I really wish that I didn't have to search out this message board, but unfortunately this is where I am right now.
I live in a different town to my mom, so don't get to see her very often - but two weeks ago my brother went up to see my mom and found her in a terrible state, she could barely move, lost a lot of weight, and had collapsed three times while he was there. We had found out that she hadn't eaten for three weeks, and could only pass water, nothing else. My mom hates hospitals, because to her they mean death, she doesn't care if she breaks her leg or whatever, she refuses to go to the hospital. Anyway, my brother persuaded my mother to have a blood test (it was on a Friday and it took him three hours), on Monday the Dr rushed over to her house and said that she needed to be admitted to the hospital as her calcium was through the roof.
I was already on my way to her house at this point, and when I saw her I couldn't contain myself and had to leave the room to cry, she looked so bad. It was so upsetting to see your own mother in this state, where she could barely talk. It took my brother and I two hours to get her to the hospital, but thankfully she went - we got to the hospital and didn't leave till midnight - this was due partly to waiting but mostly due to seeing the nurses then the Dr and then x-ray. The Dr said that there was a 90-95% of Cancer, but a CT scan would determine the truth, so that night she was admitted to the hospital (that was on the 5th July), and she didn't get the CT scan done till the 13th July.
As I had to go back home due to work, my little brother was the only one who could stay - the Dr spoke to him about the results from the scan and also from continuous blood samples. What he said was that her Cancer was pretty severe, and without medication/chemo etc, that she would only have weeks to live.
The thing is my mother has been so difficult with everything, she refuses whatever they ask her to do, to be honest I think it's a miracle that she stayed in hospital - but she is refusing a biopsy, and further more, refusing treatment. She checked out of hospital on Friday, as they can't force her to stay as she can speak for herself, and believe me we've all tried to get her to just do the biopsy so they can determine what form of Cancer it is and go from there. But she won't listen, she thinks that we're all horrible people and she now refuses to speak to my brothers and has said that she will get a court order banning them from coming near her home. I managed to calm her down on Saturday, as she was freaking out - thinking they would come over and force her to the hospital. No one is going to force her to do anything, but if she doesn't do anything...it's going to be too late.
This is all so hard, I feel so scared for my mother, 'cause I know that she is scared and can't deal with any of this, but I don't know what we can do. She just wants to sweep this stuff under the rug, and move on...but the awful truth is she can't.
I just want to block all this mess out.
If anyone has any advice on how we can move forward with this, I would be so grateful.
I am sorry about your mother. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer 6/18 and had everything removed a little over 5 wks ago. It is scary when your told you have cancer. if your mom refuses treatment I don't know of anything else you can do. I am also sorry no one responded to you. These boards for uterine cancer are not very responsive to questions. You take care and I hope things work out for your family.
I just saw your post and I am so sorry for your mother and family - I was more active on this board last year when my aunt was diagnosed with stage VI uterine cancer which had spread to her abdomen. She had surgery and underwent treatment, but we lost her on 3.24.10. I think it was a combination of the cancer and the treatment, which was very difficult and made her very sick.
Do you know what stage your mom's cancer is? You cannot force someone to seek treatment, and the treatment for this form of cancer can be very difficult. The best you can do is support her and whatever decision she makes, no matter how difficult she may be. It was very important for us to support my aunt, even though we didn't always agree with her. This was HER body and HER treatment plan and in the end I wanted to feel like I honored her wishes, not my wishes for her. In a way that's easier, because if you stay focused on what your mom wants, you don't have to be conflicted about going against her wishes. If she dies because she does not seek treatment, that was her decision. If you pressure her into seeking treatment, she does it and it's very hard on her and maybe you lose her anyway, then you are left with that guilt.
At the end of the day, whether the loved one survives the illness or is lost to it, the best the family can do is to just support them every day of their journey.
I wish you well - please let me know how you all are doing.
Soviet I don't think that it is that people do not want to reply but maybe they are like me.......I read your thread and thought of responding and then figured who am I to advise someone else. I have a rare cancer and to date have responded to treatment. Should it recur I will think twice about further treatment and if I decided against I would hope that people would support me in that decision.
Janee, Shellebelle and Ceyayb thank you for your replies. I really, really, really appreciate it, no matter what you have to say, may it be something I don't want to hear or whatever. I suppose I just needed someone to hear me, to know that my mother is going through pain and I just wish it could be over, and to have acknowledgement for it.
I suppose I don't know how to deal with all this right now, I wish I knew.. my moods are up and down, and all I wish was that it was me that it happened to rather than my mother. I wish that no one on earth had to go through this, as Cancer for me personally seeing what it does...is so disgusting. The way it eats away at the person, the way it takes away anything and everything that makes them human.
My mother, was re-admitted to hospital via ambulance, as she collapsed - so for the moment she is in the hospital, hopefully we can get all the tests and scans she needs before she starts telling the Dr's no.
I for one am a person who believes that my mother or anyone, should have the right to decide what way they need to go. But my mother's problem is that the reason she doesn't want help is because she thinks that she will lose her freedom, she doesn't realise that this disease will kill all her freedom to choose, it will kill her. All we want is for her to have is her right to decide whether she wants to survive, and I know she does...I know it, but she's too stubborn, too scared to let us proceed.
The worst thing in life, personally, is the fact that your parents can no longer care for themselves, I just think that's awful.
I'm not sure what stage of Cancer she is at, but from what the Dr's have said it's gotten to the point that she will stop breathing, and when she does, they don't want to resuscitate, because if they do...she will be brought back to a lot of pain and it's not in her interest or something.
Dunno they don't make much sense here in London.
Bless you for replying, and I'm sorry for my outburst, I just let my emotions get the better of me.
Can only say what worked for me but here goes. Just support your mum and try not to be emotional round her. My husband was a mess and I couldn't deal with him and me! It's actually worse seeing what it does to family than what it's doing to you. My son was common sense and practical....there when I needed him but blessedly normal. I was scared, but got past that and got very angry and figured that this was not going to beat me....I have a lot to do. Let your mum work things through and come to terms without pressure.
A non rescus order can be obeyed as it is termed an 'Act of God' Unless someone has a Living Will the hospital has to do all it can for a patient. [Am in NZ, ex UK, and seems to be the same everywhere]
PS There is a very good Cancer Survivors Network site where you can get a lot of information and quick informative replies to questions. Very supportive and positive.
I am sorry to hear about your mother. It is terrible to watch a loved one suffer. My younger sister is suffering from her second bout with breast cancer and sadly she is not going to win the fight. She has two children and watching them care for their mother is enough to tear out your heart.
I can only tell you to try and support your mother the best way that you can. As other posters have said, for a Cancer patient, the decision on the kind of treatment or no treatment is their decision and only their decision. They have to be comfortable with who they are and what they feel is best for themselves.
I feel for you and will be thinking of you and your mother. Let me know how you are both doing.
Today I learnt that there is no hope, that my mother won't get better, she's too weak to refuse treatment, so that is no longer a worry.
All I can think of now is all those who have to suffer the same faint as my mother, a woman who did no wrong in her life, a religious woman who prayed to God every moment of the day.
Even though I don't believe in God, I hope that all those, along with my mother, don't go through any pain, and that the years that they prayed pay off, and that they go in peace to a better place.
Cejayb, well done for getting through this, I look up to those who can fight this horrid disease. The thing with cancer is that it can strike at any time, and with anyone, that's the scary part. If it had only crept up on me, a person with no ties, nothing...rather than my mother who has so much to live for, a woman who has done no wrong.
I am sorry about the news of your mother and you will need to be strong in the time ahead. It is hard but I saw the children and young mothers who were fighting the disease and realised how lucky I was to have been fit and healthy until this crept up. I hope that your mum has had a good life and seen her children grown and happy. Think of the good times and remember her with joy.
I am so sorry for your loss ... please know that she is no longer in pain and she is now free of these earthly/physical limitations. She is at peace now. Please focus on your good/happy memories. Nothing is perfect, but if you find the good and make that your focus, it will help you heal and mourn her loss and rejoice in her life.
Prayers to you and your family,
I did not see it until today. If one does not want treatment you can only try to go to court to force her to get it but she must be proven incompetent, my mom was the same way but in the end she fought it and had cancer 3 x 3 types. i just went through several bad dx myself they did a uterine biopsy. the truth is that even with treatment if it is this late in the game not much that can be done other then offer her pain meds. do not be angry at us. there are org like www.cancer.gov you can call and ask more info i did and i called a top researcher in in Minn.
love your mom now, take a leave from your job, round up famly and friends to see her. that is all you can do for now. i had to do this first for my mom then in ayears time 4 more relatives died 3 from the same type of cancer. i had notify friends family every time. never did it before. she says say no people. ignore her. she will be happy to see old friends in the end after all.
I am so so sorry
Soviet, do what i did when my mom got cancer.
donate to research in her name. join a support group you were mad at us for what you felt no one could do to save her. that is understanable. uterine cancer is one of the hardest to detect early because by time you ahve symtpoms it is too late.
try to take a great sadness and find a positive in it to help othrs. bless you and your family.
I haven't talked to anyone since it happened, prefer to be alone. I am blocking everything out, filling my day doing things so I don't have to think about it. Hardest part is at night when I go to sleep, but try to think of things so I don't think about it. If I think about it I will lose the plot, and I'm scared where I will end up. Whilst I write this I feel like a zombie, because I've numbed myself to it all so I don't have feelings, because if you have feelings you're likely to break down, and I don't want to break down.
My mother will be cremated on Wednesday, not sure if I want to go... I just want to keep away from everything.
You know, the thing is, I feel guilty for feeling pain, for being upset - so that's why I'm numbing myself, because the person who felt all the pain was my mother. And I didn't do a damn thing to help her. The worst part is that I'm sure that there is a cure out there for cancer, but the pharmaceutical companies make so much money out of people being ill, that they don't give a ******.
YOu are supposed to cry you are supposed to mourn. That is the normal grieving process. I used to work for big pharma do not even get me started. If you knew how much it cost vs what they charge it is bad.
Go to the cremation. Honor her. I would seek a grief counselor or pastor to talk to. That is what they are there for. Start a log a blog on this, it may make you feel better.
I am so sorry your are in so much emotional pain. In time I hope you will understand that you are not to blame for your mothers death. You do need to grieve and everyone has there own way of grieving, your's right now is to be left alone.
Please do not feel that you did nothing for your mother because you were there for her.
Please feel my many <<<hugs>>> and I hope with time, you will begin to heal and to remember all the wonderful times you and your mother shared.
Please keep coming back and venting if that helps you, I will be here to read and respond and to sent more virtual hugs your way.
This is the only place that I come to when expressing my feelings. I just can't talk to anyone anymore, because when they broach the subject of my mother it hurts to talk about it, so I tell them to stop.
All I do now is stay at home, not even sure if I have a job to go back to, not sure I even care. What's the point?
Just know that I don't want people to know that I am grieving, just want this all to be a dream, keep thinking back to two months ago, when I actually spoke to my mom.
It's horrible, because the only time I break down is when I come back to this forum, it's the only time when I allow myself to cry, otherwise I just want to appear strong.