why? - Caregivers Message Board

sarah24 · 07-26-2002, 09:33 AM

why does it seem that everyone inthe world just turns their back to problems? How busy can you be? How hard is it to just come over and help for one day, just to give me a break? I hate everyone. Nobody has any sense of loyalty to family, and morals, any compassion for other lives other then their own. Thats right I am bitter. I am the only one that does anything. I can be busy too. I don't think I will be calling my brother and sister anymore for the rest of my life. I am the only one who will take care of my father, and so far all I have got from it are negative feelings. so I guess I found out who my real friends are and who my real family is. The trouble is I just shut out almost everyone I used to talk to before I had to take care of my father. I am so angry!!

drs · 07-29-2002, 06:10 AM

Is there anyway hospice could relieve you for a day or two? I know all about not getting any help with the other kids, I took care of my mom at my house for 3 yrs, then when her health got better I found an apartment for her and now one of my other sisters goes to clean over there. So at least I'm not having to do it all anymore. I feel like I got my life back. Talk to some one from social services....You can't keep doing it all alone, or you'll just keep dragging yourself down. Diana

emeraldbee · 08-04-2002, 12:34 PM

Sarah,
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so angry and depressed. Not to make an excuse for them, but part of the problem may be that your family members are in denial. They don't have to face the reality of your father's condition if they're not having to take care of him.
Do you live with your dad? or nearby? It's very easy to convince themselves that they are not needed because someone is ALREADY there. Do you have respite in Ca? Has the family considered hiring a CNA? weekends or a couple days ( or 1/2 days) per week? At least that way your brother and sister only have to put up money, if they can't stand coming over, and it would give you a break. Is your father in a position to pay for his own care for a portion of the time? (i.e. pension or retirement?)
Keep using the site as an outlet and source of support, because unless your father is in a coma, he is probably picking up on the tension between his children and, like many parents and invalids, blaming himself.
Last, but not least, you may have to force brother and/or sis to action. Let them know that you are unavailable and one of them will have to step up to the plate if they don't want daddy 'left out in the cold'. They'll try to guilt you, bully you and anything else they can think up. But know this, if you don't put your foot down and make THEM start acting like his children with the same responsibilities as yourself, the only thing you're going to gain from being the marthyr is an early grave. And guess who'll be taking care of daddy then?

BridgetP · 10-12-2002, 01:07 PM

Sarah,
You took the words right out of my mouth! My mother in law lives with my husband and I (married for only 4 yrs). She has Alzheimers and Parkinsons. She has NINE childeren, 8 of which live within 15 minutes from us. NO ONE calls her or comes by! They havent talked to her in at least 2 months , some as long as 5 years! If it werent for MY family I would never get a break!!! Bridget

Debbie68 · 10-12-2002, 05:08 PM

Sara,
I understand how you feel and what you're going thru. It's easy for everyone else to "pass the buck" because they know you'll be there for your dad, so it takes the pressure off them. Iam in the same boat. I've looked after my mom for almost two and a half years, and my brothers' idea of helping out is calling her on the phone once a week! Iam feeling pretty bitter myself. My aunts and uncles live close to me, but I never see them!. I think you should reach out and tell these people in your life you need a break! Take care of yourself first or you won't have the energy to look after your dad. I talk to a social worker at the hospital, and I have also phoned the crisis line, when I felt I was going to snap!. If you call they can give you numbers to support groups that will put you in touch with people like yourself who are caregivers.
It really does help just to talk with people even if you don't know them that well.
Well take care I know exactly how you feel.