Looking for some support and want to share in helping others - Caregivers Message Board

PHeath60 · 12-28-2001, 04:21 PM

Hello,

My name is Patty. I am 41, and am so glad to find this message board! I hope you will bear with me as I give some background information?!
I have Systemic Lupus, Fibromyalgia and degenerative disc disease and ongoing knee problems that have required 8 knee ops in the past and 2 this year.
My husband is a hard working loving guy who has never complained about my limitations and is a great support. He does get overloaded as my caregiver at times and we openly discuss our frustrations/his frustrations and we have a very good and open dialogue.
Our/my problem is that we are caring for my 77 year old mother..(She has lived with us 10 of our 13 years of marriage..only gets 200.00 a month in Social Security) She and I have never really had a good relationship...she was brought up to never discuss problems, issues or health. She has hypertension, cateracts and arthritis. She is getting more frail by the day, but her emotions are a rollercoaster...and with my Lupus, it makes it very difficult. She is always upset at how we take care of our house, what decisions we make etc. There are no family members left for her to be with...my father died when I was 4 and my brother died 5 years ago.
She has played with her medications for hypertension, taking herself off of some of them, and refusing to go to the doctor to get her last ones renewed. She doesn't shower or bathe, but takes sink baths (she used to be almost overboard on cleanliness etc)...she will never tell us when she needs something unless we are going out on errands for ourselves and then asks us to make stops for her..(very often we have asked her earlier if she needed something when we were going in that direction and she says no) We try to get her to come with us on her own errands and she refuses. She won't eat with us or share any family time with us. She refuses everytime we ask her. We have given up trying...yet she complains that she never gets to go anywhere.
She seems trapped in the past and only wants to watch the News 24 Hours a day..she goes to sleep with CNN on and wakes up with it on. She doesn't want to get involved with any activity centers or other people her age.
I am almost at the end of my rope..I am not sure what to do, or what to say....I get so frustrated I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. My health has been really bad of late, and it makes things even worse for us all.
Any suggestions? We have tried so much and feel like we have no resources.

Thank you for listening

God Bless..

Patty

[This message has been edited by PHeath60 (edited 12-28-2001).]

redjoy · 12-28-2001, 06:37 PM

Patty, I know EXACTLY how you feel, I actually had my mother living w/me since age 50, she's 89 now. I only had a couple of yrs break. I never really got along w/her to begin with so it's hard. She was living in a senior place for awhile then broke her hip & came back here. We took care of her & couldn't go anywhere for 2yrs. I am also raising my grandson who is sickly. My problem now is I have resentments which I don't like to have, I have gotten no help from my brother & his wife. She stayed w/them for awhile yrs ago & hurt her ankle & was brought right back to me in a wheel chair while we had the house for sale. I know how you feel it isn't right for only one person to take everything on. My health was getting very bad, irritable bowel syndrome lost all kinds of weight, husband sick & grandson on IV & my mother was driving me crazy, so demanding. I decided to put her in an assisted living, w/her SS & asked my brother for help, they give 100.mo & I have to give 100.mo & since it takes all her money I have to buy her things & also run over all the time & take her out. They don't live here & have always had freedom I haven't & still do. I finally told them what I think & we're not talking but I couldn't be a phony anymore. So you see even if there is another family member they don't always help. Have you gotten in touch w/senior services where you are, they send someone to help give showers or can help w/things. My mother lived in a senior place & only pd what she could afford. There's got to be an answer for you to get help esp when you don't feel good. I will keep you in my prayers.

PHeath60 · 12-28-2001, 07:11 PM

Hi redjoy....THANKYOU so much for answering my post!! It makes such a difference to know that I am not alone in this....!!! First and foremost I am sorry that you have had to go through the difficulties you have! Sometimes it seems so overwhelming doesn't it? I will keep you in my prayers too!!

One thing about my mom that I forgot to mention: She was brought up in England, during World War II..and they were very very prim, proper and private over there...even FAMILY didn't help in private care etc. If I brought someone in to try to help..she would just lock herself in her room and refuse to talk, answer the door or anything. Also she has a real problem with Denial...when she lived alone 15 years ago, she got herself into so much trouble with not facing reality (ie spending money unwisely and then lying about what was going on...such as one winter she told me that electric company was working on lines and she was without electricity ..I called the company and they told me they hadn't done any work, that she just hadn't paid her bills...I had to bail her out so many times).

And I had the same thing happen with my brother before he died...he had mom come stay with him and his wife..but his wife said "It's either her or me, take your pick"...obviously she was shipped back to my husband and I...Mom is realllly difficult to live with.

I too have the resenments that I don't want to have, and I feel guilty about them..and I always seem to be sucked into the "fight"...I wish I could just let her be the way she is without it bugging me

Thank you so much for hearing me vent...it really helps!! I will keep you in my prayers and I hope that things work out better for you...I would be glad to keep posting if you would like?

Take care

Patty

redjoy · 12-29-2001, 06:46 AM

Patty, it's funny (not really) but my mother was raised to have too much pride (irish) also. She was flipped out when someone came to do her shower because she only had one breast, it was a woman but that didn't matter. I have a bad back & couldn't do it. Now she has a walker & won't go anywhere since someone might see her. I was brought up very proper & always be a lady. I will say my brother did offer to take her awhile ago because I was in bad shape emotionally w/her, I sd ask your wife & it was never brought up again. His wife feels it's my mother I should do it. It gets depressing always taking care of people & having no life of your own. How old is your Mom?

PHeath60 · 12-29-2001, 07:05 AM

Hi again ...gosh it seems that our mothers are cut from the same mold! Maybe it is the european upbringing? My mother is 77 years old...she just turned it in August...but she is already telling people she is 78. Does your mom mess around with her meds and not do what the doctors say??

Thanks for posting back! It really is helping

Patty