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nanna02 · 02-08-2003, 05:47 AM

Hello, there .
I wonder if anyone who has had the experience, or any ideas, what I can do regarding my husband?

I have had 3 rare- type Spinal Cord ops.over 2 1/2 years ,leaving me with S/Cord Nerve Damage, but as nothing has improved at all in spite of the ops, my husband has been getting very angry and brings it out on me !..
I use crutches permanently even at home, (or a wheelchair going out at present,)
I do all my personal care, showering.,cook his meals when possible,
I have a girl do vaccuming , clean bathroom .. once a week for 2 hours .
.. he works all day , I stay inside 24/7 unless he takes me out to Town,usually once a week, or a visit 1 day in weekend.
I can't venture out on my own,but look after myself best as possible.

When we do go out,and I can't walk up our steep walkway or get into the car , he starts venting right there at me ..
other day he was screaming at me so badly at the top of the path, I nearly collapsed on the ground due to using crutches, and I cried and cried .
I nearly sent myself off to Psych. Services that time, I was in such a state !!.. He came home later and apologised , but all I ask is for him to THINK before he vents like that at me!
.. I am holding myself together and being so POSITIVE for the both of us ..Trying SO HARD, I don't need negativity .I've explained things will work out in the end one way or the other.. he just can't see ahead .
I know it's hard for him.. but he's so fIT, he can do all his Hobbies,Run around all day , Hunting every weekend .. nothing stops him.. never misses out on anything.. Can NEVER accuse me of stopping his life !! NEVER!..
We have been married 32 years.2 grown kids.

I don't want to do this to him, I feel guilty just not walking properly ,
but as I say...

.." It could happen to YOU sometime, then you'll understand what it feels like to be DEPENDENT on someone.! Not a good place to be !"

My Dr has been very good and understands our struggle,says she takes her hat off to us for battling thru so long.. We only have each other.. no close family to help as all work.. our kids have own lives , new babies etc.

I wonder if any one has any views on being on the OTHER side of caregiving ?
Your views or suggestions may be helpful for me ?.. Thank You..

Belle

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A Friend!

Kimianne · 02-08-2003, 02:27 PM

Hi belle0050:

How are you doing today?

I was almost in tears when I read your post.

I think your husband is probably scared and does not know how to deal with your plight. However, he has got to start realising that you are ill here and he is making it so much harder for you.

It reminds me of the stories you hear where children are taking care of elder parents and treating them like this. It breaks your heart.

He needs to get to a support group or something so that he can learn to deal with these issues and not contiue to berate you and make you feel like this.

Is there anyone that you can turn to for immediate emotional support? I mean these boards are here and they are wonderful and supportive. But sometimes you need immmediate support.

If this continues to you have an option to move with one of your children or something? I am not taking a 32 year marriage lightly nor am I suggesting that you leave him.

But you are a person and need to be taken care of emotionally as well as the help you need physically.

I wish you luck. Please come back and let us know how you are getting on. I wish I could do more.

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Kimi

[This message has been edited by Kimianne (edited 02-08-2003).]

nanna02 · 02-09-2003, 04:36 AM

Thanks Kimianne ..

My daughter is a wonderful young woman, but doesn't like to take sides .. besides there have been times where I know she thought I was being horrible to him, but she didn't know what he was doing to me ..
she doesn't live here and he would talk to her away from me ..
so I had no idea what was said .. She'd say " Don't bring me into it " if I tried to tell her.
She has her own life , a baby due right now, and our son has his own life ..So I don't bother anyone (.lost my Mum 20 years ago)

I have one very good friend who would be there to listen, but her husband is home during day , so I don't like to disturb,
and most other people just ask " How are you ?" but that's enough , they really don't want to go any deeper, or are too busy to have time to care .

I like to confide here on the Message board , as it's confidential and private .Some I used to write to wouldn't possibly even know me now .

Anyway, I go to the Orthotics Dept in the morning , to see why my foot/leg is not manouvering /walking properly in my brace . If we get a good reason WHY this is happening , then maybe he'll feel a bit happier .
And YES, I know he's scared , hates watching me go thru all I have and I feel sorry for HIM, but he has to pull h/self together, to help keep ME going !!.
I hear it so often.. " Oh he's scared, poor guy " and everyone feels sorry for HIM.

But they don't seem to think how I FEEL !
"Oh. she manages so well, always so positive !" they say. If they only knew !
I'd like someone, my Dr for example, to see how he screams and rants when things go wrong with my foot.. they'd get a SHOCK!!.yet I'm supposed to just accept and deal with it.???

And leaving ?.. I have offered so many times to leave him if he wants me to go.. Stop causing him so much stress ,- he has said he has thought about it , but has not made any move on that one.
I have talked and talked ,etc. tried to make him feel loved more , and it may be getting thru the brainbox a wee bit , but time will tell.
Our sex life is only for him , as I have no feeling internally due to the nerve damage ..Nothing can be done there either. Great !!eh?

SO, I feel really SAFE .. I must say ??!.. Lose my Mobility , then maybe my husband and my home ?.. Great prospect to look forward to eh?..Then again.. WHY SHOULD I?!
Now , please don't think I'm being negative here .. I'm not .. had 3 years to sort it all out in my head , and I just look at things truthfully. No frills.

Any way Kimmianne , Thank You for Replying to my post

..
I will check in with you and let you know how things work out . Nice to know someone cares .

Love Belle xxx

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A Friend!

Autumn Angel · 02-09-2003, 10:12 AM

I am sorry Belle but I have NO sympathy for him and the way he VENTS at you. What is he thinking?? If its like you say and his activities are not limited and he is still doing everything he would normally do whats his problem? You even cook for him when you can and still have sex?? And its not for you that you are having sex doesnt he see that? Does he see anything that you are going out of your way to do for HIM?? I am sorry I dont know your whole situation but he has no right to yell at you and make you upset. It is you that has to come to terms with your condition and if he is upset and frustrated maybe he should see a counselor and get help dealing with his feelings instead of making things worse for you. And you mentioned you would leave if he wanted you to? Why would you be the one to leave? Sorry if I have been too harsh about your husband but I see it with my parents at times too my mother is 77 years old she has colitis and other conditions and Dad treats her like she has nothing...He complains if she takes a pain pill saying she probably doesnt need it and it makes me mad..No one knows how us people that have to live with pain day in and day out feel!! If they could take our pain for just a day maybe they would lighten up and see how it really is. God bless you Belle and I hope your husband takes time to get over himself and take a look at whats really important here and thats standing by the one you love. Take Care.

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Cheers...Autumn
Female...42
TMJD...12 years
Anxiety/Panic Attacks (cured I hope)
Total Abdominal Hysterectomy due to endometrial bleeding after miscarriage (2002)
Hernia Repair(1998)
Apendectomy (infected) 1988
21 year old daughter born with Mullerian Aplasia
18 year old daughter bulimia survivor.
If I can help ANYONE with anything from a papercut to a life threatening illness, I will do my best just to be a friend. " A friend is someone who knows all your faults and loves you anyway".

nanna02 · 02-11-2003, 12:29 AM

Thank you Autumn,for your reply .

The trouble is I devoted myself( fool me !) for the whole 28 years of out marriage, as he wanted everything all his own way , doing his sports , etc. and I had no say in what he did and that's the truth!..
He was very selfish for years , leaving me with the 2 children sometimes all weekend, or even 1week /10 days hunting at a time, therefore I was Mother and father to them for years.!
I didn't want our kids to be without a Father as I was, so I tolerated his selfishness, though I hated it.
I had no Father since I was 4, and my Step Father sexually abused me when I was 8- 13 yrs,: I left home at 15 1/2yrs and stood on my own 2 feet , ( I really still needed my Mother then!)

At 17 yrs I met my now husband, did lots of good things together, got married at 19 yrs,( no idea at all he was going to go away like he did !!No sign of that till we got married . !)
and that is why I stayed with him ,as he was all I had .
Our kids say how I was Mum and Dad to them, always there for them etc. , yet he has been a good Father to them now as they've grown up.. So at least he's redeemed himself to them..
I just need him to understand what it's like to be in pain , unable to walk properly & DEPENDENT totally on him just until I get this sorted out !..

Leaving him doesn't seem a good option as I'll be on my own again, and is that what I need/want really ? I don't know.?
Having this disability would be scary on my own !!

..
I have nothing much of my own, I can't work/drive.. have hardly any friends way up here.
I do have a strong Spirit and belief in myself but that gets a bit thin at times when he behaves this way. !!.

So I'll wait and see how things go, .. but if it does become so unbearable I can't stand it .. well I may have no choice .
(I did go for a weekend once a while ago and he was sorry .. so maybe he needs another taste of that if he doesn't think hard ?)

I can't change him.. he has to change his behaviour ..I even organised a counsellor for him to talk to if needed , but he was " OK".. I have done as much positivity as I can to help him.. That's it !!
So Thanks anyway, Autumn..

Your message meant a lot. Belle xxx