Hi there. I have been watching these boards. I have something to confess. I am not a brave cancer survivor. I am in fact, the perfect example of what not to do if you get cancer. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with breast cancer. It really shook me up. As I reached my 5 year mark, however, I was looking forward to getting my life back. Guess again. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and fallopian cancer. Both were stage one. I went through chemo and surgery again. Then I promptly stopped living. By that I mean I have not gone back to work. I have stayed at home mostly with my nightgown on, and stopped thinking about the future. I have lived life as if I had no future. I have not been a noble cancer survivor. My partner has supported me and taken care of my immediate needs. I told her often that I love her but haven’t really shown my love. It was as if all of my ambition died with that second diagnosis. This was not a metastatic return of my breast cancer but instead was two completely new cancers. How lucky can one girl get? I pretty much decided my life was over and went on to live as if it already had ended, taking my partner for granted and feeling sorry for myself. We just had a long talk during which she told me she feels used and is pretty much wanting to end things between us (which would be perfectly natural for her to do). I am very lucky, however, as she is giving me one more chance (which I don’t really deserve) to grow up and act like the caring partner she fell in love with. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful person in my life. My behavior just goes to show that not all folks who get a cancer diagnosis are selfless, brave, noble people. Would I like to go back and do it all over again? Absolutely! The fact is I can not regain those lost years nor can I give them back to her. I can only go forward from here with the knowledge that when the going got tough, I just gave up. If you are newly diagnosed, I hope you can use my story as an example of what NOT to do about cancer. I wish you well and hope you are braver and more responsible than I have been. As for me, I can only go on from today with the clear desire to be a different person than I have been. Ok I have had a few bad breaks, but I am hardly alone. It is what you chose to do after which determines your character.
Interesting posts---both of you. Two opposite sides of the spectrum. I am trying to be a 'brave' survivor. But scary feelings do lurk behind the facade. I wasn't scared going through my treatments, and I tried to find the meaning behind my diagnosis. The question of 'Why me?'....well, why not me? I have to say I struggle mentally more now as a survivor than I did as a patient. Both of your posts gave me alot to think about
Wogdog---great attitude!!
Scarlett77---best of luck to you; you have helped people simply by posting.
Scarlett - I too got another unconnected cancer 23 years after getting rid of a previous one. Apart from feeling let down by the statistics (1 in 3 get cancer), my reaction was "Oh well I've got rid of it once, I suppose I can do it again" - it is not really a question of bravery or fear or nobility. We've got it (again) and survived (in your case) or expect to (in my case) - I don't think the treatment and its aftermath helps much in the "feeling good about yourself" stakes, but once its over and done with you can probably find some humour in it as well - and there were also many people worse off than you (I particularly remember the young kids who were too young to understand that all the pain and discomfort were for their own good).
Hi there. I have been watching these boards. I have something to confess. I am not a brave cancer survivor. I am in fact, the perfect example of what not to do if you get cancer. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with breast cancer. It really shook me up. As I reached my 5 year mark, however, I was looking forward to getting my life back. Guess again. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and fallopian cancer. Both were stage one. I went through chemo and surgery again. Then I promptly stopped living. By that I mean I have not gone back to work. I have stayed at home mostly with my nightgown on, and stopped thinking about the future. I have lived life as if I had no future. I have not been a noble cancer survivor. My partner has supported me and taken care of my immediate needs. I told her often that I love her but haven’t really shown my love. It was as if all of my ambition died with that second diagnosis. This was not a metastatic return of my breast cancer but instead was two completely new cancers. How lucky can one girl get? I pretty much decided my life was over and went on to live as if it already had ended, taking my partner for granted and feeling sorry for myself. We just had a long talk during which she told me she feels used and is pretty much wanting to end things between us (which would be perfectly natural for her to do). I am very lucky, however, as she is giving me one more chance (which I don’t really deserve) to grow up and act like the caring partner she fell in love with. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful person in my life. My behavior just goes to show that not all folks who get a cancer diagnosis are selfless, brave, noble people. Would I like to go back and do it all over again? Absolutely! The fact is I can not regain those lost years nor can I give them back to her. I can only go forward from here with the knowledge that when the going got tough, I just gave up. If you are newly diagnosed, I hope you can use my story as an example of what NOT to do about cancer. I wish you well and hope you are braver and more responsible than I have been. As for me, I can only go on from today with the clear desire to be a different person than I have been. Ok I have had a few bad breaks, but I am hardly alone. It is what you chose to do after which determines your character.
Scarlett,
I don't think bravery is the issue here. After all, you did what you had to do to fight both cancers....I'd say that's pretty brave. Some people actually refuse treatment because they're more afraid of the side effects, and they end up dying fairly quickly and unnecessarily. What seems to have happened to you is that you got hit with another illness...depression, possibly from being overwhelmed with having to deal with cancer twice, possibly as a result of some of the medications you were/are on. Your last two sentences say volumes...you have the desire to change what's going on, now maybe you just need some help to do so. I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist who can evaluate you for clinical depression and possibly prescribe some medication to get you out of it. Doesn't mean you'll have to take antidepressants forever, but possibly a short (4-8 months) course may just restore you to the person you used to be and want to be again.
I, too, have had two different types of cancer. I had just reached the fourth anniversary of survival from the first cancer when I developed another, totally unrelated cancer. The second one, luckily, didn't require chemo and radiation, just surgery, but it was in my bladder and, believe me, I spent many MANY weeks worrying about whether or not I'd lose my bladder some time in the future, as bladder cancer has a very high recurrence rate.
But something keeps me going. I've often said I have two mottos. One of them is a quote by John Lennon: "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." How true! We plan and plan and then....surprise, we got cancer. But we're still alive. At that point, we can go on planning as if nothing happened; we can continue planning while realizing that all plans may not work out; or we can stop planning and live for the moment...not a bad thing to do, in my opinion.
My other motto is something I saw on a Yoga t-shirt. It said, " Worry is NOT preparation." To me this means that I can research my options and try to make informed decisions, but once I've done that, I have to let go and let God. All time spent worrying is time spent NOT living!
By the way, in addition to having had two different types of cancer, I'm diabetic, have had a heart attack many years ago, have Barrett's esophagus, which is a pre-cancerous condition, have fibromyalgia and a partially blocked renal artery which causes hypertension. I've HAD to learn to laugh at things, or I would have gone crazy. I tell people I'm now going for the Guinness book of World Records as the person who has survived the most serious illnesses. Hey, if I gotta go through all this crap, might as well get an award for it!
But, it's very difficult to have a sense of humor when you're depressed. So, first thing is probably to deal with the depression. In fact, your partner may have been trying to light a fire under you with the recent discussion. I'm willing to bet that she would take your seeing a therapist as a step in the right direction.
Best of luck, Scarlett. I hope your future will be much brighter.
Hope you don't mind my posting here. I just felt such a need to share with you some things about my own cancer and ultimate survival. I write 'ultimate' because while I survived all the treatments 11 years ago for a rare sarcoma, it was not until this past year that I finally was able to find survival mentally and emotionally.
I so agree that it is not just bravery that makes us survive. Oh, we can be brave in treatment... I don't know that I was brave... maybe more scared not to do what the doctors told me to do is more like it. Whatever. I kept on living... physically breathing anyway. The year before my own cancer was diagnosed was a true time of family issues. My father-in-law dies at home alone and we found him there. The week we buried him, my mom was diagnoswed with breast cancer, the next week my dad with lung cancer, the week after my uncle with lung cancer. My dad and uncle died the same day and in between the wakes, we took mom to chemo. I just existed, not lived, during this time. There was no physical time, or emotional room, to do anymore than this. Finally, mom finished treatment and Bang! I was diagnosed. Just kept on keeping on. I went through the motions of life. Survived two bouts of serious clinical depression. Came out of them to functioning levels, but there was no true joy in my life.
Three years ago, I had a heart attack. Blah. There was nothing much left in me spritually, so I just kept on plodding along. Last October, all caught up with me. I had kept myself going physically using pain meds... and somewhere along the way, I crossed a line and started to use them to block out the emotional pain also. I had kept myslf going emotionally by stuffing down all the fears and hurt. When that stopped working, the meds helped to keep me too tired to haver to deal with everything. And in October, I suffered a breakdown so complete, so devastating, that I was once again totally non-functioning physically, mentally, emotionally, and worst of all, spiritually.
And so began an entire year of healing for me. I came off all the pain meds. ( I remain on an anti-depressant). I fought hard and tormentingly to withdraw off the pain meds and Xanax ( prescribed off label for nerve damage). I spent many months in a self-imposed prison of my bedroom and my mind. And I thought about things as there wasn't much else to do. I thought about things a clinical social worker talked to me about. And slowly, little by little, I realized that I had gone through a lot concerning cancer, but I had never finished my treatment.... I had never grieved. So I took all the issues, one by onee, let my mind take the time to relive them, and I grieved for each one. And the counselor helped me understand how to grieve, helped me recognize the need for it, the healing properties of it. And I cried, I wailed, for my father, for my uncle, for my father-in-law, for the hurt my mom had endured. And then, fibnally, I was able to grieve for myself. I grieved for the part of my leg I had losst, for the hurt I felt having cancer, for the bewildering times, the painful times, the sad times that had all been shoved so deep inside of me.
My friend, this last year of my life has been "the worst of times, the best of times, and times that tried my soul." And I am whole again. Whole and happy and finding joy in life again. I learned, after so many years, that we grieve and must mourn the losses, the hurt. We do that, and final healing comes and we are restored and renewed again.
I think it is long time for you, also, to take the final step in treatment and grieve, mourn and cleanse yourself of all the baggage cancer brought to you all these years. For me, I not only didn't recognize the ned, but once it was shown to me, I had no idea how to grieve, to mourn, especially for myself! Yes, as others have said, see a counselor.. maybe a grief counselor. I saw a licensed clinical social worker and it was the prerfect match for me.
Mourning is what finally brougt closure for me. Permission to acknowledge I could feel sorry for all I went through. I have done it now and I am moving forward again in life.
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