Husband with cancer completely shuts out wife - Cancer Message Board

Unimportant · 03-26-2009, 03:58 AM

Hi,
This is my first post and I hope I am in the right area. My husband is 36 and has stomach and prostate cancer in stage 3. He tells me almost NOTHING about what's going on. We have been together almost 7 years. After several treatment changes inculding experimental options he is back on pill therapy. That's about all I know. I ask him to talk to me about things, and he says he doesn't want to because he doesn't like thinking about it. I just found out he belongs to several on-line groups and has phone contact with women from these groups where he pours out all his feelings. What he saves for me is anger and bitterness and short, nasty replies if I try to talk to him about his medical prognosis. He has been begging me to marry him for 6 years, Unfortunately I did a few months ago and I have evidently suddenly become the enemy.
I do understand it must be hard to deal with all of the fear and emotion that comes along with a cancer diagnosis. I don't understand why a person would shut out his wife, children, family, and everyone who loves him and turn to strangers ONLY. I have been dealing with this for months now, and have tried everything from begging him to talk to me about things to just trying to give him space. I am now considering walking away and divorcing him. Can anyone please help me understand why this illness gives a person free reign to emotionally neglect or be downright cruel to his "loved ones?"

mentalmum08 · 03-26-2009, 05:17 AM

Hi,

Just caught your post by accident. Read it. My heart goes out to you. I experienced this with my mother-in-law. She died 5yrs ago. I have been married to her son for 34yrs. 31yrs at the time she died. I loved her to bits. We thought the world of each other. There's not a day goes by when i don't think about her. Anyway, the point i'm making is- she totally turned on me. Shut me out. Was nicer to complete strangers. This totally phased me. In front of all my husbands immediate family round her bed at the end she'd upset me. I used to take myself off to the family room at the hospice and ball my eyes out. One of the nurses noticed this too and gave me a book to read. It went into all the psycho- dynamics of terminal patients. You could bring it all out in a letter to your husband. A tip I've learned over the years when communicating to my husband is to always say "this is how your actions/attitude makes me feel" It sort of taked the pressure of his bad behaviour and makes him more objective. It doesn't always have success because we're imperfect. I must admit I'd feel betrayed if my husband was communicating on-line with females. That's the danger of this on-line detached environment we live in. It might be that your husband finds it easier to deal with complete strangers. Only you can set your boundaries. what you accept or not is entirely your own business. Try and get your husband to see this. Maybe you both don't have enough history to navigate thro this sad time compassionately. Do you have children? Let me know how things pan-out? I promise you I am a female.

Take care

Love sandra xx

Unimportant · 03-27-2009, 08:07 AM

Hi Sandra,
Thanks so much for writing. I should have given more backround. We have been a close couple for almost 7 years, but only married for a few months. Since our relationship began I have lost my Dad whom we were both close to, and 2 Gramma's on my side, one Gramma on his. My Mom went thru the removal of kidney cancer to (thankfully) see a full recovery.... and we have spent a lot of time dealing with the rollercoaster ride of raising his 2 kids from previous relationships. Those boys are now aged 7 and 17 years. So - yes - we have (or I thought so anyway) a very strong relationship that has weathered a lot of life already. About 4 years ago he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, and the tumor was removed surgically. Then a few months later was the stomach cancer Diagnosis. Radiation and chemo pills succeeded in making the cancer completely undetectable, and we were hoping he was done. At that time he was saying he just wanted to not have any more treatments and give up. I did everything I could to support him and help him through all of it for him, his kids, and for us. He used to thank me all the time and say I saved his life by loving him and caring enough to give him the strength to go on. Through the years he has asked me to marry him over and over. I have always been really independant and a bit hesitant. I finally decided he was my best friend and since I couldn't imagine NOT being with him - we got married. Since then it seems all my fears about marriage have been realized. He can be cold and distant and turns only to his on-line friends for any kind of support. He accuses me of being "mean" and "deragatory" about his illness.... I can't even fathom what he could POSSIBLY be referring to. Nothing could be farther from the truth. There are many times he enters the room angry looking and ready to fight or just be nasty. I DO understand I can't begin to imagine what it is like now to know the cancer is in his stomach and prostate. It must be terrifying. But to have gone through this together before and so strongly - then to have him act this way towards me now....... I just cannot understand it. Part of me has started to wonder if he has found some other on-line love interest through one of these groups and he is trying to drive me away. The other part of me wonders if this is some sort of psychological effect of dealing with such a horrible disease for so long. That's why I decided to come here and see if anyone else had similar instances in this type of situation. Your story DOES actually help me a little. It makes me think maybe he is not trying to push me away - he just doesn't know how to handle the stress.
Thank you again.
Caron

mentalmum08 · 03-27-2009, 09:32 AM

Hi Caron,
You sound about as unimportant as I sound like a mentalmum. yeah I have my moments, but it was my eldest daughter that chose this handle. I mean nobody is unimportant, you must just be beside yourself at the moment. I'll leave you to go ahead at your own pace. Take care of yourself. Hope to hear from you soon. I have recieved lots of advice and made lots of anonymous friends. I usually post thro' the Alzhiemers forum because my mum has end stage Alz dementia. It's good to know your christian name.

love sandra xxxx

Unimportant · 03-28-2009, 03:57 PM

Thanks so much. And I am sorry about your Mom. I did follow the promts to "add you to my contacts!" I hope that was the correct choice I was looking for. It really does help to have someone to speak to even online who can relate. This may seem strangely off topic, but the hubby and I are HUGE animal lovers, and we adopted an 18 month old dog today that was to be put to sleep for lack of a home. I know "kids don't solve marital problems," but I am hoping the excitement and love for this new addition may open a door for more communicatoion. I hope all is well on your end of the world - or at least as well as it can be.
Caron