frustrations of daily life - Caregivers Message Board

texas109 · 08-20-2002, 10:04 PM

Hello, I am a recent caregiver by profession and by home circumstances. I live with my boyfriend and his mother. His mother is in the mid to last stages of terminal cancer.

She recently moved in and requires 24/7 care. I quit my caregiving job and began taking care of her. This home situation is fairly new. We are all still adjusting to her moving in and requiring all that care.

I am very much out of sorts. I feel like I am at work 24/7. My boyfriend works the better part of the week so he is not around much. He does what he can but at times that barely makes a dent.

For the first month of her being here she had no medical insurance coverage and her pain medication was rapidly being used. The cost of replacing the supply was out of our means. I moved heaven and earth to get her on SSI and Medicaide. I found charities to help pick up the cost of medication. While I was doing this my boyfriend and his mother felt that I was doing too much. Yet while they were feeling this, there hands were tied becuase it had to get done and they could not do it. My manner of handling things can be abrasive and it abraded our relationships. Once she got covered I backed off and did not do anymore then what I was asked to do.

That frustrated me very much. I am supposed to help her with all her basic needs and my input on how to work the medical costs or doctors visits is unwelcome. They do not adress any of the issues that seem to need to get adressed. A recent visit to the doctors office resulted in an arguement because I asked the doctor questions to issue that, in my view, desperately needed taking care of.

I feel like I am in limbo. I am to do everything and nothing at the same time. I am stuck in the "You are just the girlfriend/caregiver role."

I am told that by taking care of my boyfriends mother I am being very noble and caring. Noble and caring do not pay my bills. Noble and caring leaves me drained and in bad light with my loved ones. Noble and caring has me seeing a therapist. Sigh, noble and caring are things I must be 24/7 and I do not know if I can handle it.

There are the issues of home health care, hospice, and eldercare agencies that may help. I have mentioned the issue. If I mention it again, I am pushing the issue and who am I but a girlfriend?, to push the issue.

This is a long list of my daily frustrations. Like most of us. I am the only caregiver and no other family to help.

drs · 08-21-2002, 10:50 AM

Texas, I hear you on the part of feeling that your hands are tied in this issue. You want to help I know but obviously some of it is unwelcome. Your going to need to take a stance in saying... if you went back to work they will need someone to come in and help. Tell them you need to get back to work, then they will be interested in looking for someone to come in...see what I mean?
I took care of my sick mother for 3 years with no help from family, I know how you feel, and this was my own mother. Diana

drs · 08-29-2002, 08:01 PM

Texas how are things going. Diana

texas109 · 08-31-2002, 12:54 PM

Hi, My handling things kept making the homelife worse, so I just quit. I am still the primary caregiver for my boyfriends mother. I still take care of her basic needs, pick up her medications, and take her to the doctor, but that is all I do. Unless asked I do not call the doctors. I will not talk to the doctors. I will not hunt down several months supply of medications. I will not make sure she has all the necessary paperwork when taking her to the doctors.

I really did quit. I do not treat her any different and still see to the needs mentioned above. There are issues like pain management and digestive system issue, that need to be adressed, but they won't be brought up by me. I was talking to a counselor about my situation and she said it souned like the family was in severe denial. Until they came out of it there was not much I could do to improve the homelife.

I feel really guilty because I know that by my quitting I made my boyfriend, and his mom's life difficult. I refuse to be put in the position where I am the object of everyones anger because I am taking care of issues that desperately need to be adressed.

My quitting has made my stress levels come down immensely. It has made homelife a lot more tolerable for everyone else too. We are functioning quite well in a very dysfunctional way.

Texas

drs · 09-02-2002, 04:47 PM

Texas, good for you!!!! Your health was going to be compromised next!!! Stess is very unhealthy as you well know. I've read some studies recently that point out that stress can actually dehydrate us and that drinking more water helps this? Kinda interesting I thought.

I'm not too sure I would want to even be living in the situation you are in. Are there no alternatives? Like getting your own place, and still dating or seeing this guy. I'm sure you love him, why else would you be putting up with all this. Right?

Man, I feel for ya. What a situation. When you say you have quit, does that mean that you are going back to work or are you still taking care of her all day every day. This can be a real stressful thing to do, I know too well. Diana