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Old 04-30-2005, 09:56 PM   #1
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Join Date: Feb 2005
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lovemygrandma HB User
Unhappy When the going gets tough the tough get going!!

Hello everyone,

This has been the most horrible week I can remember in along time. First off Grandma has two new compression fractures and is having another surgery Tuesday. She is actually doing okay considering the circumstances. My mom and dad were here this week. They have two houses and the one that is about 3,000 feet from me is their weekend house. My dad had took a week off of work so they came here. My mom has turned into someone I don't like very much at the moment or it could be that I've changed. Maybe you can help me decide. Before my grandpa died she was working two days a week as a realtor. She had been really complaining and had even went to her boss and said she didn't want to work more then one day a week and that is why she had become a realtor so she could choose when she wanted to work. My mom until last year had not worked for 30 years. She does not need to work as my father makes about $150,000 a year and their houses are paid for. The only reason she went to work is she said she was lonely cause dad worked so much and needed some time around other adults. The only bills they have is there car payments and maybe two credit cards. Anyway thats there business I kinda got off subject. When grandpa died if you remember they were going to put grandma in an apt.. She wouldn't haved lived a month by herself and I knew that. I told them me and my husband would keep her and I remember my mother saying are you sure you want to do this, I remember telling her I had no choice that if I didn't she would die. Well she has became very hurtful. Right after grandpa died she started working 6 days a week. Her and one of my Aunts were the ones that was suppose to take grandma to all her doctors appts.. She has taken grandma to two and went with me twice. Grandma has had 30 appts. since December. She did not go with her to her last surgery and is not going Tuesday. My Aunt has not taken her to any or went with me to any. My mom only comes over about every two or three weeks now and use to come every weekend. Everytime I try to talk to her about grandma she says you made the choice to keep her. She doesn't want to hear anything. I had no choice unless I wanted her death on my hands. I love her. The only thing I asked my mom to get me from my grandmothers house when everyone was taking all the other things in the house that grandma hadn't got was her shampooer because mine had broke and she had one similiar to mine. I just wanted to keep it while she was with us because of her spilling coffee. They could have it back later. Anyway she said it wasn't there so I called my aunt and uncle who moved into her house and they said it wasn't there also, but I had just looked at it when grandpa was sick and I had told them I wanted it. Someone took it which really hurt my feelings cause that is all I wanted and I felt like since I was taking care of their mom that wasn't to much to ask. Well I told my mother that it really hurt my feelings. So she shows up on Saturday with a brand new shampooer for me, really sweet huh. Well I cooked for six hours on Sunday for everyone, brother and his family, mom and dad, aunt and cousin, and my family. My aunt was talking about things that she hoped the other family members wouldn't sale and I told her to tell my other Aunt not to worry about the shampooer that was missing because mom had bought me one. My mom speaks up and says yea I bought her one cause I got sick of hearing about it. That really hurt my feelings and I told my mom that I didn't care about the shampooer it was the fact that someone had took it and that hurt me and that if I wanted I could have went and bought myself a new shampooer. Then on Tuesday after work she stopped by and I told her I was fixing them a big dinner and she said that was great. I made spaghetti, the sauce from scratch and a giant salad and garlic bread. I sent my son to go get everyone and he came back and said they decided to go to DQ instead. Then mom calls and says because my sister-in-law had made my dad a sandwich for lunch they were going to take them out to eat. Hello what about the meal I cooked on Sunday that took six hours and they didn't bother taking my family out to eat. I told her fine I would put it in the fridge, but that I wasn't going to cook for them no more that week. I didn't either. She visited maybe two hours all week and didn't help me or give me a break at all. Yeterday she calls and asks if I had started cooking dinner and I told her no so she says she is going to KFC to get everyone (brother,dad, grandma and my family) something to eat. Well she shows up and everyone comes up to eat. My grandma said some mean things to my mom. My mom is 54 and she told her she looked like she was 60 and that she looked really bad and was aging. My mom doesn't look 60 and I told grandma that wasn't very nice. Then my mom says well you look like your 100. You could tell they were getting on each others nerves. I am the President for the booster club at my kids school and we are taking the 6,7th and 8th grades on a three day trip in late May and my mom is suppose to watch my grandma. I have to go and I need a break. Me and my husband and kids are going. While watching them bicker back and forth I started laughing as I was thinking about them while I'm gone on the trip. I told them we would have a really good time on the trip and I couldn't wait to go. My mom looks at my sister-in-law and says she thinks its funny that she gets to go on a trip and I never get a day off. She is just rubbing it in. I said mom that is not what I'm laughing at, but if you want to bring it up you want to work and you dont have to. So its not my fault you dont get a day off. Needless to say they left after about 10 min. My mom has never been so hateful until grandma came to live with me and my family. I really think she is working so much so she doesn't have to help me at all which she promised to do as part of the agreement for me keeping her mom. I have alot of anger towards my family (mom,aunts,uncles etc...) and I dont know how to get rid of it. I dont like feeling this way. I feel like all my grandmothers children could care less about her as they never come to visit except for one Aunt that comes about once a month. I'm feeling as though they have all jumped ship. Oh! and another thing my husband took the week off work cause my dad asked him to help him build a 24x24 building. My husband helped him all week, but do you think my house has been fixed were they are suppose to put doors up for my grandmas room. The one they have done still needs plastered and sanded and painted. That was suppose to be completed the week she moved in I'm getting really mad. Do you think I'm wrong or has everyone not been doing what they should be? LMG

 
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Old 05-01-2005, 01:00 AM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,518
angel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB User
Re: When the going gets tough the tough get going!!

Oh LMG ...

your not supposed to be the meat in the sandwich!!

I think your Mum is working so hard so she doesn't have to help care for her Mum, but in turn, she's feeling guilty that somebody else is doing it. Instead of being grateful and appreciating your efforts, she's turning her guilt into anger and lashing out at you.

Ultimately, who is going to win? Nobody. Your going to stress out, Mother and Grandmother are going to be at each others throats .. for what??

This is what you need to say to your Mum ..... what do YOU want Mum? What do you want to happen? If this was a perfect world (and it isn't) what would make everything right for you?

You might be surprised at her answers. Of course, don't let her get away with fobbing you off.

I learnt something in my 6 years of Girl Guides (Girl Scouts) here in australia. For every complaint the complainer must have 3 solutions ... one is impossible, one is possible, one is do-able. If it's good enough to voice a complaint, then the complainer MUST have some idea of a solution. Otherwise .. they are just spouting hot hair and making noises for the sake of making noise. A fruitless and pointless exercise.

Your a very strong girl to take all this on, and we hear your frustration ... so try my plan and see where that goes.

Goodluck, let us know how you get on.

Hugs
Sally

 
Old 05-01-2005, 07:27 PM   #3
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: USA
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LuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB UserLuvMyLilDoggie HB User
Re: When the going gets tough the tough get going!!

You must feel like you're truely between a rock and a hard place. You have every right to feel the way you do. I agree with Sally. Ask your mom those questions and then listen to her. You might be surprised.

Love, Barb
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Old 05-04-2005, 07:13 PM   #4
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lovemygrandma HB User
Re: When the going gets tough the tough get going!!

Thanks for your advice. I took it yesterday as my mother actually did show up for my grandma's surgery. That gave us time to talk in private. I told her exactly how I felt and that I felt abandoned by the very people that promised to be of such great help. She said that she does feel bad because I am the one taking care of her mother. She also offered to quit her job, however, after finally feeling like she is more than a housekeeper I told her not to do that. I explained that they had promised to take grandma to all her Dr's appt. and she said yes but that was before we knew she would have to go to so many of them. So I said, so that gives you and my Aunt the right to put it all on me. All 30 Appt. to date. DUH!! At that moment I think she realized exactly what they have done to me. Then she went on to say that her mother my grandmother had been a horrible mother and that all of her siblings felt the same way. She said that I was not born and/or had been to young to remember just how bad she was. I told her I knew that she had not been such a great mom, however, she is a human being. I told her it didn't matter how bad of a mom she had been or is at present that she deserves to live her last years with dignity and that if the family did not do what is right then they will never forgive themselves when she passes. I told her that I was telling her and not asking her that if the family did not start helping then I was going to have grandma to pay for someone to come and give me a break and that since there are some weeks I cant get anything done around the house (surgery,dr's appt etc..) then I was also going to find someone to come and clean my house once or twice a month. I have put 15,000 miles on my van in 5 months and the wear and tear is taking its toll. I told her that if they cant take her to her Dr's appts then grandma would have to pay for anything that breaks down on my car do to all the running. Example coming back from the hospital she spills a 16 once cup of coffee on my floorboard and says oh! man! I hope I didn't get that on my clothes. Hello! I thought to myself your are wearing a $10.00 jogging outfit what about my carpet. Anyway now there is a horrible stain on it, but I have just shrugged it off kind of like you do when a baby spills something. My mom agreed with everything I said and stated she was going to send registered letters to her siblings telling them that as of this moment $15,000 has been willed to them if grandma doesn't spend it. If they dont start helping then that money is going to be used to help with her care. I'm not going to worry anymore about them saying I'm spending or going to spend her money. If they dont help then I will have her use it to help me. I will still keep receipts for everything to show I didn't use for self enjoyment, but enough is enough. Update after grandma's surgery yesterday her Doctor came out and talked to me and my mother for some time. He explained that her bones are as thin as paper and this is just the beginning and the worst is enivitable. He said if she lives long enough she will probably end up with more then 50% of her bones fractured including wrists,hips etc... So that lead me and my mom to the conversation of a nursing home which I dont believe in except in extreme circumstances. Well since my grandma gave her house to my uncle and $5,000 to one of my Aunts she will not be able to be admitted for at least three years. So my mom said what will we do if she breaks a hip I said we will do just as I have stated we will use her money to help me with her care. The Dr' also stated that she is pretty much incapacitated by her brittle bones, I already knew this. Anyway she really cant do anything except exist and do little things that hopefully can bring her some enjoyment. I know some of you are probably thinks I'm being way to cold by telling my mom that they are going to help or the money that is suppose to go to them will be used for her care, however, I'm not going to be used by my family and go insane from not getting a break and end up not being able to take care of her just because they wanted $5,000 each. There are five kids but two of them have already gotten there inhert. They also need to be helping, however, since they got theirs already you can kiss their help goodbye. Anyway thanks for your advice as it did help me feel alot better towards my mom and given me a little more backbone to deal with the rest off the family. LMG

 
Old 05-04-2005, 09:32 PM   #5
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angel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB Userangel_bear HB User
Re: When the going gets tough the tough get going!!

WHAT A GAL you are LMG !!!!!! WHAT A GAL !!!!!!

** Standing to attention .. and saluting you **

Can you come over to my house and do it to my family? LOL

Seriously, I think you did the RIGHT THING .... (you KNOW you did) .. good for you for standing up for your rights!! Well done!! By Golly I'm proud of you !!!!

I think you've read enough on our boards to figure which people you can call on for help and WILL, which people you can bully into helping, and which people belong on our island of useless ***** (Alz. board current joke). Your so right in keeping receipts, COVER YOUR REAR END girl ... SOMEBODY will complain. However, you will find that somebody won't help either. It's usually the way.

Your not cold either LMG, your strong and logical and realise the enormity of the situation, both emotionally and financially.

I'm SO proud of you !!!!!!!!

Well done & Bravo !!

Hugs
Sally

 
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