why does my mother hate me? - Caregivers Message Board

Debbie68 · 10-12-2002, 05:01 PM

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in May/2000.
She has gone thru radiation and chemotherapy. Drs. told her she had six months to live, she has already lived much longer than the prognosis. She had to move in with my longtime boyfriend and I in Jan. of this year. It has really put a strain on my relationship, to say the least. The problem is she's become very hostile toward me, it makes living in my own home uncomfortable, and Iam afraid of her!!
Last Sunday she told me to f-off, said I was selfish, ungrateful among other things. She lays around in her room all day, only coming out to get dinner(which I cook!) then scurries up to her room again. She is treating me like sh#t, and I don't know how much more I can take. Last night I thought I might snap. Does anyone know why her personality has changed so drastically? Is this a progression of her cancer? I can't live like this.

[This message has been edited by Debbie68 (edited 10-14-2002).]

[This message has been edited by Debbie68 (edited 10-24-2002).]

berto · 10-13-2002, 09:22 AM

Sorry honey - I am sure it's very difficult.
My mom died of cancer a few years back and at the end -she didn't even know who I was. There were many up and down days; but somehow we all made it through. I am sure things are/were said that hurt; but things just go on. Somehow hang in and be TEFLON when you can .i.e. let things slide off - this is in no way easy to deal with. Smile when you can K.

Mmcginty · 10-19-2002, 10:57 PM

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear that you are being treated poorly. Has your mother been to the doctor lately? It might be that her cancer has spread and that might be causing her change in personality.

I hope things improve soon,
Michelle

zionspegasus · 10-19-2002, 11:47 PM

My mom too has cancer and I am her caregiver. Plus my dad had cancer a few years ago. Both cancer and the treatments can affect personality. So be sure and talk to the dr about these symptoms. But I can also tell you that my mom is a very difficult patient, she was particular independent before this and it is hard on her to be dependent on others for her care, this causes her say mean things at times out of her own frustration. Also I notice that she gets crabbier when she is suffering more pain.

Marie55 · 10-22-2002, 09:33 PM

I took care of my terminally ill mother-in-law in our home for several years. We always had a great realationship "until" she got worse. Due to her frustrations she vented them on me. This is natural usually, they vent on the person close to them, the one taking care of them. Elderly parents do not adjust to the parent/child reversal very well.

Think about it, your mother not only has this illness but she has moved from her own home, does not have roots so to speak, knows her time is limited. Frustration galore has built up and you just happen to be the one to catch the ugly outbursts.

Like someone said, let things slide off and remember the good times with your mom.

I found an elderly lady to come visit my m-i-l once a week and fixed lunch for them. This way my m-i-l had a friend even tho her mental status was not that good at that point.

In a way your mom is all alone except for you and it is hard on her. It is hard on you being the caregiver. Been there and walked in those shoes.

If you can, when she is talking ugly to you, smile and say "I love you mom" and mean it. She will not get her jollies by being ugly.

If she is able to go out and socialize at all, try getting her involved in a senior citizen center or day out so she can be with others her age. She has been a suvivor and still has a life, find a way for her to channel her energies in a positive way. This will help you tremendously.

Walking in a caregivers shoes is not easy, God bless you and your mom. Remember the good times.