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Old 05-25-2007, 09:34 AM   #1
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snoopy63 HB User
Unhappy feeling scared/anxious

unfortunately...I have to admit the hormones are intesifying everything right now so it doesnt help....

Chris has been having increased pain the past few days... he has been on the fentanyl patch... they gave him 100's at first...and maybe only once a day had to take anything else...infact he said he felt too dopey on them so they prescribed him some 75's to use... which he did once but we had to switch back to 100s b/c his pain got more intense at times... they also Rx's some morphine drops for immediate release for any breakthrough pain...

he has been having to use that 2x a day and now take norco at times also...

I am really scared about his pain increasing... Kim,I dont know how you get through it with Stan, it has got to be so hard...you just want to take the pain away and there isnt much that can be done sometimes...you feel so helpless! And I know it is going to keep getting worse and worse...I am scared to give him too much meds...scared to not give him enough...just scared for what I know he is going to be gnig through. I know he has it in is back...I am worried about the tumors growing and fracturing his bones...
he is still walking around some but I know it is going to get harder and eventually he will be bedridden..I am so scared for that day....

I am scared b/c we dont really talk about what is going on... probably mostly my fault...I am waiting for cues from him but they arent coming..I need to push it... I am afraid of him dying and no plans have been made...he has not spoken about what he wants... I have no clue where to start....
I know he wants to be here when the time comes...I am really scared and very anxious about that... I really dont know if I can handle it esp if it happens with just me here... I dont know if there will be a warning....or he will just go...his heart is beating so fast these days I know he could just have a heart attack... I sit and wonder what is going to take him...
I am scared too b/c yesterday he was short of breath just sitting...it went away after a while...but I know the tumors in his lungs are growing... and are going to be blocking airways... His Dr told me it is going to happen more and more... great.... I dont want him to go gasping for air... I think that would be worst of all...I dont know what the odds are of that...I know they can medicate him so it eases it but what if it happens suddenly and there arent medical people around?
I have no one close by if I need them...his brother is 3-4 hours away and his sisters, my best friend and my mother are all 1-1/2 hrs away....
i really dont know if I can handle him passing here...I really have a thing about seeing people after they have died...I am extremely anxious about this...but I have to honor what he wants...it isnt about me...so I will have to pretend it is okay and not let him know how scared I am about all of this...
all it would do is just upset him and make him feel bad... I certainly dont want that.....

sorry for the length...I just had to get this out somewhere....
I'm scared!

 
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Old 05-25-2007, 05:13 PM   #2
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bkerber HB User
Re: feeling scared/anxious

I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I know what you're faced with though. We had no plans for my parents when they got sick. No one anticipated they would be diagnosed within 2 months of each other. My mom had the most pain. She took alot of morphene about 2 weeks before she passed. It made her kind of loopy at times. She also had mets to the back which I think must be so, so painful. She never did have that urgency of not being able to breath. She was on oxygen, but just used a machine. Dad however did not have pain but a couple of weeks before he passed he could not catch his breath. He would panic. We took him to the emergency room when it got so bad he really couldnt breath well. He only lasted a few days. His oxygen got so low that he would have had to be intubated and we persuaded him not to go there. The nurse gave him morphine to ease the anxiety of not being able to breath and within 1 minute he died. I tell you that when my mom got to the point where she could not walk it was tough. My sister and i had to change her sheets, change her, turn her. I was not easy for 2 people. I cant imagine if you have to do it yourself. Im so sorry and I wish there were easy answers but I guess there isnt. I hope you find the strength that you need for the times to come.

Last edited by bkerber; 05-25-2007 at 05:31 PM.

 
Old 05-25-2007, 05:26 PM   #3
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pbj11 HB User
Re: feeling scared/anxious

((((Snoopy))))

Just read your post and understand all of your feelings. We are not in this position yet, but I'm scared to my soul of any pain. For us I know it will be the breathing issue. He already is so very short of breath that it frightens me to watch him breath at night. I feel like when my kids were little and I would watch them sleep and check on them. Now it is my husband.

I also never get any cues. He doesn't discuss his survival, just keeps fighting. I have a feeling that he will fight until the day the good Lord takes him. I understand and accept his choice to not discuss it with me or anyone. Fortunately my mother was the same way when she was dying, so I've got that experience under my belt to deal with whatever is ahead. Of course I still lull myself into a false sense of security on many days that he will always be here and then have to slap myself upside the head because I know the truth of this disease at this late stage.

We are well behind you in this journey, but your posts always touch me to my soul because you verbalize what goes through my mind on so many occasions.

Please take care of yourself and come here often to share and keep yourself sane.

 
Old 05-26-2007, 05:43 AM   #4
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conan1017 HB User
Re: feeling scared/anxious

Hi Snoopy-

It is good that you are able to come here and voice your feellings. I struggled with the except same thoughts and anxieties. I spent the last 3 weeks exhausting myself trying to fix everything, but efforts were futile. The only I did that comforts me know is the time I spent loving her and trying to make her comfortable.

Up until the last 3 weeks, we were able to control her pain. We actually went in to the hospital because we were no longer able to control it ....and later discovered she had puemonia in her right lung (the good lung). Last Saturday we found ourlselves on the fence and knew what we were facing. I fell asleep about 10 pm and when I woke up at 1 am I took one look at her and knew she wasn't going to make it. The nurse heard my crying and came in and told me what to expect. So from 1 am to about 7 am, I had to deal with everything I had been so anxious about. I of course grieved, kissed her, talked to her and prayed. Sometimes I would have to leave the room for a few minutes and walk the halls. It was at that time I began to feel God's presence with me. By morning God had given me peace and strength that far exceeded my anxiety. That was to be a long day with many visitors who had come to say goodbye, including our 4 teen/adult children. My heart hurt like never before, but I had peace. Patsy never seemed uncomfortable. She was unresponsive and could take breaths that became more and more shallow and further apart until about 9:45 that evening when she gave up her spirit.

Snoopy, my prayer for you this morning is that the great Comforter will give you his peace. There will come a time when you will have to let Chris go. Patsy and I never talked about her death either, she didn't want to. If Chris wants to, he will. If not, allow God to give you the peace that passes understanding. I have grieve every hour, but not once been angry or bitter since that night I spent walking in the valley with Jesus.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. for you are with me. Your rod and you staff, they comfort me. "
Psalm 23:4

I will be praying for you and Chris daily,

conan

Last edited by conan1017; 05-26-2007 at 05:46 AM.

 
Old 05-26-2007, 10:48 AM   #5
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Kimslos HB UserKimslos HB UserKimslos HB UserKimslos HB User
Re: feeling scared/anxious

Conan,
Thanks for sharing. I am very close to where you were and I think your words have given me strength and I must lean on God as I know nothing else will get me thru this and you just reminded me.
I am rather numb right now, not to mention tired. Stan has transitioned into a confused state, can barely walk and barely eats. I need to cut this short to call Hospice out since we are now to the point of the hospital bed, but Stan is a tough one and is fighting me on it but right now one of us must stay sitting next to him for fear he will get up and fall.
Snoopy,
Stan is up to 175 mcg fentanyl patches and cannot take morphine but takes vicadin for the pain and 2 other pain meds but now getting him to swallow those are a problem so not sure what Hospice will have to say today as options. I think Conan has helped me and certainly hope he did the same for you. I pray your husband will have a better day. You take care of yourself.
Kim

 
Old 05-26-2007, 06:20 PM   #6
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postiemayer HB User
Re: feeling scared/anxious

Snoopy, God bless you! And Kim and Conan and all of you who share your thoughts and fears on this board. Right now I am sitting here crying for all of you but grateful to you all also because reading what you are going thru gives me some inkiling of what I am going to be up against when the cancer starts to grow again in my husband. Fortunately for me, for some reason, long before he was even sick, we discussed what we wanted when the time came. And, we had the foresight to get an adjustable bed, knowing breathing would be hard. Now I just wait for the shoe to drop and dread the day. Thank God you have your faith, faith is what gives me the strength right now and I'm sure it will in the future. You are all such wonderful people and if we have to take this journey, I'm glad to have met you all to take it with.

 
Old 05-28-2007, 03:12 PM   #7
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snoopy63 HB User
Re: feeling scared/anxious

Thank you all so much really...it helps...

it is so hard when the pain comes on so fast and so strong...on top of that he tries to hold out b/c he doesnt want to bother me...he says i have enough to deal with already... I keep trying to explain that he makes it harder on me when he isnt up front about his pain b/c I can tell when he has it and then he still says he is fine... frustrating....i feel helpless enough as it is!
he was short of breath again this morning... I really get worried when that happens...we have no oxygen here... the nurse said insurance wont pay for oxygen till he is less than 88% blood ox... he has been b/t 92-96%...
they havent checked it recently though... It is prob still about that though...it is just at times it gets bad...
the dr said that once he is on hospice everything would be available and there would be less restrictions as there are with palliative... but it is just gettign him to agree to it... I know he is hesitant...this is usually the 'last step"... they say if you start feeling better you can get back off it... but how often does that really happen...and since we havnt been doing any treatments.... it wont....
this is so different than a cold or flu...every day with those you get a little better and a little better till it is gone... you actually want the days to pass b/c it is that much sooner till you or they are well... this is the opposite... every day is that much closer to the inevitable.... you cant say you look forward to a date the next month or the next holiday etc...b/c that much more time will have passed and they will prob be worse or maybe not even here.... this disease definitely teaches you to live in the present moment...not in the future.....

Conan... you are truly a wonderful person...with all that you a dealing with to still take time to respond.... I am glad that you had such a beautiful experience with her passing... as much as I know you would rather have not had to go through with it at all I am sure that there is some comfort in how it happened..I only hope that when the time comes for us it will be just as smooth......

Kim...thank you so much for all your kind words...you are going through so much and I am so sorry that your BIL had to put even more on you with everything else you are dealing with. Fortunately, Chris family has been good... there have been times where I felt his sister was a bit too "opinionated" but she has always been the "mother figure" plus she is a nurse...so...I try to take it in stride... I wish there was something I could do for you...it is frustrating that I am so close to you and can do nothing....
I hope things have calmed down for you...I am thinking of you...it is getting to where though I hesitate to get on here b/c I dont know what post I am going to see....take care

thanks again to everyone....you are all very special

 
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