It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Cancer: Pancreatic & Liver Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-19-2009, 07:16 AM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 1
Meredith Carmic HB User
Pancreatic cancer boyfriend has shut me out completely

My boyfriend which I adore and have a great relationship was dx with the pancreatic cancer 1 month ago. He is 60 and never sick in the past. Surgery was not an option once they went in, it had already spread. Of course in shock and terrified emotions are all over the place. The day he came home from the hospital he sat me down and told me he wanted to break up, he was "not in love anymore" and was so terribly cold and unemotional. I do realize he is going through major emotional struggles, but I never thought he would shut me out completely. It has been over a week, he is back in the hospital and has not called me. I am emotionally exhausted and do not know how to handle this. I love him and I do not truly beleive this is what he wants, what can you guys suggest for me? Is this common? Do I continue to keep trying? HELP I really need some guidance.

 
Old 01-19-2009, 11:54 AM   #2
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 25
Maelef HB User
Re: Pancreatic cancer boyfriend has shut me out completely

First let me say how very sorry i am about your boyfriend Meredith. I well know what you are going thru because my father just passed away on December 27th from PC. He was 77. What i can offer you is what i went thru with dad. His mind was always sharp and clear, but soon after his dx, it started to go down hill and quite often he would say things he never would have said before. At one point, a very hurtful thing. Wont go into details, but basically he told me "I dont give a f@#$!!!" when i told him about my feelings toward him. Eventually, he went into the hospital and they discovered he had some ammonia or something in the blood that was affecting his brain due to his liver failing.(something like that anyway). It could be that is what is going on with your boyfriend. My suggestion is to keep trying. Stay by his side and let him know that YOU still care, no matter what he says. He needs you now even more than you need him. It will be very tough. Your emotions will ride that roller coaster for a long time. I went thru it, and several times broke down in a bucket of tears. It's alright to do that Meredith, it lets all of it out of your system for the moment and allows you to refuel for the next emotional ride. Whether he really means what he says or not doesn't matter right now, because in my view, it's not really the boyfriend that you've always known and loved that is speaking. Stay by him, show him you love him, and he may well respond.

*** removed ***

Last edited by moderator2; 01-19-2009 at 12:37 PM. Reason: please read the posting rules to know what is allowed

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-19-2009, 08:13 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif, USA
Posts: 1,530
Mel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB UserMel52 HB User
Re: Pancreatic cancer boyfriend has shut me out completely

Your post is heartbreaking. Actually, I think your boyfriend loves you more than you will ever know and is trying to spare you the ugliness of this cancer. If he is stage 4, and is back in the hospital he may not have much time left. He won't be recovering. He may get some time if he is having chemo etc but without surgery he can't be cured. It may be too painful for him emotionally to have you around. He may feel he let you down since he has never been sick. He may not want you to see him so ill. It could even be the cancer has gone to his brain or the toxins are affecting his thinking. I can only second guess. He may be too ill now to even discuss it. Maybe he just needs a few days to think it out? I wish I had answers. I know I was very glad to be with my best friend when she passed and honored she let me there on what could have been such a private experience. Good luck. Come back and stay in touch

 
Old 01-28-2009, 09:14 AM   #4
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Princeton, New Jerse
Posts: 3
OtaniKitanO HB User
Re: Pancreatic cancer boyfriend has shut me out completely

Hi Meredith, I am so sorry you are going through this and I also all too well understand. My boyfriend was diagnosed with stage 4/inoperable/TCC of the left kidney 3-1/2 years ago. First thing he did was try to show me the door, from his hospital bed no less.

He's been up and down ever since on chemo, surgery, rehab, etc. We're going to Sloan Kettering tomorrow, in fact, to see about some masses now in his liver.

If the docs give him another speech about getting his will organized he has told me that he's going scuba diving one last time, meaning he won't come back up. He's a professional scuba diver with many 200+ foot deep dives; he knows how to get lost on a shipwreck. That's how he told me he wants to go. If that's what he wants, then that's what he needs to do.

It's a terrible reality to face and I've been living with it now since mid-2005. You have to give them whatever they want for themselves so that they are in control. Your boyfriend may choose to shut you out because he feels that the pain of the cancer can't compare to seeing you suffer, too. Often the biggest sources of stress for a cancer patient are his family members and spouses, and not the disease itself.

If I were you I would take a visit to your primary physician, explain the situation and let him/her guide you to some support and professional help.

 
Old 02-16-2009, 10:45 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,467
k2626 HB User
Re: Pancreatic cancer boyfriend has shut me out completely

I am so so sorry to hear this. My father was dxd in May and passed 2 months after. I myself have had my own fears of getting PC due to hereditary background.

Everyone handles things differently. My Father oddly was in bright spirits for the most part through the end, however, he did close people out (aside from us kids really) and did more so towards the end. Your boyfriend is prob. protecting you, himself and in a state of shock himself.

Again, I am so sorry

 
Old 03-03-2009, 01:19 PM   #6
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Irvine,CA
Posts: 141
dale2035 HB User
Smile Re: Pancreatic cancer boyfriend has shut me out completely

Quote:
Originally Posted by Meredith Carmic View Post
My boyfriend which I adore and have a great relationship was dx with the pancreatic cancer 1 month ago. He is 60 and never sick in the past. Surgery was not an option once they went in, it had already spread. Of course in shock and terrified emotions are all over the place. The day he came home from the hospital he sat me down and told me he wanted to break up, he was "not in love anymore" and was so terribly cold and unemotional. I do realize he is going through major emotional struggles, but I never thought he would shut me out completely. It has been over a week, he is back in the hospital and has not called me. I am emotionally exhausted and do not know how to handle this. I love him and I do not truly beleive this is what he wants, what can you guys suggest for me? Is this common? Do I continue to keep trying? HELP I really need some guidance.
Hi,Meredith,
Hope you are coping with your situation, sad about something and apparently frustrated about knowing what to do. Hope your boyfriend is feeling better. He may still be benefitting from the affection that both of you shared. Maybe, especially if he feels more hopeful, he may seek to renew the relationship even if different than before. He may want his support from people other than his girlfriend. I hope he has sibling(s), parent(s), uncles, aunts, cousins or close long term buddies with whom he has a relationship where he can accept emotional support. My diagnosis and prognosis are less stressful, but I can imagine when a man is faced with a serious disease he can be so overwhelmed that he may act in a way that seems insensitive to a girlfriend. Some of us may think of a girlfriend as a romantic relationship where we want to please and impress the person. When we are feeling sick and are pessimistic about the recovery, we prefer supportive actions/words from the medical staff, a brother or sister, a parent or a close childhood male friend. Until he lets you know differently that he wants you in that small circle and asks if you still want to be in it, your hands are tied. You apparently can only send him positive thoughts. I bet the good thoughts will help--even you don't hear about that positive impact until later. Good luck to you ...and to him.
Dale

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
end stage pancreatic cancer what to expect flowrs6 Cancer: Pancreatic & Liver 117 10-26-2009 09:06 PM
pancreatic cancer end stage what to expect slavkadraskovic Cancer: Pancreatic & Liver 5 12-03-2008 10:41 PM
need information and support (pancreatic cancer) AnnieJ Cancer: Pancreatic & Liver 1 07-28-2008 07:16 AM
pancreatic cancer mysticdolphin80 Cancer: Pancreatic & Liver 4 03-28-2008 09:15 PM
Do Teens Get Pancreatic Cancer? allen93 Cancer: Pancreatic & Liver 6 07-14-2007 06:52 PM

Tags
pancreatic cancer



Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Mel52 (6), Chele60 (2), Flabbergasted (2), mboose (2), Asym (2), ladybud (2), girlwondering (1), Charlyssa (1), Curious One (1), rosequartz (1)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1004), Apollo123 (904), Titchou (847), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (754), sammy64 (668), midwest1 (668), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:54 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!