You can be mad at the smokers and the makers of cigarettes and wish they were illegal, but they probably never will be. The money in that industry is just too huge. My mom died of lung cancer and she never smoked a day in her life which makes you question was it second hand smoke? Was it radon?Was it air pollution? We will never know.
How do you get over the loss? You really don't as it becomes a part of you. For many of us we grieved as the illness progressed by the time death did arrive it was what may sound very odd to you right now a relief.When my mom was battling NCSLC stage IV I expected to be totally shattered when she did die but found that instead a sense of relief washed over me. One of my sister's and I went walking the next morning and talked about how weird it was that we felt this way and that life just goes on. I miss my mom more then I can say but find comfort by focusing not on what I lost but rather on what I had. I had the best mom in the world and I had a fantastic relationship with her. To me it would be much sadder to have never had that then to have had it and lost it. I know so many people that did not have a good relationship with their mothers so I know I was blessed.
Her 2 1/2 year battle was a roller coaster ride at times and at first I was consumed by the fact the doctor told her he could only offer her pallitive treatment not a cure. My mom saw that as a challenge so she fought hard but 4th line chemo took its toll and she decided to quit.
I survived by telling myself that Ok she has cancer that will kill her, However; she is really not on a different playing field then me or anyone else as not one of us knows when we will die.You or I could die in the next few minutes form many things, a stroke, a heart attack, get hit by a car the list goes on and on. My mom could have died from any of those things too at any given moment .We do think she died from a pulmonary embolism..blood clot to her lung as she did not die from liver failure. By the time she stopped chemo she no longer had active cancer in her lung as for over 1 1/2 years we had just been battling the mets to her liver . Tarceva wiped out the lung tumor and it never came back. Anyway I learned to see she was no different then any of us except that she had been handed a calling card saying death is coming and that inturn allowed us to say good bye and to live each moment as if it were the last. You find things that are not important really do not matter and suddenly you do have time for the things that do matter. So many people have sudden unexpected deaths and never get to say good bye and their loved ones wander around thinking what was the last thing I said to my beloved? Did they know I loved them? Had I said it recently? Well thanks to the "calling card" called lung cancer I know my mom knows how everyone she cared about felt about her, I know what the last thing I said to her was. She got to die at home with all of us around her which sure beats dieing in a hospital.Maybe that is part of what is behind that sense of relief along with knowing she will never have any pain or suffering again.
We will all die just as we were all born and as hard as that is to accept it is one of the few truths about life. I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience so in a way my mom did not die she just transitioned to her next experience. This means that for me despite missing her and feeling down at times that life goes on and that yes I laugh and have good times as I am still in my human experience. Someday we will be together again.
My dad was married to my mom for 56 years. He is lost without her but he is getting by, overwhelmed by all he now has to do that she use to do.I had never had a good relationship with him as he was a workaholic that did not take time to spend with me and my siblings so I prayed that he would not out live my mom but he did and now I see that maybe there was a reason for that. I think it happened this way so that we all would be forced to get to know him and see that he really is not a bad guy. He just made some poor choices which is something we all have done at one time or another. I feel so different about him now.
The best advive I can offer you and others that are new to this is listen to that inner voice and if you feel something is wrong do not let the doctors dismiss it. After her first line chemo my mom had no energy and was running a low grade fever. I mentioned this to her oncologist who wanted to write it off to the cancer but my inner voice was saying no she has either a pneumonia or UTI ( urinary tract infection). We had to battle him for tests and she actually had both! The pneumonia was so bad she had a total white out of her one lung.It was an obstructive pneumonia cased by the tumor and that was when she was started on Iressa ( next month changed to Tarceva which had just come on the market) and that changed her whole experience with lung cancer as it destroyed the lung tumor. Anyway had I let the doctor dismiss the fatigue and fever my mom probably would have quickly become septic and died and would have become one of those 6 month stastics instead she survived about 2 1/2years. Be your wife's advocate and stand up to the doctors and question them when you feel it is necessary as they are not going to watch out for your wife like you are. Spend lots of time with her and make sure she knows how much she is loved and appreciated. Leave no regrets. I am at work and had better get back to work. Know I will add you and your wife and many other newbies here to my prayers. JanMarie
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