How can the cared help the caretaker not burn out? - Caregivers Message Board

tmbr1592 · 03-15-2004, 05:59 AM

I have a severe and dibilitating case of fibromyaliga as well as many other auto immune disorders. I have applied for, 2 years ago, and am still waiting for SS. My room mate, my best friend, moved in when I was healthy and we were going to try to just have fun and travel. Then I became sick and had to stop working. My family is of no help. She has, without me asking and on her own, taken it upon herself to help me financially, and as caretaker when she can. She works a 40 hour job in addition to this. I feel like it has drasticlly altered our friendship. Though I ask her often if it's too much, if I should figure out something else, she declines. But I also see her distancing herself from me. We no longer can talk as we did. I cannot talk to her when I'm depressed or feeling a little worse then that for fear I'm either burdening her too much or she'll feel she has to be strong and make me go back to a residential group therapy hosipital for a few weeks for 'depression', when I'm just feeling down and want some one to talk to. I try to ask her how she is, how she is feeling, but she's closed me out. I know how she feels. I was the care taker of my own folks growing up. They were alcoholics/addicts, I an only child. My mother depended on me,used me and abused me all through adolecents. And my father used me as his confidant, confiding in me about his mistress, asking me for advise in what to do at the age of 15. I felt fine then, but later, realized they'd tugged me under the water with them. They were drowning without a rope, and using me as their life preserver, sunk me to the bottom.

And now I'm sure that's how she feels....but I want to help. I want to do something to help her feel less pressure and better about herself.

As the cared, how can I help the caretaker not feel so burnt out and so pulled down by the weight?

northwest · 03-15-2004, 11:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tmbr1592

I have a severe and dibilitating case of fibromyaliga as well as many other auto immune disorders. I have applied for, 2 years ago, and am still waiting for SS. My room mate, my best friend, moved in when I was healthy and we were going to try to just have fun and travel. Then I became sick and had to stop working. My family is of no help. She has, without me asking and on her own, taken it upon herself to help me financially, and as caretaker when she can. She works a 40 hour job in addition to this. I feel like it has drasticlly altered our friendship. Though I ask her often if it's too much, if I should figure out something else, she declines. But I also see her distancing herself from me. We no longer can talk as we did. I cannot talk to her when I'm depressed or feeling a little worse then that for fear I'm either burdening her too much or she'll feel she has to be strong and make me go back to a residential group therapy hosipital for a few weeks for 'depression', when I'm just feeling down and want some one to talk to. I try to ask her how she is, how she is feeling, but she's closed me out. I know how she feels. I was the care taker of my own folks growing up. They were alcoholics/addicts, I an only child. My mother depended on me,used me and abused me all through adolecents. And my father used me as his confidant, confiding in me about his mistress, asking me for advise in what to do at the age of 15. I felt fine then, but later, realized they'd tugged me under the water with them. They were drowning without a rope, and using me as their life preserver, sunk me to the bottom.

And now I'm sure that's how she feels....but I want to help. I want to do something to help her feel less pressure and better about herself.

As the cared, how can I help the caretaker not feel so burnt out and so pulled down by the weight?

Hey,

I am a caregiver for handicapped people(my job) and also helped care for my best friend for a while after her father passed away at a young age (when we were 21). I dont think I did as much for her compared to what your friend is doing for you however, I think the situations are similar. She was very sad and depressed so basically I just let her live in my home, made a room just for her, free of charge, and listened to her when she talked, and understood why she would lay in bed all day sometimes and just wanted to be alone.I made meals for us, helped her with whatever she needed. This experience however changed our friendship also in a way that I cannot really pin point for you.

We have been friends since we were 7 and we still are friends, but friendships are always evolving, people go through life experiences and views/opinions on things change, priorities change, etc. Please DO NOT

think that your disability is the only reason your friend may not seem as close to you anymore. Even if you had never gotten your disorders you and your friends friendship would change either way. Just because the relationship changes doesnt mean that you still cant be friends though.

Honestly, if a person wants to take care of you... its not like anyone is making them. Everyone has a bad day.. and she may seem like she isnt happy as usual, but perhaps its just a bad day.. I dont think she would help you so much unless she really wanted to.

If you want to let her have a little break from helping you.. how about you buy her a coupon to a local spa.. or get a massage for her. Its relatively cheap (spas are usually like 10-15 $ for 30 min in the steam room) and they make people feel like you care about their health and its something they may be able to afford but just dont take the time to do it. So if you buy it she may like it. I dont know what your financial situation is like.. but if you are relying on her completely I can see how that could cause her some stress too... if you can you should try and get on some kind of assistance.. what about welfare or something?? or maybe aleast food stamps so you can help her out with the finances? is there something you could do with your disorder that would allow you to make some money... i dont know how limited you are by your disorder or how old you are... i know some people sell things on **** that they buy at garage/antique sales and make a little profit.. but then you need to be able to get to a post office to mail things, etc. and you may not be able to do that?

overall.. if you want your friend to stay healthy, mentally and physically so she can continue to help you.. try to find things you can do for her that allow her to get some rest so she can have energy to keep up all the things she is doing. you need to keep her moral up otherwise things start to happen like it sounded in your email.

i really hope you can get a caregiver of your own someday? i know it takes a lot to qualify most of the time.. but it would be so beneficial.. your friend wouldnt have to much responsibilty and you wouldnt have to worry about asking for help so much.

take care and keep in touch on these discussion boards!

northwest