My sister is dying - Cancer: Lung Message Board

LuvMyLilDoggie · 03-05-2007, 03:11 PM

I posted here several months back about my sister who has lung cancer. At the time, we thought it was because of all the years she smoked. She is just 54 years old.

We have since found out that the type of cancer she has is due to asbestos exposure when she was a child in school.

I've very upset with myself. I'm upset with cancer. I don't like the way I'm dealing (no, NOT dealing) with this. My sister lives almost 800 miles from me and said she'd like me to come see her so we can get the things we need to say to one another out in the open. This was last October. I have not gone there yet. I want to. I really do. But I just can't bring myself to do it and I hate myself for it. I should be there for her. I want to be there for her. And I feel SOOO guilty because as hard as this is for me, I KNOW it's a billion times worse for her.

I do speak with her on the phone but I can tell that's getting hard for her now. I called her last night and she couldn't talk to me because she was on oxygen then.

We lost a brother in 2001 to throat cancer that went into his lungs. He too was 54. He was diagnosed in July and he went into a coma a few weeks later. He spent 1 month in a coma and passed away just 7 weeks after his diagnosis. We didn't have a chance to say what we needed to say to one another. He didn't want anyone to know. And I still feel robbed of time with him. So why do I not take the chance I have with my sister to see her and talk to her? I wish I knew.

I've been on other boards for quite some time dealing with issues like my hypothyroidism and my dad's alzheimers. I've gained a lot of knowledge, strength and support from those boards so I am confident that you'll lend your advice and kind words to me.

Is there anyone here who has struggled with this type of fear that I have now? How did you cope with it? Please share your stories with me about how you deal with cancer either in yourself or a loved one. I feel so alone and scared for my sister. I want to be there to hug her, hold her hand, listen to her and help her. But I'm afraid I can't until I can learn how to come to terms with this myself. This fear is consuming me. And my guilty feelings and the depression surrounding it all is unbearable.

Barb

ladyj2 · 03-06-2007, 12:43 PM

Barb,
I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles. My situation was very different than yours so I probably can't relate very well. I lived 3000 miles from my mom and was naive to how deadly it was. I can say it hit me the first time I went to see her and everyone else was adjusted to her condition. She wanted to take her wig off and I threw a fit. Seeing her bald head made it more real. Then I got over it.
I know this is so hard for you already having lost one sibling but I just worry that she will pass and you will have regrets for the rest of your life if you don't go. You're in a rough spot, either way you decide it's going to hurt.

alexjarv · 03-08-2007, 05:34 AM

Hi i read your post and felt real bad for you. There is only one thing you can do, get in your car and go see your sister before it is too late. Like you said it is very hard for you but try being your sister. I recently found out my dad is terminal, trouble is I keep thing of this in ways it affects me, not thinking how he must be feeling. God knows what it must be like but my immediate reaction to your post was if she dies and you dont see her you will never forgive yourself.
goodluck.

Cee10 · 03-08-2007, 09:19 AM

Barb,

You know there are things you want to say to your sister, things she wants to say to you. Do you want them to be unsaid?
I really believe that you have to take a deep breath and walk through your fear, go to see her as soon as possible for both your sakes.

God bless you with strength

Cee

LuvMyLilDoggie · 03-08-2007, 05:53 PM

Thank you all for your replies. Of course I know you're right. I do need to find a way to set my own fears aside and go see her SOON. It's a 13 hour drive to her house so if I just make the first step and start driving, maybe I can get through this. I know once I start driving, I won't turn back.

I've never really forgiven myself for not seeing my brother sooner. And I really only had one day to get there 600 miles away. My SIL called me one night and told me he had cancer. The next day I had my brakes done on my car and drove there. By the time I got there, he was already in a coma. He died a few weeks later without ever coming out of the coma.

Ladyj, that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I haven't seen my sister in 4 or 5 years. But I guess if you can get over the initial shock, I can too.

But still I'm so afraid....

I think I just figured something out. I think I might be afraid that it's going to happen to me too. How selfish of me....

Love, Barb