i have posted a few times about my mum who had cancer. she passed away on sunday and as i witnessed it all i have some qs...
The resthome had phoned me on saturday to say she had deteriorated and so I took all the kids out for last visit. They talked to her, gave her a kiss and told her they love her (she didnt respond).
Then I wasnt going to visit on Sunday (hadnt thought end was close) and was out with James (my 8 week old baby) when suddenly was gripped by need to visit. This was about 10am so headed out there. When I arrived was told her breathing had changed and they were going to get another assessment from hospice.
So began my days vigil. Her breathing relaxed again after I arrived, and she did open her eyes a few times..not sure if she registered me, but did reach out ?for my hand a few times. So I spent the day holding her hand, talking to her and kissing her etc.
At 1pm they put a syringe driver in as she couldnt swallow meds anymore. There were periods of erratic breathing but at 4.30 my MIL came to relieve me, and they said she was stable. I told mum I would be back later and not to go anywhere. I phoned MIL at 6pm and she said mum was doing really well and breathing had stabilised steady again. So I got back about 6.50pm. Almost as soon as I had told her I was back the breathing became odd again. Although they told me I could probably go home to sleep that night I just didnt feel that was right. My best buddy turned up about 7.15pm and we were talking when I noticed that mum had opened her eyes really open. I dont know if she registered me cos she didnt seem to react when I got in her face, but her eyes really tracked right around the room a couple of times, then she stopped breathing. I collapsed, hugged her and told her I love her etc, then she took another breath which freaked me out and I nearly hit the roof. A couple of more breaths later she stopped again and this time didnt start again. The nurse was there by then (I had rung the bell after she first stopped) and couldnt find a pulse so said she was gone. He asked if I knew someone upstairs as apparently it was one of the most peaceful passings he has seen, no struggle or discomfort.
I am grateful that she wasnt in physical or emotional pain. Just have to get used to life without her now, but it does feel like I am living in limbo waiting until we can all be together again.
so i have a couple of qs for you...do you think mum would have heard/seen me at the end? is it usual for eyes to come open like that right before the end? what could she have been seeing as she tracked her eyes around???any other comments. btw please tell me what you think is true not what you think i want to hear! i just hope they were right that she didnt suffer. I guess i really wish i could know what the experience of it all was like for her, thats what freaks me the most.
I don't think we can ever know for certain, but I've been with 3 people and 3 pets at their moments of death, and I know each one of them knew I was there. In my mother's case, she had been semi-comatose for a week, and the morning she died, I was sitting holding her hand and I knew she was holding on because she didn't want to leave me. I told her it was okay to go, that I would be very sad without her, but that I would survive and be strong, just like she was. As soon as I said that, she opened her eyes as if she was looking at me, and took her last breath. I'm absolutely convinced she was waiting for me to tell her it was okay to go.
I'm not sure if people who are that close to death can actually see us, but I think they look towards the sound of our voices and they definitely can hear us.
The breathing that you described is called "Cheyne-Stokes" breathing, and it is quite common when a person is near death. It is not a "gasping" for breath but rather the body's slow shutting down of its systems. I don't think the patient is even aware of it.
All in all, I think your mum died as peaceful a death as possible. It's so hard to lose someone you love, and I deeply sympathize with you. I hope it will be of some comfort to you to know that you were there for your mum, because I am sure she knew that and it was a comfort to her.
Very often when someone is about to die of a chronic illness, they will become lucid on the day of their death. I personally believe that it is God's way of letting them say their goodbyes.
My father did the same thing. He woke up and asked my mother to let him go. He'd not been conscious for a few days before that.
So, yes, it's possible that she knew you were there with her. Even if she wasn't able to respond verbally to you.
Cheyne-stokes respirations are normal, too. I'm so sorry for your loss, though
I am sorry for your loss.
I lost my mother in July this year to colon cancer. She had been in a nursing home for the last 2 weeks or so of her life and the staff there were very good to her and our family.
Mum was virtually unconscious for the last 2 days, her breathing very laboured. She was taken off all her meds except morphine by IV, and we gave her sips of water or milk through a syringe. On the morning before she passed I opened her window so she could hear the church bells ringing out for morning prayers. She heard them and sat up with a look of surprise and then lay down and slept again. I sat with her off and on that day. Just holding her hand and gently talking to her. At midnight my brother called to say the home had contacted her as her breathing had changed so we both went straight over to sit with mum. The nursing home put a couple of comfy chairs around the bed for us and kept us going with coffee and biscuits.
Even though mum was apparently unconscious, her eyelids were open a tiny bit and when I walked into the room her eyes tracked me but she made no sign of recognition. By 4am, her breathing had shallowed a lot but a little more rattley. At 4.15am her breathing had slowed down to about one breath every 30secs. She then took a deep breath but no air with it. We told her we loved her but that it was time to let go, time for a sleep with no pain and not to be frightened of leaving us cos we all had each other. She took another deep breath with no air. That was the last one. We sat with her for a few minutes holding hands across mum both feeling a deep sense of immediate loss but one of relief that she had passed peacefully in the end and that we were there to offer words of comfort. The nurses came in and confirmed what we knew and then laid her out to rest in her favourite silk pyjamas, combed her hair and placed a single flower in her hand.
I sincerely believe that mum clung onto life despite having no fear of death and a very clear faith in her god. I think she was desperately sad to leave us. The doctors do not know how or why she lived through the last week but mum did not like to be conventional so she was still raising people's eyebrows right till the end.
We were quite well prepared for what to expect right at the end. The Macmillan nurse had given me some literature on what happens to the body when it nears the end. It meant I wasn't frightened although i had to take a deep breath and calm myself inwardly when she took her last few breaths. To anybody who is facing the imminent loss of someone close to them, I would urge them to talk to a nurse or doctor who will at the least, point you in the right direction to find out and prepare yourself for it. It can make someone's passing on much easier on that person and yourself.
I lost my mother to breast cancer in April of this year. The moment she was put on Hospice in her own home, I stayed with her and took care of her. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I watched her slowly let the cancer take her. It took seven years of fighting before she gave in. It only took 22 days from the time she was put on hospice to the time she passed away. She had a lot of good and bad days. The night before she passed away, she woke up long enough for me to talk to her for a little while. She told me she was ready and that I had a journey in front of me. I now understand what she meant. I spent a lot of time replaying her last moments. It was very scary and yet releaving for me and my family. We were all there for her last breath and heart beat. She opened her eyes right before she passed away. My family and I strongly believe God sent her father to get her. She had such a smile right before she left us. I would not give back my twenty-two days I spent taking care of her. I was ready for her death but yet I still wanted more time with her. I am sure your mothers passing was pain free. I am also sure that she felt comforted by your presence when she passed away. Knowing that your love would help her to find her way. Life is always hard and I believe that God challenges us everyday. Just remember the great memories you have of your mother. Do not dwell on her passing. She probably would not want that. I know my mom doesn't want me to dwell on her passing but to remember the great days I had with her.
for anyone who has seen a person pass away 
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