too as there is a part of me that hopes this was all just a bad dream and my mom will be there when I get there.


I know in my heart she has only left me in a physical sense, her spirit will always be around me and yes one day I will see her again as this is all just life and someday my spirit will be called to continue on its journey and I know my mom will be right there waiting and find real comfort in that.

My coworkers sent a large donation to best friends animal sanctuary and got some memorial wind chimes that hang in the sanctuaries area called Angels Rest in honor of my mom. She loved animals as do I so the donation made upon her death brings life to animals which she would have loved. It also gives me a great way to remember my mom as now when I hear a wind chime where ever I am I smile and think "Hi MOM". It helps to have something like that that has special meaning and will connect you to her and put a smile on your face when it does.

Give yourself time and know you are not alone but rather you are among a group of very blessed people that had wonderful mothers. Take care and any time you need to share do so as it does help. ;) JanMarie

scorpiow112 02-08-2007 07:24 PM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
Darlene...I am so sorry for your loss....When I lost my father I was in shock and felt very guilty because I wasn't with him at the time..he had complications after surgery and we all thought he was doing very well...The pain of losing a loved one never leaves you...but don't alow the guilt to drag you down...you're Mother wouldn't want that for you.....GOD BLESS and
just know that your Mom is with you in spitit.....Wanda

Darlene-CA 02-08-2007 09:12 PM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
Oohhhh, thank you all so much for your understanding words. It helps so much to hear from others that were so close to their Mom's and had to lose them. Today, I had to get her clothing ready.....Oh how I miss her. I want to smell her..... it just hurts so bad. I do know she is in a better place, pain free, and in a new glorious, healthy body. She was so beautiful. Yesterday, after she passed, I cut a little locket of her hair. I know that might sound silly or even icky but I needed to had a piece of her. Tonight, I will write her a letter, telling her everything I feel for her and I will tuck it, with a couple of pictures of us together, inside her fluffy white robe pocket. I love her so much......we have a rosary scheduled for Sunday evening and a mass and graveside on Monday. Please pray for my family........Thank you again

tammo 02-09-2007 04:10 AM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
Hi There,
I can understand how you feel as I lost my dad one month ago yesterday
(from lung cancer). It's a terrible empty feeling that is so heavy at times you feel you cannot breath. It just doesn't seem real. To be honest it still doesn't seem real to me. I can tell you you will get numb a bit then you will gradually start to see the life around you again. You have to live for who is around you ...your kids and husband. She will not have to suffer anymore and that is a blessing. Your life will be different but you'll find a way of coping. It may take a while but it happens. Sorry for you loss ((hugs)). I know your heart is breaking. Be strong and lean on those who love you. There are more people who understand around you than you think.
Tammy

duzford 02-09-2007 08:10 AM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
Just remember there is no pain in heaven, there are no calories or fat cells, there is no diesease, no sickness, no consequences. She has new power and it is the power to sit on your shoulder and be omnipresent with you. If you sneak done for a midnight snack and take a swig from the milk container she is there. If you scream and want her back she is saying "I am right here, you don't have to yell." When you feel that crushing blow across your chest - that is a bear hug from her!

Hang in there! Talk to her - scream with her - you will recover - just keep faith.

mabegb 02-09-2007 09:16 AM

Re: I lost my precious Mom today....
 
darlene - i'm so sorry for your loss:angel:


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