severly depressed caregiver - Caregivers Message Board

alicejaye · 09-28-2003, 10:09 AM

I am 37 yrs. old and the primary caregiver to my husband who is 80 yrs. old. We have a 10 yr. son and a 9 yr old daughter. He is in the "beginning" last stage of Alzheirmers. He goes thru days where he seems to forget how to eat and swallow to days where he eats all day. He sleeps almost all day and night or is awake all day and night. He is totally bedbound and uses diapers. At times he gets combative and refuses his medications. I hide this in his drinks. He is in Hospice and are very helpful. I just feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster and I don't know what to do or how much longer I can take this. I feel totally depressed and it feels like I don't have any control on much anything anymore. I'm not in denial, I know he is dying, it's just so hard to make it from one day to another. I try my best to keep him as clean and comfortable as I can but it feels like I'm not doing enough for him. I can't sleep at night out of fear that he will need me and I won't be able to hear him so I just lay there staring at him even though he is sound asleep. My Doctor put me on 100mg Zoloft this week but I flushed them down the toilet because I'm afraid of all the bad things associated with them. I know I shouldn't have done this now but at the time it felt like the correct thing to do. I'm in our bedroom practically all day and night with him. My mom lives with us and she is almost raising my children up herself. I feel like I don't have the patience for them and I have lost interest in almost everything. I don't know what to do. I will not place him in a nursing home, this is totally out of the question. I promised him I would always take care of him to the end and I plan on keeping this promise. He has been a wonderful husband and father, I feel that I owe him this much. Thank you for listening and I am sorry this is so long.

jbart · 09-29-2003, 05:55 PM

Don't forget to take care of 'You' too. If you burn yourself out you won't be any use to your husband or the kids. I took care of my mother in law with alzheimers for many years she lived with us, until, at 85, she went in the hospital for a different medical condition. At that point the doctor told us she really belonged in a unit for her own safety. Currently I am caring for my mother who has advanced cancer. A few months ago she went into a rehab hospital and from there to an assisted living facility. I still devote 20 hours a week to her in addition to working my full time job. I understand caregiver stress. I was at my wits end. ( place I've been a few times!) Recently I began a campagin of taking better care of myself. Eating better, exercising and doing something with friends once a week. It has made all the difference in helping me feel better and I approach my mom with renewed patience and enthusiasm. I urge you to recharge you own batteries on a regular basis. You cannot give from an empty cup. You have to get it refilled. Don't feel guilty. You need to do it to be a better caregiver...and you deserve not to run your own health into the gorund (which is very common for caregivers). I would look into some sort of adult day care to give yourself some respite. If there isn't a senior friendship center nearby perhaps hospice or a quality nursing facility can recommend a program.

hmm419 · 10-16-2003, 04:52 PM

Hi there, I work as a C.N.A. in a nursing home and work specifically with end stage Alzheimer's patients. I can totally understand how you feel, except I cannot possibly know how difficult it must be for you to have to see your own husband go through this. I am so worried about you and your own mental health. I think you should contact your doctor and explain to him that you flushed your new medication, if it is actually Zoloft that you are concerned about maybe you can try something else. There are lots of medications that may help you. I am only 27 and I take antidepressants and anti anxiety medication daily, and although it took me a while to find the right medications it was all worth it. As for the care you are giving your husband, I think it is so wonderful that you are able to keep him at home with you and take care of him, and even though he is unable to tell you at this point, know how grateful he really is that he did not have to leave his home. But you absolutely must have some time for yourself, dear. If not you will risk your own mental health. There are monthly and bi-monthly support groups for caregivers of Alzheimer's patients and also a great program is an aduly day program. I am not sure if anyone would offer something like that if he is bedridden, but there must be some kind of program that could give you a break and be at peace knowing that he is being well taken care of. Please call the Maine State Alzheimer's Association and ask for help, ideas, anything. You need to take care of yourself as well as him, and you will be better able to take care of him if you are feeling good. I wish you so much luck, please take care of yourself.

holidaygirl · 10-26-2003, 11:33 AM

Hi
I just stumbled over to this page from my usual hang out (the depression page) and read your post and I can relatae to you in many ways. I am a Nurses Assistant at a hospital where I care for sick patients, I also am in University and I had a very ill mother who died or breast cancer when I was 19. I am 22 now. I am pretty depressed and on Celexa 20mg, which is much like Zoloft, its an SSRI too. When you are depressed you can't take care of yourself or anyone else for that matter. I know because I have tried and it does not work. You shouldn't be scared to try the Zoloft because it really might help you. Come over and post a message in the depression page, if you want more feedback on Zoloft, a lot of people there are on this SSRI and I am sure they could relieve some fears.

Kristen