How do I help - Caregivers Message Board

ooley · 12-08-2003, 10:28 AM

I need advice on my situation.

My sister (39 years old) had a liver transplant 2.5 years ago and now her liver is rejecting. She was just put back on the list for another new liver. She is married with no children.

I feel so bad for my parents as my sister has been in and out of the hospital 4 times (I lost count) in the last 2 weeks. 3 of those times were hours spent in the emergency room along with her husband.

My problem is I don't know how I can help. I am constantly asking my parents if there is anything can help them with and they always say no.

My mom called at 9:00 last night saying they just called the ambulance to take my sister to the hospital and I asked my mom if she wanted me to come down and she said no she'll call me and let me know what is going on. She called me at 10:45 this morning and my sister has to go home and wait for the other hospital to call so she can be admitted. I asked my mom if she wanted me to come home from work and stay with my sister so her and dad could go home to get some sleep and again she said no they were ok.

Everytime I ask they say no. Should I just do it and not ask?

Please any advice is really helpful.

Marie55 · 12-08-2003, 01:04 PM

The best thing you can do is "pray" for your sister. Please remember, you have a job and need to be at work. These days many are lucky to have a job at all. Your parents realize this and want you to take care of your job.

Actually, since your parents are staying with your sister, they can rotate off and get some sleep.

There may be a time when your being there will be more important and helpful. If everyone gets worn out at once, that is not so good.

Be patient with your parents at this time, they are doing what they think is best for you and everyone else.

Spinr · 12-09-2003, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ooley

I need advice on my situation.

My sister (39 years old) had a liver transplant 2.5 years ago and now her liver is rejecting. She was just put back on the list for another new liver. She is married with no children.

I feel so bad for my parents as my sister has been in and out of the hospital 4 times (I lost count) in the last 2 weeks. 3 of those times were hours spent in the emergency room along with her husband.

My problem is I don't know how I can help. I am constantly asking my parents if there is anything can help them with and they always say no.

My mom called at 9:00 last night saying they just called the ambulance to take my sister to the hospital and I asked my mom if she wanted me to come down and she said no she'll call me and let me know what is going on. She called me at 10:45 this morning and my sister has to go home and wait for the other hospital to call so she can be admitted. I asked my mom if she wanted me to come home from work and stay with my sister so her and dad could go home to get some sleep and again she said no they were ok.

Everytime I ask they say no. Should I just do it and not ask?

Please any advice is really helpful.

I understand how you feel, I dealth with my grandmother dying of cancer last year and my mom took care of her everyday. I was always asking if there was something i could do and she always said no. I knew i couldn't be there as much as my mom, but i made a point to stop by and bring flowers or food as much a i could. Some people feel that they cannot burden others with their problem and its frustrating for others to understand. Try to do stuff for your parents and sister that they cannot do, like buying groceries, making dinner or buying a small gift like flowers to just cheer them up. Good luck to you, I wish you and your family the best, you are lucky to have each other.

mnemosyne · 12-10-2003, 10:50 AM

I, too, understand. My mom's undergoing chemo, and the burden falls on my dad. I've taken some of the responsibility, but feel like I could do more even when my parents claim there's nothing they need. On the flip side, I'm rejecting my friends' offers of aid because I can't come up with anything to ask that doesn't seem like an imposition.

That said: Spinr and Marie55 had great suggestions. I've a couple more: stop by and fix dinner one night. Take your mom out to dinner. Come by sometime and water her houseplants. Call to say you love her. Despite all the offers of aid ("If you need anything, just ask!"), I've had, only one person has really done anything beyond that. When I was overwhelmed with stuff at my folks' and at work, she repotted two of my plants at work, both of which needed it, both of which I'd been neglecting. I appreciated it more than I could say.

ooley · 12-10-2003, 11:48 AM

Thank you so much for your responses. I am writing this through tears. I just visited my sister in the hospital and she is very bad. I had to leave the room 3 times so she would not see me crying. She is so scared. I can't stand to see her suffer like this. My dad was even crying. I think this is the first time I have seen him cry. Please keep my sister in your prayers.