I haven't talked to anyone since it happened, prefer to be alone. I am blocking everything out, filling my day doing things so I don't have to think about it. Hardest part is at night when I go to sleep, but try to think of things so I don't think about it. If I think about it I will lose the plot, and I'm scared where I will end up. Whilst I write this I feel like a zombie, because I've numbed myself to it all so I don't have feelings, because if you have feelings you're likely to break down, and I don't want to break down.
My mother will be cremated on Wednesday, not sure if I want to go... I just want to keep away from everything.
You know, the thing is, I feel guilty for feeling pain, for being upset - so that's why I'm numbing myself, because the person who felt all the pain was my mother. And I didn't do a damn thing to help her. The worst part is that I'm sure that there is a cure out there for cancer, but the pharmaceutical companies make so much money out of people being ill, that they don't give a ******.
YOu are supposed to cry you are supposed to mourn. That is the normal grieving process. I used to work for big pharma do not even get me started. If you knew how much it cost vs what they charge it is bad.
Go to the cremation. Honor her. I would seek a grief counselor or pastor to talk to. That is what they are there for. Start a log a blog on this, it may make you feel better.
I am so sorry your are in so much emotional pain. In time I hope you will understand that you are not to blame for your mothers death. You do need to grieve and everyone has there own way of grieving, your's right now is to be left alone.
Please do not feel that you did nothing for your mother because you were there for her.
Please feel my many <<<hugs>>> and I hope with time, you will begin to heal and to remember all the wonderful times you and your mother shared.
Please keep coming back and venting if that helps you, I will be here to read and respond and to sent more virtual hugs your way.
This is the only place that I come to when expressing my feelings. I just can't talk to anyone anymore, because when they broach the subject of my mother it hurts to talk about it, so I tell them to stop.
All I do now is stay at home, not even sure if I have a job to go back to, not sure I even care. What's the point?
Just know that I don't want people to know that I am grieving, just want this all to be a dream, keep thinking back to two months ago, when I actually spoke to my mom.
It's horrible, because the only time I break down is when I come back to this forum, it's the only time when I allow myself to cry, otherwise I just want to appear strong.
I dunno, I'm just not in the right place at the moment and I feel guilty for it. I feel so ******* guilty about everything, but if I block it all out I can have a little bit of reality in my life. I just know once I start thinking about everything I'm going to the lose the plot big time.