Caregiver for Mother - Caregivers Message Board

TeeTeeLyte2 · 03-30-2001, 05:39 PM

For 6 months, my Mom has been dying before my eyes and my sister and her husband have put my mother in a nursing home and moved into her subsudized apartment. My sister has taken ove my mother's finances and will not put a telephone in the nursing home so that Mom can stay connected to her world; which is getting smaller as she ages. To keep fuss down to a minimum; I have emersed myself in work, but before my 2 hour drive; I go to the nursing home to see my mother. We always talked before she went to bed and almost 4 or 5 times a day. I did not report my sister when I came to L A to find mother had fallen and was soaked with urine. But the physical therapist and MD from Kaiser were aware of my sister leaving Mom home alone for hours without assistance.
How can I make sure that my sister and her husband do not misuse mother's apartment and finances? I do not want to cause any problems, and I made a promise to Mom that I would not; for her sake. But I see mom slowly slipping into a vegetative state which may be prevented with a little care and consideration. HELP!

LiceN · 03-31-2001, 10:59 AM

Tee Tee, has your mother made a will? Do you or your sister have power of Attorney? (This is only good as long as she lives) Who did she make executrix of her will? These are important questions, and what you should do is contact a lawyer concerning this situation. If you feel your sister might not handle your moms finances as they should be handled, DEFINATELY see a LAWYER. NOW is the time to take care of this matter. Don't put it off. A lawyer will know what you should do. Hang in there, and best of luck.Betty D.

Borgieskid · 04-12-2001, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by TeeTeeLyte2:
For 6 months, my Mom has been dying before my eyes

TeeTee--sounds like a lot is going on with you and the family. I can only offer some general help.. If your mom is in a skilled nursing facility, it must be medically necessary. Some people just cannot do skilled nursing, esp. for their loved ones. If her condition is somewhat stable, she could possibly go home with either home health care or hospice. The problem there is the care is not round the clock. If your Mom lives in subsidized housing, chances are she is on Medicaid. There is no money for people on Medicaid, maybe 20 bucks at the end of the month. Maybe your sister and brother-in-law have moved in so your Mom won't lose the apartment? I am a nurse and took care of my Mom in my own home and sadly, there are times when they do become soaked with urine... I might have been taking a shower or making dinner when it happened and just didn't get to her quick enough. Your mom probably tried to get out of bed to get to the bathroom and fell. I am not excusing anyone who intentionally gives poor care, just asking you to think of the whole picture. Many babies wake up every morning "urine soaked". If you promised your Mom you would stay calm, then please stay calm. Keep the lawyers out of it and just talk to your sister, without accusation. Remember that everyone is looking for someone to blame... If these are really your Mom's last months to live, give her and you and your sister wonderful memories to last! Laugh, hug, cry and remember all the good times. Trust me, there is more than enough time when she is gone to point fingers... if you need to. God bless you for seeing your mom every day, how important those visits are.. Why don't you put the phone in her room? You might even be able to get a deal from the phone company.... Best of luck to you and yours..

and my sister and her husband have put my mother in a nursing home and moved into her subsudized apartment. My sister has taken ove my mother's finances and will not put a telephone in the nursing home so that Mom can stay connected to her world; which is getting smaller as she ages. To keep fuss down to a minimum; I have emersed myself in work, but before my 2 hour drive; I go to the nursing home to see my mother. We always talked before she went to bed and almost 4 or 5 times a day. I did not report my sister when I came to L A to find mother had fallen and was soaked with urine. But the physical therapist and MD from Kaiser were aware of my sister leaving Mom home alone for hours without assistance.
How can I make sure that my sister and her husband do not misuse mother's apartment and finances? I do not want to cause any problems, and I made a promise to Mom that I would not; for her sake. But I see mom slowly slipping into a vegetative state which may be prevented with a little care and consideration. HELP!

[This message has been edited by Borgieskid (edited 04-12-2001).]

TeeTeeLyte2 · 04-13-2001, 11:29 AM

Thanks LiceN and Borgieskid. I really, really appreciate your suggestions.
We do not have money for a lawyer and all I can do at this point is utilize Quicken Family Lawyer's softwear program to get something legally in writing. But, I can only pray that we can make her comfortable in spite of the nursing home and her health problems.
I appreciate anyone's input and I realize there is no easy answer. I am simply trying to prevent and ill feelings towards my sister and her husband (while Mom is alive) in spite of they way they have taken over.
Prayer and Luck have always been on my side and yesterday, I found a convalescent home within a few blocks of my Los Angeles apartment. I spoke with the staff and they are at this moment getting the face sheet, medication and health history faxed to them so that Mom can be #4 on their waiting list. I just had a friend to lose her mother suddenly and she was not even sick. This situation, along with LiceN and Borgieskid's sincere suggestions has given me focus on how to proceed. My only problem now will be to move out of the way and let God take over, whatever HIS will may be.
Thanks again.

starr · 04-15-2001, 10:20 AM

hi, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Mom has come to live with me to die. It has only been 2 weeks. she was staying at mt sisters for 6 months, now it is my turn. My sisters kids are grown, mine are 5&9. Mom arrived with an infection, which made her not be able to move at all, My sister said she could at least pull her pants up and down, and get to the bathroom with her walker with guidance. I had a back injury in 98, so I have to be careful, I'm only 42, work out alot, but you know BACKS!

We have decided not to put Mom in a nursing home, she was a great Mom, we just couldn't. Well, yesterday was her 70 birthday.I got balloons went to pick up her Mom who is 91. I had a splitting headache, so I was in my room for awhile, letting them have their visit. Nana is in great shape, walks everywhere, very alert, but still 91. Nana was reading her cards, my kids running around. They called me for a cigarette, my temper was on edge, I said "doesn't anyone in this house know how to do anything but me" I was meaning husband, children, grandmmother, mother. I was starting to lose it and went back upstairs.Then I cooked dinner for everyone, ate nothing myself, once again, keep on losing weight the wrong way, through stress, my kids started with a fever and cold, I've been ignoring their needs for 2 weeks. I was hoping it was the adjustment, plus her infection is starting to go away, so she is getting stronger. Well, I gave her dinner, she started screaming at me" How dare you leave me alone with that woman for 6 hrs? This has been the most miserable birthday I have ever had. " She has something against her Mom which I cannot be involved, Nana always wants to know why she can't come over, what do I say? Because Mom can't stand you? So, my anger was boiling inside, I looked and felt like hell, so I told Mom that she better start being a bit more grateful and that her Mom came over to give her presents on her birthday, and if she has a problem she needs to tell her, I will not be involved. In the meantime, Nana heard the whole thing, mom is 95% blind, she was insulting Nana right in front of her. I said Mom, Nana is here. Thank you she said in an evil and angry manner. Well, after my comment to her, she threw the dinner in my face, across the room. It ended up being a brawl. Nana was crying, I was shaking, and Mom said she was walking out the door to Nanas the one she can't stand. I cried for hours, needed to take 3 lorazepam, should of earlier in the day.

Had a long talk with my husband. Mom needs to understand that her DRS believe she should be in a nursing home, WE are doing this out of love and care for her to be more comfortable. Nursing homes are horrible.Mom was in one for a month, 7 months ago, we don't want to bring her back. They want the patient to be totally dependant, they put you in diapers, there are lunies running around.

At the end of the night, after I tucked her in and did the nightime routine I explained to her that if she was mad at me and not comfortable that a nursing home will only give her a moldy piece of ham, AND WILL not bring her out to SMOKE when she wants. I told her i was doing the best I could, and that there had been too much anger in me right now, I have to let it go, and go to bed. And that I didn't want to fight anymore.I know she feels like a burden, she has said this to me, although i say no. I have GAD and panic, my DRS say this is only going to make matters worse for me and my own family. My sister said that she can't take Mom back, she needs to make money, she devoted 6 months to mom, spoiling her. Well, I cannot do that for my own mental sanity and my family. I am a wreck, and it has only been a bit over 2 weeks. I've already had to call 911, neither my husbdand or myself could pick her up, she was sick. Hopefully things will get better, last week it started with a nurse, a home health aid to bathe her, a PT, and OT.I had given her 3 baths in 6 days and was in serious pain. This is 24 hr care even if they aren't on any medication. Mom needs more care than a baby. I'm trying my best, but I am human, how much can I handle?

Just so everyone knows: When terminal illness strikes your parents, the siblings seem to always have disagreements, its happening with us, and some others I know. It comes down to $$$ and care, nothing is a free ride, my sister lost alot of income, now we are. My sister is POA, I have access to maybe 20,000$, which i plan to use if need be. I cannot drain my family either, like my sister did. I am different from her, I'm very open, realistic, and see my boundries. Mom bossed my sis around, I cannot let that happen. My whole family is suffering so far in every aspect, even my health, I look like hell.

Just want you all to know, I know how hard it is to see your loved one suffer, it is so hard. Also, if someone is put in a nursing home, insurance only covers a certain amount of days, then it comes out of your own pockets, unless you have no money. Nursing home expenses are from 3000$-10,000$ a month. It cost so much, because thse elderly people require so much care. Anyhow, if you bring someone home to die, BE PREPARED. I thought I was. I'm going through hell. And anyone who reads this I wish the best to you and your family, it is not easy!! Any suggestions, or if I can give you my 2 cents and support, please write back. Wendy Happy Holiday!