caring for a carer - Caregivers Message Board

maytoseptember · 03-06-2001, 08:49 AM

i live with my boyfriend of 4 years and his mum who will come home from hospital on thurs as they say her cancer is too advanced and nothing more can be done. My boyfriend and his mum are very provate people and so don't really want me invovled. i am finding this very hard. Okay I'm not his wife, i'm not her daughter.but i love them obth dealry and i have lived wiht them for the last two yeasr and shared in all the usual houselhold stuff. Is it okay for me to be upset about them shutting me out? Today a social worker turned up to talk to my boyfriedn about arr for home helps to come in. It was very embarrasing to open the door and know bothing of her visit. yesterday my boyfriend went ot see the consutlant. He cam home adn simply said @ i don't want to talk about it@. so i have no idea howu her condition is, what is goign to happen or what i can do to help. i feel useless and left out. am i being childish? Sam

LiceN · 03-06-2001, 06:12 PM

Sam, your statement that "they are very private people" tells the whole story. I know you are feeling hurt not to share this sad time with them, but you must respect their wishes now, and let them come to you. Fade into the background....do what you can, quietly. This is a very emotional time for Mother and Son, and they need this time alone. Don't show your hurt, only concern, and the willingness to help, if needed. Please don't accept their actions as meaning that you aren't loved....it's just the most traumatic time in their lives. I send my sympathy and blessing to each of you.
Betty D.

kristi · 03-07-2001, 01:14 PM

in my opinion you are not acting childish i guess this is just hard for them and if they are private people they don't let the ones who love them most help them..i hope things get better for you...have you told him how you feel??let him know that no matter what you will be here for him...kristi

Borgieskid · 03-22-2001, 08:16 PM

Sam-I agree mostly with Betty D.... this is such an awful time for everyone. Mother and Son are trying to get as much time together as possible. Your presence and support will never be forgotten. There will be times when she needs to talk to you, say things she can't to her son. There will be times when he needs to talk to you as well. So even if you feel left out now, it's not really true. Since guys tend to want to "fix" things, he must be feeling helpless now. It's hard for you too now, they both know that.. Please be patient with both of them. What a good girlfriend you must be! I'm proud of you for wanting to help! Prayers for all of you. Kay