The patches were not going as smoothly as we had hoped. Stan started out with one 25mcg patch. Within a week we had to call the doctor and we then put 2 patches on making it 50mcg. There was stil not much relief so we met with the doctor on Monday so now he has him using two 50mcg patches. We just put on the new patches on Tuesday afternoon so waiting for him to feel better. The doctor told him NO more vicadin since it is tough on his liver. The doctor insisted if he had bad pain to use Roxanyl but Stan is stubborn and won't use it. I could see the doctor's concern in his face when we showed him the log of pain meds Stan was taking and the increase in pain. (oh, how this worries me) I over heard Stan on the phone today telling someone that the cancer is taking over and he is losing his battle. (he has never shared that with me and won't) Has anyone else used the Fentanyl patches???
Anyway, thanks for listening.
It is good to hear from you ...only I am sorry that things are not better. I don't know how you do it ....how you keep your poise. I see what your going through and know that unless Tacrvea does something, I may not be far behind. I have really struggled lately with anger and bitterness, as I hate everything about this wretched disease. I guess I have fallen into that trap where you start looking at those around you who are enjoying a good life and wonder what you have done to deserve the present situation. However I am trading anger and bitterness in for hope and faith, so we press on. Things are as they are and getting bitter is good for nothing. If fighting cancer wasn't enough, we must also battle the fears, anxieties and emotional stress it brings. But we need not do it alone. I know I need to trust God more. The bible tells us to "Cast our cares upon Him; for He cares for us" ...and I haven't been doing that lately. And aside from the support of family and friends, I think I need my friends here on the board who are able to understand and can more readily listen. Kim, I am sorry I haven't been a better friend lately. But I am going to do my best to spend more time here ...as I need it too.
Kim. Sorry to hear that Stan's pain is still a problem. I think seeing our loved ones in any pain is one of the hardest parts of this whole disease process.
Conan, to quote you" I hate everything about this wretched disease. I guess I have fallen into that trap where you start looking at those around you who are enjoying a good life and wonder what you have done to deserve the present situation."
The answer to that is none of us has done anything to deserve this. We have to learn to look at it for what it is and that is it is just a part of life. Life holds no promises, is not fair, comes with both good times and bad times, and is full of hurt as well as love. We can focus on the bad hurtful aspect or we can look deeper into life and see we have really been blessed for we have been allowed to share a part of our lives with who we have. Sometimes that time seems much too short but still that person has touched our life and left footprints deep in or soul. They stay with us forever just not in a physical sense. To look at people enjoying a "goodlife" keep in mind they are human too and their life will also have tragic events so life will not always be good to them either. Before the cancer I am sure people that were standing where you are now felt the same way looking at you and Patsy enjoying a good life. It is just the cycle of life so don't let that" what did we do wrong?" thought enter your mind.
Yes people do things that is harmful to their health or life but even those that don't face the same heart aches in life as we all die. Birth and death will always be the only two givens in life. I so often think of the young 40 year old men I have seen come into the ER dead. They were men who ate right exercised and were considered the picture of health and one day drop dead of a heart attack. Often CPR was started right away but they were dead and could not be revived why? Because they are not immune from life.
I know when you are going through all of this it is hard to see it this way so maybe I speak having gone through the loss and not having let the anger or depression of it take over my life. I know how blessed I was to have the mother I did and I know she is still with me and that gives me strength to face each day and look foreward not backward.Yes I miss her very much but I know this is life and each of us will have to deal with loss, no one is immune from it.
All of you that come to this board are always in my prayers. I continue to pray that some of you will someday be sharing the good news that you are cancer free. JanMarie
It sure is good to hear from you and I hope all is well. I really appreciate your post and couldn't agree more. My pastor and friend says it this way: You are either going through a storm, coming out of a storm or one is coming your way (speaking of life). The oldest book in the bible and one of the oldest of known manuscripts (Job) says that our lives are "short lived and full of turmoil" (14:1). Having said all that, I certianly can't justify being angry of bitter as your post so eloquently demonstarted and because I know better. However when you are the caregiver of your spouse and have children it can be extremely overwhelming at times no matter how strong you are and sometimes it is hard to think clearly. But that is where friends like you, Kim and others come in who are able to bring things into proper focus. I probably identify more with Kim because are situations are so similar.
So good to hear from you I have been wondering how you and Stan are. I am so sorry to hear that Stan has been having such difficulities with his pain and the meds. Hopefully the new patches are now helping him. You take care of yourself as well. God Bless you both,
I like your pastor's way of using the storm to describe life as it fits so perfect.I know it is difficult when the storm is upon you and you become so over whelmed . My heart just breaks for you and Kim having to deal with all of this when your kids are still young. I am so glad that you and Kim did find each other on this board as you two have so much in common and the support you provide one another is very obvious.I admire you and Kim for your strength.God bless you both. JanMarie
So nice to be back on the board even though at times they are quick posts. (like this one)
Thanks JanMarie, Conan and Cee! You put a smile on my face after reading your posts. JanMarie you always can put things into perspective and always get me pointed back in the right direction and Conan so well put what your pastor said about the storm and Cee you are going thru so much yourself, yet always thinking of others.
Two days ago I was driving home from somewhere and I have just had a tough week with our 10 year old and then with Stan's situation and I was just so sad with tears and then all of a sudden I looked to the sky( I know I was suppose to be driving but looked up) and saw the most beautiful clouds and thought wow how lucky I am to be healthy and thanked God for letting me be here and that I will manage with our 10 year old and Stan. (thank goodness our 17 year old has been helping more lately) It snapped me out of it and you cannot imagine how much I thanked God!
I need to run Anthony to Taekwando but will check back later and respond to some other posts I saw, but wanted to send you all a big hug and some prayers.
Hi Kim!! I too have been worrying about you. I have been working a ton of hours and the computer is the last thing on my mind once I get home. Right now I am fighting the cold from Hades and my throat feels like it's on fire. Lately I have been going back in my memory banks and can actually begin to smile at the memories that Bud and I made. For a while, those same memories were like a torture because they reminded me so vividly that life as I knew it is gone. Bud will never walk through that door again, or give me a hug or kiss my hand or be silly. Yet, I find peace in knowing that he is well now and whole. One day I WILL see him again and then what a celebration!
Kim, we never did the patches but when the pain got so strong, they put Bud and Ativan to help him try to relax through it. I don't know if that will help you or not. Wish I could just whisk you away and take you camping with me and JanMarie and the dogs....I'll even provide the hotdogs....
Keep in touch my dear friend. I am always here for you. JanMarie, you take care and enjoy that California weather. Conan, I keep you and Patsy in my prayers also and I am so sad to hear how things are going in your neck of the woods.