My first thought on being informed of my situation was 'oh no, now what shall I do'. I was stunned feeling disconnected from myself I floated home and for the next few days it felt like I was walking on clouds. I walked in the park and remember the very young friend I was with running through the park, loving the wind that was blowing that day, her arms were out and her hair streaming behind her, I felt the wind, and felt sad that soon I would no longer be able to do so, then I thought hey I will be in the wind. This almost romantic state went on for a few weeks, I imagined myself as the elements, the trees, as the sky and stars.
Then I told other more practical friends, and discussions turned to funerals, what to do in the last days and so on, it was a real bummer - but had to be done, I made arrangements for my pets and possessions.
Cancer was doing it's dirty work, it was starting to bring me down, it was starting to own me, I began to feel pain, became breathless, which progressively got worse over the next few months reaching a point at christmas where I almost died, fortunately I did not. Slowly my 'health' has started to return, I have less pain, cna breath, feel hungry and sleep less and as far as I am concerned that's a major improvement.
Then a few days ago I awoke one morning and decided that I will not allow this cancer to destroy me. My practical friends call and want to talk cancer and death, I just say I don't want to talk about it, I think this offends them, but I am more than cancer and always will be. Cancer is something I have, not who I am. Anyway since deciding not to let cancer destroy me, my pain has gone completely (Hopefully this will continue to be the case.) Now my challenge is to wean myself off the pain killers which I am slowly succeeding at doing.
I continue to pray, meditate, and do my yoga, next I must rebuild my muscles which have atrophied over the past few years of fatigue.
Perhaps I am in some sort of denial, but it feels better than thinking that I will be dead soon. I don't have a fear of being dead and I know that like every other person alive I will one day be dead. It's just that the cancer was starting to take over, not only my body but also my mind which seemed to escalate the physical symptoms - the cancer was owning me.
A person I know - at christmas, he was in hospital, had his lung drained, lost nearly half his body weight was diagnosed with end stage cancer, CT showed cancer, he went for a biopsy the oncologist have now told him he does not have cancer but an infection. When my friend thought he had cancer he did not eat he was scared and defeated, as soon as he learnt that there was no cancer his appetite returned, and he is now growing stronger.
The only way to get through this is to remain in control, if the cancer gains psychological control it starts to run the whole show and things just get worse in my opinion. I am not saying ignore it, do what has to be done medically, just don't allow cancer to take over..
God bless you all