Caring for my terminally ill mother - Caregivers Message Board

lauras3rules · 06-07-2003, 11:14 PM

My mother has had heart disease for years and was recently diagnosed terminal after several hospital stays since November last year. I am her primary caregiver.. The hardest part is watching her waste away and lose all her energy.. She will barely eat anything and she doesn't drink much.. The hospice nurses say this is normal and part the the disease process.. How do I get over the feeling of guilt that I'm not doing enough for her.. I feel like I'm starving her.. I offer food but after just a few bites she says she is full.. She can't eat chunky foods anymore and so most of her diet is soft, and most soft foods are sweet and I know she is getting tired of pudding, mushed fruit, etc.. She likes soups but sometimes chokes on them. Any one have any advice.. I would be grateful. Thanks

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Lauras three rules: Faith, Hope, and Love

HoosierBj · 06-09-2003, 12:57 PM

You are probably witnessing a part of for real nature. It's kind of like the leaves in autumn slowly drawing less nutrients from the tree and from the sun.
Your mom's brain will slowly "turn off" parts of her physical body as time goes by and peace draws near.
She won't be starving for food because her stomach/liver/kidneys won't need the fuel any longer.

I found something on a North Central Florida Hospice site once that helped me prepare (as much as you can) for what happens during the process of dying... It was called Signs and Symptoms of Approaching Death and it left me a little overwhelmed, and quite a bit reassured.

One of the last of our physical sense to fade is our sense of Hearing. I know that I always felt my Dad could hear us right up until the end, right through the morphine. I remember using my voice to convey to him that we would be well, that we would "look after" Mom, that he was loved, and that he was "good to go".

Please let me know if this was more information than you really wanted.. There are so few people in our everyday lives that we can talk to, or who feel comfortable talking to us about these things...
Please keep in touch,
Bj

cattys · 06-09-2003, 12:59 PM

Hi there! I am sorry to hear about your mom. You are a great person to be doing what you are doing.

My grandmother is in that situation right now where she can't eat. We give her ensure. It is a liquid drink that is very high in calories and nutrients. Have you tried that? Another thing is there is a thickener that you can buy to thicken her liquids to a consistency where she won't choke.

Try not to feel guilty ,it sounds like you are doing all you can do and you should be proud of yourself for everything that you have done for your mom and being there for her. She has a great daughter.

Best of luck and take care,
Cattys

[This message has been edited by cattys (edited 06-09-2003).]

lauras3rules · 06-09-2003, 02:45 PM

To HoosierBj and Cattys. Thank you for answering.. HoosierBj, I know that I am privilaged to help my mom through the final phase of her life. I have read alot on the net about approacing death and what to expect. Thank you for suggesting that. I think it helps to know or at least have some idea of what to expect. Yes, it is depressing but it's better than being in the dark about it. I won't hesitate to post when I need help or just a word of comfort like yours.
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Cattys. Thank you as well. I give mom Gluserna which is like what you are talking about except sugar free because mom is also diebetic. She will drink it sometimes, but like I said she is soooo sick of sweet stuff. I will look into that thickener though. Thank you for telling me about it..
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I am not sure if this is the right way to respond to answers. I am very new here.. If anyone has suggestions I need to know about Please let me know about them.. Thanks alot.. Both of you!! Laura

HoosierBj · 06-09-2003, 06:06 PM

Your response was absolutely wonderful. Not everyone responds to every single post they get, but when someone does there is a real feeling of community that develops.

The only suggestions I know of are - not to post your own personal e-mail address, OR the address of any website that isn't an official "cancer.gov" type site.

The administrators here are very vigilant, which can also be a very good thing because I've seen some "bad apples" disappear very quickly!!

The whole key to the HealthBoards is that you get support from ALL of us, and that's not so bad at all!

[This message has been edited by HoosierBj (edited 06-09-2003).]